Narrator (in a strong, deep, masculine, but mysteriously effeminate voice) As the captain of the Jupiter 3 throws his Mc Donald's wrappers and emptys the ashtrays into the airlock, the auto pilot breaks wind and eases the ship into warp speed. They are heading for a small asteroid called Haemorrhoid which isn't far from Uranus. This is where this fantasmagorical adventure begins ............ ................

Chewed Tobacco (smiling) Are we there yet?

Some guy in the theater (pointing) Hey, is that thing at the top of the page a Wookie or something?? 

Kang (laughing alongside Kodos) "Ahahahahahha!! Foolish monkeys! We shall soon destroy them! Hahahahahaha!"

Chewed Tobacco (Coughing) I'd do anything except quit smoking for you Captin... Take this you fiend AGK, AGK, AGK you can't destroy me, even cigarettes haven't gotten me... YOU NEVER WILL!!! Take this AGK, AGK, AGK!!!

Black Monolith (Waiting) ..................

Sexy Sophia (Drooling) Dah!

Chewed Tobacco (reaching to catch drool) Yum Yum, me like drooling woman. Like a ice cream machine... What's that captian... an astroid? I didn't order one... AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH HHH

Kirk (overacting as usual) I can't believe that my..... agent thought THIS would be.... a part that challange my extensive.... acting....... abilities! 

Carnut (Screaming) I SUMMON THE UNHOLY DEMONS OF APATHY, SARCASM, AND CYNICISM TO COME FORTH AND PUNISH YOU NOW!!!

Bob Saget (Popping his head out of the airlock) Hey look at me! I have no talent! 

Hal (emotionless) Dave? It's time for your proctology appointment.

Dave (opening airlock thereby sending Bob Saget to his death) I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU HAL!!!

Bob Saget (flailing his arms as he floats in the vacuum of space) How come William Shatner became a cultural icon? I have no talent! I HAVE NO TALENT!

Chewed Tobacco (doing breast stroke) Come back captian, this night space air is bad for your skin. I can just barely rrrreeeeaaaccchhh you. Now stop waving your arms about so much... *AKG*... *OOOFFF*... *OUCH*... *MY GUT*... if you only let me pull you back into the ship... Got ya! You can't self destruct... not today! * KLUNK*... sorry about your head... but at least your safe not inside the ship.

Chewed Tobacco (surprised) BOB SAGET... I saved Bob Saget! Where the hell is the Captain?

Bob Saget (Aroused) Oh you big hairy wookie, you... How about some of that famed "Wookie nookie"?

HAL (very dryly) I'm sorry Bob. I can't let you do that.

Bob Saget (confused) Do what? I'm not doing anything!

HAL (opening airlock and thereby killing Bob Saget) Live. I can't let your annoying self live any longer. Goodbye, Bob. Daisy, daisy giiiivvveee meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. ..

Audience (cheering in delight) Yay!!! Bob Saget is DEAD!!!! YAY!!! WOOHOO!!!!

Chewed Tobacco (flipping thru script) Gee I didn't read the script all the way through before I took this part, I wonder if I bite the dust in this movie? 

The Olsen Twins (materializing in airlock) You sure do, you mean old wonky! You killed our Daddy! Now you must pay...

Bob Saget (reforming as horrified sane people run for their lives) Now, kids. That wasn't nice. I would appreciate an apology.

Macauley Culkin (Weeping & pouting from the audience) Mummy! But I wanted to be in this movie! Buy me a new wife!

A person out of nowhere (shooting his multiple machines guns into the air) You knew that I was coming cuz you heard my name, but you don't know my game and never felt my pain. Can't read my brain, but you read my lips and got scared when you heard that I was comin' with hits. Now, don't even trip, be a man instead. Give thanx, I'm alive when I should be dead. Uh, I'm in the wreck cuz my minds distortin. People claimin' they know me, but they only know a portion. I ma move mountains and touch the sun, dont get scared now you knew this day would come. So hold your bids - all bets are closed and f*** off ya hos. 

Bob Saget (still alive!) Hey - the audience just voted for you as the first place video this week! Let 's see the replay of that video where you shoot yourself in the groin with your machine gun. Gee, that sure was funny!

person out of nowhere (running away) oucha oucha ow, me run away now!

Chewed Tobacco (desperately) Is that an uncharted planet up ahead?!

Sexy Sophia (flexing her newly movable jaw) The lidocaine wore off! Ha, that's the last time I get my teeth capped before a movie. What? A planet? Is... is there a Mall? Can we go? Please... PLEASE???

Smoothbore (Tired) We gotta get outta here. Its going to be curtains for the noids.. Can we afford to wait. Or should I just take a nap.....

oogie doll (cute fuzzy thing) Will somebody walk me please? I gotta go...

Narrator (in a strong, deep, masculine, but mysteriously effeminate voice again) Folks, where's the slow motion space ballet? Where's the Monolith and eerie 'aaaah' sounds? Where's the very peculiar but profound Star Baby? Where's HAL? Where's Dave? Where's my cappaccino?!

frustrated movie patron (frustratedly?) where is the end of this movie. AAAAAAAAHHHH HHHHHH!!!!!!!

spock (with no emotion) the end is always found at the opposite side of the begining. 

Chewed Tobacco (determined) I'm takin the landing craft in. There's a disturbance on the planet surface just like we found on the moon! We gotta check it out.

john john the leprochon (mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) where's me lucky charms? bob?

bob saget (annoyed) why dont you look out the window for them you dumb **** (time passes) good bye john john!! (push)

john john (loudly) ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhh i've fallen and i can't get up!!!!!

God of Monkeys (Looks around for a mate:) It's time for Monkey Sex.

Olsen Twins (cutely, annoyingly confused) What is monkey sex? Daddy, how come you never told us about monkey sex?

Bob Saget (stumbling over his own words) III, Ummmm III, Ummm Ask your uncle Joey. (trips over his own foot hit his head on HAL Who electracutes him)

uncle joey (in a bad bullwinkle impersonation) well girls monkey sex is when a man loooves a woman and he shows it by #$%^@ &%$ #$@OBOY#$ !!! ... Isn't that beautiful.

Mr. Rogers (Comes over Intercom) Welcome to my neighborhood. Hey Bob, ever **** a Trolly and a puppet at the same time?

bob saget (smiles) Can we record it and put it on my over rated soon rerunless show called America's Slummiest Home Videos?

Asian prostitute (spread eagle) Me so Horny!

HAL (emotionless) Bob, according to my calculations, you died when you fell over and got electricuted.

bob saget (Laughs) HAL, we got that on video, you'rr in the top 3 runners up to the runners up to the people who might have a slim chance to coming close to winning. You could win, 50 cents, or a trip to Never Never Land.

spock (pulls plug on HAL) I'm afriad that I'm the only one who can remain emotionless here.

Barney (Jumps around) Hiiiidehoo space cadets! Woo hoo hoo hoo! Are we using our imaginations to take us to Mr Roger's Planet?

person with machine guns (pointing gun at his head) Not only am I going to kill myself for stealing lyrics from Kid Rock, but this **** with this god **** purple dinosaur is just ****ing ****ing me off! 

Purple People Eater (Pulls out law-suit gives to barney) I'm afraid you STOLE my Purple non human image Copyrighted material. I'll see you in court bud!

bob saget, chewy, and Purple People Eater (*Sing*) I hate you, you hate me, lets get together and eat chilly, we will toot and root and have the craps all night. Purple and BArney are in a fight.

Some dude in space (Blows half of ship away) .....

Spock (Announce's Deaths) The people who die on that half of the ship: 1. Barney 2. Bob Saget, but according to my calculations he will be back 3. Purple People Eater 4. Oprah 5. 2 Cheesburgers and an Extra Large Fry.

Everyone (Suprised) Oprah was here!?

Oprah's Giant Fat Round Head (Suprised) THERE WAS FOOD HERE!?

Dr. Evil (In a huge Bob Big Boy) Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mm *Puts pinky on mouth* mmmmmmmmmmm *takes pinky off, pets cat* mmmmmmmmmmmm *puts pinky back on mouth* mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmm *takes breath* mmmmmmmmmmmm *farts* Ahhh, that was better, Oh no, that wasn't a fart, that was my mojo!

Embryo (Floating around) Look at me! I am fart dust!