Bobby (wiping a tear from his eye) "I REALLY wanted to be a Hallway Monitor when I grew up! Thanks Greg!"

Marcia (stroking her long, beautiful, blonde hair) "Whose frickin' funeral is this anyway?"

Greg (Nudging Marcia) "Hey Marcia, what do you say we go back in the back and shag?"

Alice (rebuking Greg) "There'll be no more incest in this family now that I'm in charge!"

Mr. Brady (slapping Greg and Marcia,) "Marcia, how can you forget whos funeral this is!?... what disrespect, and Greg (as a tear runs down his cheek, he starts to sob) how could you think of shagging at a time like this!? Just wait til we get back home; I'm giving both of you a spanking you'll never forget. "

Cindy (jumping up and down and clapping) "Oh, daddy, daddy, can I have a spanking, too?"

Mr. Brady (with a smirk) "Don't worry kids, there'll be spankings enough for everyone."

Alice (hopefully) "Even for me, Mr. Brady?"

Mr. Brady (rubbing his hands together) "Yes, even for you, Alice."

Mr. Brady (standing up in the middle of the funeral service in a loud purely disrespectful voice ) "Alright, I've had enough of this funeral crap for one day, I'm getting anxious, why don't we just go straight home now and get right to those spankings."

Mrs. Brady (grabbing her husband and whispering loudly) "Shhhh. Sit down, Mike! We'll have plenty of time for that later!"

Mr. Brady (reluctantly) "Well, okay. But you have to let me get it on with that dreamy Sam the butcher. He's got a serious chuck o' meat! Yummy!"

Mrs. Brady (cheerfully) "Very well, Mike. I really wish you'd just come out of the closet. Then Alice and I could go off to New Mexico and start a lesbian artist's colony in the high chapparel."

Mr. Brady (looking at his watch) "This seems like alot of trouble to go through for Tiger. I mean, he's just a dog. And a pretty stupid one at that! Do you remember the time he was humping Peter's leg?"

Everyone laughs

Peter (screaming) "Help! Help! "

Mrs. Brady (puts her arm around Mr. Brady) "Aren't kids cute, honey?"

Mr. Brady (eyes raised to the heavans) "Lucky mutt, if I tried that I'd be in jail, lickity split... Hmmm, jail... that's not such a bad idea."

Everyone laughs

Alice (smiling) "Yep. That Tiger was real scamp. I remember the time he corned Sam's beef."

Greg (whispering to Mr. Brady) "I'm going to the Men's Room. I really NEED to 'comb my hair'."

Marcia (cheerfully) "Do you guys remember the time Tiger dragged that dead opossum into the house and put it in Dad's desk? "

Jan (Thinking evilly to herself.) "Now that I've got that pesky dog out of the way, I might be able to get Peter's attention once in a while. I hope he doesn't expect me to hump his leg and lick his face though. Everybody hates me because I'm stupid and I wear glasses, I'll show 'em. They never did really know where that dead skunk got to after dad mistook it for his toupee...."

Tiger (trotting happily up to Bobby & licking his face wags his tail) "arf! arf!"

BOBBY (SEDUCTIVELY LICKING TIGERS FACE) "OHHHHH TIGER YOU'RE SUCH AN ANIMAL"

CINDY (thinking to herself) "bobby never calls me an animal when i lick his face like that???? hmmmm"

Mr. Brady (hotly) "now boys COME with me"

the Brady boys (in unison) "do we have to!!!!"

Gilligan (stumbling in with a dazed look) "Skipper?"

".....Flintstones, meet the Flintstones....."

Mr. Ditmeyer (smirks and begins opening the bag) "Well what do we have here? "

Mr. Brady (eyeing Ditmeyer like a lover) "You're in a good mood today, Mr. Ditmeyer. Especially when you consider that we just lost our beloved Tiger. "

Mr. Ditmeyer (still smirking) "Shut up Freakshow! I'm here to show you what pain is!!"

Mr. Ditmeyer (pulling out an Uzi semi-automatic with a loaded clip) "Suck lead, Brady! "

Mr. Brady (screaming like a little girl) "Calgon take me away!"

Mr. Ditmeyer (laughing insanely while shooting a large whole thru Mike Brady) "....from the town of Bedrock....hahahahahahaa~"

Gilligan (caught in the cross fire) "Skipper.... aaaaaahhhhhhhh!"

Gilligan (dies) ".....gurgle....."

Mike Brady (With blood spurting from his mouth as he's in his death throes.) "Pork......... chopshhh........... and. ....... apple............. shaushhhhhh"

Martin Quinn (walks on to the set) "Mr. Ditmeyer... this is the wrong set. You're supposed to be on "Barnaby Jones"... get going! "

Mr. Ditmeyer (Hurriedly leaving) "Yes sir! Yes sir! Yes sir!"

Martin Quinn (gesturing towards the man next to him) "This is Norman Lear... he's taking over for Sherwood Schwartz. I gotta go."

Norman Lear (helping Mr. Brady get to his feet) "We're going to make this show more reality based, okay? No more suger coating. "

The Cast (asks in unison) "What does that mean?"

Norman Lear (explaining to the confused cast) "It means that the show is now in New York, and The Bradys are now The Bradillos, from Puerto Rico... Mike is now Miguel Bradillo, a closet homosexual with a penchant for extremist right wing politics. Carol is now Carlotta, and is having a secret affair with Alice the Housekeeper. Cindy, and Bobby are out. Marcia becomes a hooker in Vegas, Jan becomes an unwed mother who becomes a born again christian and live at home. Greg becomes a communist, Peter become a junkie. Any questions?"

Peter (crying) "SOMEBODY ATE THE TELETUBBIES!!!"

Greg (sarcastic) "That wasn't the Teletubbies, that was the staypuff marshmallow man. We're in New York now Peter, get a grip! *slap* *slap* "

All The Brady Kids (Singing In Unison) "We Want To Go HOME -- We Want Out Of This Torture"

Mr Brady (to the kids, pointing with his index finger) "Why don yous jes' shaddup! Ah'm goona hafta punish yous an' stuff. Yus robbed a liquor sto'e an' yous don get no stuff fo' yous Madre an me. Yous kids shot da dog in da stomach an' in da eye. Yous kids are so stoopid!"

Jan (holding her Bible in one hand and her illegitimate child in the other) "Jesus chunfka lakka heeed nay wooby foosh liki goymagdan yogga slothmag bat weggy Jehovah!"

Marcia (to Jan) "Speaking in tongues... golly Jan... that is so yesterday. Well I gotta go sell myself and get some smack... I'll catch ya all later."

Greg (also leaving) "Ya... I gotta go too. We've got a committee meeting and a Josef Stalin Scout meeting. Then we're gonna burn some flags and get beat to death by some pigs. See ya. later."

Mr. Brady (to Greg) "Why don yous getta job? Yous too good ta work? Look at yous! Yous looka like some kinda freak! Yous looka like mah cousin Margarita, she was a fat hairy lazy butto like yous."

Greg (to his pops as he leaves) "Keep your capitalist pig ways, slave. In going to give the world liberation! Oh, Mom, can I have a couple of bucks to buy some dinner while I'm out""

Mrs Brady (to Greg) "Ah gots no money, yous junkie brudder stole eet all outta purse. Get some of Marcia...."

The Sound Engineer (starts laugh track) "Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee"

a mime (after living without a sound for several years & is drastically moved by the outcome of the Bradys - so much that he questions his existance & must speak out against silence) "blurp?"

Bobby (smiling really big) "Gee Greg do you think that there will ever be a bigger building than the empire state building? Do you think I can work as a hall monitor when I grow up. Do you think I will ever do Cindy? Will you ever stop doing Mom... I see you sneak out of the room every night and I followed you to Tigers dog house on night. Do you think Dad minds?"

the cast (shrieking in horror) "OH MY GOD!!! BOBBY!! HE'S ALIVE!!!!!"

God (barfing) "BARF!"

Jesus Christ (in horror) "Dad! That is soooooooo groady to the max!"

Bobby (excited) "Are you really Jesus?"

Jesus Christ (annoyed) "Hell, Yes! Now piss off, porky, or I'll make you a leper."

Bobby (crying) "DAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDYYYYYYY you going to let the son of GOD speak like that too me??"

Mr. Brady (blankly) "hell yes porky now shut the %$#$%$ up you sniveling maggot"

C.J.Parker (seductively licking her lips) "Hey Brady, got any spankings for me? Alice you put that tongue to good work, my juices are starting to flow."

Jesus Christ (moving arms in slow circles) "Damned are you who mock me and are vile and of digust. Fire! Fire, sweep down from the mountains, cover the seas, and let my mark be shown on the people, for they disgust me."

Alice (to Mr. Brady) "It's nearly supper time. What should I fix?"

Jesus Christ (to Alice) "Well, you could eat of MY flesh..."

Mr. Brady (interrupting the King of Kings) "....with apple sauce? No, I think that Bobby and SINdy would be better. All roasted up with an apple in each vile little mouth and those little paper chef's hat thingies on their little dirty feet. Yep. Jesus, you and God can stay fer dinner."

Jesus Christ (cheery) "FAb! It's about time someone died for MY sins!"