Gilligan (shaking the last two coconuts): "SKIPPER!! SKIPPER!!"

Skipper (slapping Gilligan on the head): "Don't talk to me! I hate you, you filthy cripple!"

Gilligan (punching Skipper in his ample gut): "Be nice to me you fat-assed freak! "

the Professor (entering the hut - appearing shocked & stunned at the site of violence): "I am shocked & stunned!"

THE NUT (Laughing manically): "HONEY? I"M HOME!!!!!!!!!"

Ginger & Marianne (Enter the hut holding their coconuts and speaking in unison): "Don't forget to count OUR coconuts, big boy."

Ginger (Pushing Marianne out the door): "Beat it bimbo, I've got to show this loser what life was like when he was still banging you!"

Ginger (Turning to the Skipper and twisting hooters): "Now come with me to your past so we can see what you were like before you became a POOPYHEAD. "

Fade to a school room

Ginger (looking at Thurston Howell III): "Do you know this place?"

Thurston Howell III (looking confused): "Yes! It's my old prep school, Mr.Mengdele's School for Boys. Look! Over there in the corner! It's me as a boy!"

Ginger: "Who is that young boy? The one talking with you?"

Thurston Howell III (teary eyed): "That's Timmy Jones. He was a charity case... blind as a bat, and mute as a... as ...a ...as something really mute... poor wretch."

Ginger (her hands on her hips): "And what are you doing?"

Thurston Howell III (loosening his ascot nervously): "I'm offering him money... all he had to do was sit right there while I ran and hid in the supply closet...."

Ginger (glaring at Howell): "Yeah..."

Thurston Howell III (a bit defiant): "The head madster was drinking...and we were the only ones left in the school over the holiday... so I pimped him. But at least he got half the money!"

Eustacia VanDerburg-Vanderberg, PhD (with a jaunty step): "Where's the Professor. He's soooo dreamy!"

Black Hand of Death (Grabbing Eustacia and dragging her into the pits of darkness): "Excuse me, I just came by to get this superflurious character out of the story... see ya!"

Thurston Howell III (suprised): "By George! That was silly!"

Ginger (rolling her eyes): "Not as silly as wearing the same sequined dress for seven years... God, I need a drink!"

Gilligan (cheerfully): "What about my gimpy legs?"

All the Cast (With extreme ire): "Shut-up!"

The Professor (inspired): "Wait! Gilligan, you may have something! If I cut off your rotting leg and make a fake tuna out of it, we may be able to attract some dolphins. If we then club the dolphins... it might bring a Greepeace boats and we'd be rescued!"

The Cast (excited): "Then we'd be out of this stupid play!"

The Professor (annoyed): "Well duh!"

Gilligan (sheepishly): "We can't do that"

The Cast (annoyed): "Why not?"

Gilligan (sheepishly): "'Cause I already ate the stinky, gangrenous leg."

Dominius "Not In This Play" Mookpiloh (making a cameo appearance): "Mammograms! Get your free mammogram!"

the REAL Ginger (blood boiling & steam coming outta her ears): "WHO THE DANG-DIGGITY IS THE IMPOSTER WHO'S WHORING MY BODY ALL OVER THIS PAGE? IS THAT YOU MARIANNE???"

Eustacia VanDerburg-Vanderberg, PhD (returning from the 14th ring of hell): "Whew, I escaped the Black Hand of Death by having him conjugate "to profess to be a professor" in Latin."

Jesus (miffed): "Eustacia! You mustn't be afraid of death! (takes her hand) Come, child, I have many things to show you." (walks offstage with Eustacia)

Homer J. Simpson (Dumbfounded): "I'm still looking for my beer..."

Ginger's evil Imposter (grinning wickedly): "Not Marianne you red headed whore.. Remember I was the ugly one... now I am Ginger Grant. You made me look like you.. so I went back to civilization and took over your career.. your life.. your men..."

Stephen Hawking (rolls in in his wheelchair and states in his mechanical voice): "Since it is impossible to fray Time-Space in such a way as to be able to go back in time and meet yourself, and since the existence of dobblegangers is unlikely... I pronounce that neither of the Gingers are real. Tah-tah!"

Mulder and Scully (in unison): "We quite agree..."

The Gingers (Both Gingers instant evaporate under the hot light of logic muttering): "What a world... what a world... what a world..... ahhhhhhhhh"

Stephen Hawking: "Let's go, Mulder and Scully. We have an appointment with Xodogo CHi hua of Plant Gogogo..."

Hawking, Mulder and Scully exit the scene

Thurston Howell III (exhaling): "Well, at least that saves from examining my past..."

The Professor (glaring at Howell): "Not so fast, Mr. Magoo... I get to play with you for a while!"

Fade to Microsoft HQ in Redmond

The Professor (reaching for Howell's Face): "You thought the expensive Windows powered animatronic mask would fool me? The Professor? Hah! I Know who you really are...."

Thurston Howell III (recoiling): "EEEEK!"

The Professor (pulling the mask from Howell's face): "....Bill Gates!"

The Cast (in shock): "Bill Gates?!?!?"

Bill Gates (defiant): "I would have gotten away with it too... if it weren't for you meddling kids!"

Lovey (puzzled): "What about my part... the Ghost of Christmas Future? And what of poor Gilligan's gimp leg? And what about saving Mr. Gates' soul?"

Marianne (pouty): "What about me? I didn't even get a good role... Marley's Wife? That wasn't in the book!"

The Professor (rubbing his temples): "Okay... you can be someone else... let's see... hmmm..."

Director (laughing): "What the BEJEEZUS does it matter - you're all still stuck on that stoopid island, plus, I have the power to censor anything that you say or feel!"

Bill Gates (waving a hot poker): "Look it's been really nice hanging out here... but I have to go now! Don't try to follow me!"

The Professor (eyed widening): "That must mean he has a way off the Island!"

Skipper and Castaways (Shouting and running): "Get Him!"

The Skipper and Castaways comically chase Bill Gates around in the jungle. There is great deal of funny slapstick with the Skipper stepping on Gilligan's remaining foot, the Professor accidentally feeling up Marianne, and Lovey riding around on Bill Gates' back. 

(silly tinny tincky tincky chase music... use your imagination.) "Yaaah! Yaaaah! Yaaaah!"

the Director (In "Nazi-esque" fashion): "Alright, you idiots! Get Back into your freakin' roles RIGHT NOW!!! Gilligan! Stay away from the Coconuts! Achtung!!"

Colonel Klink (looking more confused than normal): "Entschuldigen Sie, Do any of you know the way to Buenes Aires? "

Sgt. Schulz (Chirppy): "Ja, vee have a fortune in stolen Red Cross pakages waiting for us ...."

Colonel Klink (slapping Schulz): "Shhhhhhh!"

the Director (annoyed): "You morons are in the wrong sitcom... get the hell out here!"

Klink and Schultz (backing away into the shrubs): "We are sorry... es tut mir leid... we'll be off now, Tchuss!"

Bill Gates (clearly suprised): "How unusual.... hmmm"

Gilligan (chatty and hopping on his one good leg): "Not really, that sort of thing happens nearly every day."

The Professor (professing): "Yes, I'm beginning to believe that this island in in the center of the Bermuda Triangle"

Bill Gates (excited): "Then somewhere on this island there must be a crash proof version of Windows!"
 

lovey (exitedly): "oh! I never do windows. we have maids to do that! Be a dear and sit with me while we have tea."

bill gates (looking down on the howells): "you think i would force my self to sit with a measely millionaire and his (obviously been in a terrible accident) wife?"

Bill Gates (suddenly becoming very serious and whispering to Mr. Howell.): "What would say if I were to offer you ONE BILLION DOLLARS to spend JUST ONE NIGHT with your wife?"

Thurston Howell III (Doubled Over Laughing): "HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! I would say you were both stupid and insane... Who in their right mind would spend a billion dollars on that??"

Lovely (Mad and Foaming at the mouth.. throwing coconuts at Mr. Howell): "You Pig!!"

Thurston Howell III (clears throat quickly, glances at Lovey, lies out his CHOO-CHOO): "A woman of this beauty is worth TWO BILLION DOLLARS. I'll accept no less."

Bill Gates: "1.5 BILLION"

Thurson Howell III (shakes Bill's hand): "Deal!"

Marianne & Professor (singing gleefully on the shore of the lagoon while shucking coconuts for Christmas dinner): "We've got a lovely bunch of coconuts - twiddle-dee-dee!"

The Professor (wisdom of a god flowing thru his brains): "Marianne, did you know that the drupaceous fruit of the coconut palm has a very tough fiberous husk - and inside, the nut contains thick edible meat yielding much nutricious coconut milk? "

Marianne (in a slutty voice): "Yep... and so are my breasts."

david hasselhoff (horny): "marianne would you like to be on of the scantly clad women on my new show called "scantly clad women on the beach"?"

running bear (obviously stoned out of mind): "anyone seen little white dove?"

Homer J. Simpson: "DOH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

ROLAND OF GILEAD (enters guns strapped in crisscross fashion across his hips): "i cry ye pardon gunslingers...... have you seen an immense dark tower? i have spent my entire life searching for that darn thing and cant seem to find it anywhere. Professor could you possibly tell me where its at?"

Professor (intellectually speaking): "how the heck did you get here Roland?"

David Hasslehoff (HORNY!!!): "roland are there scantly clad women at this tower?"

in a hardly perceptable movement roland draws his gun and places a dime sized hole in the head of david hasslehoff

ROLAND OF GILEAD: "i came here by a doorway in the old haunted hut on the other side of the island."

EVERYONE (APPLAUDING CHEERING CLAPPING and singing): "sing song the wicked hasslehoff is dead....thank you ROLAND for freeing us from that overrated, overaged, horny, evil, non talented hasslehoff"

EVERYONE (spitting on hasslehoff's new cranial orifice): "boy if only shortliver were here to partake in the celebration of the death of the worst actor since william shatner"

SHORTLIVERS ghost (floating above the sand): "YEAH too bad i had that hot poker accident but at least i'm off that miserable island, where bananas, coconuts, and fish is the main diet (ever notice the sexual connection in the diet?) "

TINY GILLIGAN TIM (third leg in hand): "yeah heres a banana for you"

Professor (smoke rolling out of ears from thinking so hard): "WAIT i see the sexual connection in our diet.... but here is my question. Since this play has nothing to do with christmas, does that mean we are rescued?"

simian apparition (floating next to shortliver): "But William Shatner is a theatrical genius!"

thurston howell the scrooge (picking the professors pocket): "My dear boy it means we will never be rescued because christmas invades our homes once a year EVERY year so get me a bottle of booze will ya? lovey is feeling kinda lonely and and wants well ummm....... you know and i can't do that sober"

Shortliver apparition (chasing away the marmoset with a ghostly poker): "Take that little monkey! "

ROLAND (to simian): "do you know where the dark tower is?"

simian apparition (dodging Shortliver and the dreaded poker): "No Roland. However, I know where the nearest I-Hop is."

ROLAND (perking up): "did someone say pancakes?"

Shortliver apparition (slipping on the bloody goo oozing out of Hasslehoff's leaky cranium): "Rescue me from this silly place! Pancakes and waffles are on me! Once we get to I-Hop of course."

simian apparition (poking the seeping mass of grey matter coming out of Hasslehoff's melon with a sharp stick): "Let's all go to I-Hop and have pancakes and whiskey! I mean, really. Mr. Howell is scaring the stuffings out of me. And Gilligan only has one leg."

william shatner (head bowed down ): "I... .... am a..... ...... much.... ... better... actor... then that ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... ....hasslehoff ..... ..... ..... ..... ..... .is .....errr ..... ..... ..... .....was"

TINY GILLIGAN TIM (to simian): "if thats what you want to believe i wont stop you"

thurston howell the scrooge (to simian smiling): "come here little simian i wont bite "

William Shatner (to no one in particular): "Spock! Spock! My.... SHIP! My.... crew! What... haveIdone.. to ...deSERvethis ...FAT E. SPOCK!"

simian (screaching and hiding behind shortliver): "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK!"

Shortliver (to everyone): "Pancakes are on Captain Kirk!"

Entire cast (joyfully): "Waho!"

hasslehoff apparition (still bleeding talking into wrist communicator to his car): "KITT! redirect all my calls to loveys hut, i'm going to be busy for awhile."

lovey (to hasslehoff while eyeing william shatner): "i'd rather spend some time with the captain"

ROLAND (an innocent smile spread across his face): "maybe i-HOP can direct me to the DARK TOWER OF PANCAKES"

SANTA CLAWS (cheerfully): "only 7 more shopping days til christmas"

ENTIRE CAST (except SANTA): "DONT REMIND US SANTA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

SANTA (shouting while running away from the barrage of coconuts being thrown at him by the castaways): "HO-HO-HO Howell!!!"

Giligan (slurping coconut-nog): "Skipper! Someone put poison in the punch!!!" (passes out)

Black Jack Chirac (walking on to the set with his hands on his hips): "Sacre Bleu Cheese! You must all leave here at once! We will be nuclear testing here very soon!"

Everyone currently on the island (in panic): "What?!?"

Black Jack Chirac (very pleased with himself): "Oui...the armed forces of France will be dropping a nuclear weapon on this island...complaining will do you no good. We had to sink a fleet of Greenpeace boats to get here. Now, all of you must leave at once and I shall not warn you again!"

Gilligan (sad): "But we didn't even get to finish our play... snif snif."

Lovey (Pointing at a bright flash of light): "Ohhhh, Look at the pretty light!"

The Professor (Yelling at entire cast): "Everyone! Duck and Cover!"

There is a loud roaring sound as the fireball of the Atomic explosion sucks the air from the immediate vicintiy and sends a wave of fiery superheated air over the Island. After the explosion everyone get to here feet and futily tries to wipe the soot and ash off their bodies

Gilligan (relieved): "Well that wasn't so bad...."

A voice from behind the remains of a charred hut: "Oh.... I wouldn't go quite that far, Sonny-boy."

Skipper (turning toward the hut remains): "Who said that?"

THE DEVIL (who looks like Elmer Fudd in a cheesey devil suit): "Welcome..... TO HELL! HA HAH HA HA HAH HA!"

Skipper and Cast (Suprised): "Oh NO!"

Bill Gates (non plussed): "Well... It's a good thing that I knew this was coming"

THE DEVIL (handing Bill Gates a big Chocolate Cake): "Here...this is for you. We've been expecting you."

THE DEVIL (turning to Gilligan, patting him on the head): "Thanks, my boy. You've managed to get everyone of their souls"

Gilligan (puffy with pride): "Thanks, Dad. I tried really hard."

a chihuahua (runs across the scortched earth of hell... stops and shakes nervously for a moment then explodes into a million pieces): "Ouch!"

The director (grabbing castaways by the scruff of the neck, dusting em off, and placing them on another uncontaminated, Gates-Free island in the Pacific): "You stay here while I go kick some rawhide!"

Gilligan (annoyed): "Son of a Gun! We got off the Island and now we're back! And this time you guys can't blame me! "

Skipper (eyeballing the Director hungrily): "I AM HUNGRY! ME NEED FOOD"

The Cast (in agreement): "Yes! Let's eat!"

THE NARRATOR (walking around the table, gesturing towards the assembled feating cast): "And so, on Christmas Eve of 1998, the castaways murdered and ate the Director. He was roasted on spit and server with a delicious plum and cherry chutney and other assorted holiday fare... (reaches out, plucks a piece of meat, dips it in chutney and pops it into his mouth) Hmmmmmm"

Gilligan (smiling...his face cover in grease from the meat): "God Bless Us, Everyone"

Johnny Parks (dryly): "god bless us everyone, except for elvis and simian and that doctor and the devil and gilligan and the skipper and darth vader, but darth vader only, you can still bless him before or after he turns to the dark side, and also except for bill gates. yes, god bless us everyone but them. "