(wondering who cast this thing anyway) A Long Time Ago On A Public
Broadcasting Station Funded By It's Viewers...
(Slightly pausing for the big rolling letters) there was trouble
aboard a small ship which was carrying some very precious booty indeed,
the princess. The ship was being followed by a large michrophone shaped
Leia (Recording Message Into R2-D2) Help me Obi Wan Kenobi.....
Goddamn R2-D2, what swamp of Dagobah did you crawl out of this morning?
Lowblow (hitting on Leia) "Hey, baby, let's you an' me do sumthin'
bootiful, huh? Hey, we're being shot at!"
(Smacks Leia) BITCH, get back into the kitchen where you belong!
(runs to the cookie jar) COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE
Bird (Strictly) Obi-Wan, please close your mouth while you eat that.
And for god's sake count how many cookies you eat so this is educational.
the Jedi (Happily) Everyone hi-ho, the force is strong with this
(with a mad look in his eyes) Like or would say giving to you, you
of the these biscuits Kermit, me of the chocolate, I will negotiate it.
It will be this gerbil of you the sugar!
(frowning) I think which you a Wookie had bought...
guy in a ship (over the communicator) COPY RED LEADER !! COPY RED
Leader (Looking out to viewscreen of the Dea-- Elmo.) A ah ah ah
ah !! Now we shall count the pieces of the planet Alduran !! A ah ah ah
(as The Planet Alduran) Oh dear . . . .
Fett (pacing nervously) "I feel like shooting something."
(Bleeping) Ping bleep bleep ping pong peep
Nemoy (in his Documentary voice) As one may imagine, long periods
of space travel can have an adverse affect on people. Here, we can see
the typical Jedi breakfast of cat food.
(munching happily on cat food) *crunch* *munch* *crunch* mmmmmm....
soggy . . . .
Nemoy (still talking) . . . and right here behind me, we can see
two crew members engaging in a ritualistic game of "kick R2-D2.
and Obi-Wan (kicking R2-D2) *clang* *clang* *clang* . . . ow, my
foot . . . . *clang* *clang*
Nemoy (gesturing to a door) And, right behind this door, we can
witness the mating habits of Han Solo. (i'll spare you that, however)
(approching Leonard Nemoy) Hey, you !! What are you doing in this
Nemoy (beaming out) Uh-oh. It appears the time has come for me to
leave. *BWEEEEEEEEM . . .
(His usual indifferent self) Why am I here? Oh, now I remember...
(Floating through space to the tune of Pink Floyd) Grooooooooooooooooooovvvvyyyyyyymies
(Bouncing into Elmo) Freakin' deathstar!!!!!
(Smiling) HEHE, THAT TICKLES!!!!
(Smoking a crack pipe while sticking a lighter under elmo) HHehe
THIS, hehhehehehehehehehehehereehehehehehe hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahshhohoh
ohohohohohohohohohohohohooblb;b;lb;b ;bblblblblblblblbbl hubba hubba
Bladder (smoking a cigar) Are we there yet?
Leader (looking out the viewscreen) Soon, Lord Smiley. But first,
I have to count all the stars along the way. A ah ah ah aaaaah !! (lightning
strikes, even though they're inside a ship)
Smiley (Gesturing towards the window) Now we will show our true
force by pointing the Death Elmo at that planet. The one shaped like an
"O." What kind of words start with "O"? Octopus, orphan, orgasm...
(Crazily) Bye bye, deathstar!!! HAHAHAHAHA
(singing) Teletubbies rule! Again, again!
Hooper (of Hooper's Store) Bahaha!!! The time of reckoning is near!
(gasping) Mr Hooper! We all thought you were dead!
Hooper (Laughing) No! I was merely encased in carbonite aboard Boba
(surprised) Really? cuz when that happened to me I woke with this
strange rash on my.........
Lou (Scolding) Han! For the last time, no-one wants to hear about
your goddamn herpes!
Great El Guacho (Running towards Bert) ARE YOU THREATENING ME???????
(screaming) I need TP for my bunghole!!!
(angrily) Elmo, elmo, you are supposed to be the DEATH star, Not
the Great cornholio, Understand? Now, get back to work!
(over com system) Nice shot Red 2
Skywalker (frowning) Bert! Bert! I think I wet myself!
Solo (looking around franticly) Nurse Ratchet! Nurse Ratchet!
(hitting Han with a vintage, ash, 1945, Louville Slugger upside the
head) All I wanted was a Pepsi!
Solo (eyes rolling back in head) UHHHHGHHHHH !
(Shoving his Rubber Duckie Light Saber In Leia's face) Will you
guys Shut the F#&% up and stick to the freakin' story !?!??!??!
Star (imploding in a feverish vibrating chuckle) THAT TICKLES!
The director is told NOT to produce a sequel to this film.