Twas the nite before christmas, when all thru the house, 
the cat, with hot pokers, was chasing the mouse 

yo momma was hung by the chimney with care 
with hopes that the teletubbies soon would be there 

With ma in her handcuffs and me in my hood 
There were to be spankings and they would be good! 

A hairbrush? Belt? Coathanger? Which tool should I choose? 
I grabbed one at random and had no time to lose. 

Crack went the hairbrush on Mama's round cheeks 
as she moaned and she squealed between her sharp squeeks. 

The result of the spanking with every new blow 
gave a luster of mid-day to her butt below. 

I stopped all at once, interrupted by noise
which sounded as if someone dropped a bag of cheaply made toys. 

From under the pillow I got my Smith-Wesson, 
and crept down the stairs to teach some fool a lesson. 

When what to my wandering eye should appear... 
but a skinny lil' geek (who was drinking my beer). 

His suit was ill fitting; definately from off of the rack 
and his hair cut looked like it had been done by a lawnmower on crack! 

He was thin and cruel and had glasses like plates. 
I knew in a flash that it must be Bill Gates!

Then someone smacked me on the head for thinking such stuff
so i reached in my pocket and pulled out my snuff!

I knew it was you, I said to the geek. 
You mustn’t be here, you’re a damned freak.

"Hey look at this", said Gates with a sneer. 
He peed on my couch and finished his beer.

"I’m Santa this year," he did declare. 
"I’m in control! I’m not a square!"

"You see now, I’m the brainy one here," 
I saw him reach out for another frosty beer.

"I NEED to do this! My reputation is crap! 
I need to be loved - beat this Anti-trust rap!"

I handled my gun while Gates he did sass. 
I wanted to plug a few caps in his ass.

"Santa's workshop is new and improved", he assured me that was not blarney,
"So check out the interactive MicroSoft Barney!"

"It sings and it laughs and tells stories...it talks to your to kids! 
It can do this all day without flipping its lid!

And at night when the kids are sleeping and the moon wanes and it waxes, 
this E- Barney will balance your checkbook and do up your taxes.

"And with the MS plus pack,"Gates said while his eyes twinkled like stars,
"It'll do the dishes, the yardwork and wash and wax both your cars!"

And with a wave he pulled out the Purple electric Barney and with a flick of the switch,
the thing came to life, opening its eyes and began to smile and twitch!

But then 'Lectric Barney began to puff smoke, 
and latched on the hand of that stoopid Gates bloke!

Just then the real Santa walked in the door, 
and shouted "THAT'S IT! EVERYONE DOWN ON THE FLOOR!!!

he lifted his coat and around his thin belly, 
a belt made of dynamite & a tubby of tele!

all the children were nestled all snug in their beds, 
with hopes that Jack Nicholson soon would be there

some people were drinking & some were not drunk, 
and who was that man with the crack pipe? A Monk! 

as the whole lot of them left in padded white trucks, 
I exclaimed "what a bunch of looney fornicate-ups"

Then a nuclear warhead appeared in to site,
and blew away earth like it was candle light.

The End