Well, it's the end of that season again, and it appears we have some leftovers that include the neurotic, the sexually depressed (or repressed), the dictatorial hopefuls, those who are just  hopeful, and one or two who are arguably bipolar, or possibly schizophrenic.

To start off with, Santa can no longer deliver hard liquor.  He used to, but after the Vermont flaming baked beans incident in '89, he is no longer permitted by law to carry any kind of alcohol exceeding the 5% by volume threshold which is considered non-flammable and safe.  Seems that prior to that, Santa's elves who, unbeknownst to many are heavy smokers nearly blew up his sled which was stocked with all manner of highly combustible alcohol products.  Blitzen spent 6 months in rehabilitation after an ignition source caused 3rd degree burns over 80% of his body, and Rudolph sustained scar tissue over most of his nose which reduced his lumen output by over 40%.  Since that time, the ATF stepped in (after raiding Santa's North Pole domicile and pinning Mrs. Claus against the wall in a standoff that nearly burned Santa's workshop to the ground) and declared that it was illegal to transport certain spirits over state borders.  Of note, contraband spirits included those of Christmas past, present, and future.  Also, the resulting fireball put NORAD in a STATCON 2 alert level and nearly ended up destroying civilization as we know it with nuclear warheads.

After careful statistical analysis, we've determined that many of our visitors requested at least from a metaphorical standpoint, pretty much the same things which we had to pretty much reject:

The following items are now considered contraband by the ATF, FBI, INS and NATO:

• Pot
• World Domination
• All requests involving mindless ramblings
• Restoration of limbs, digits, and other assorted body parts, including internal organs
• Any portion of a country, sovereign nation, or civilization which cannot be determined to be within rightful ownership of the requestee
• Reindeer meat products
• Combustible products that may be used by the power industry, including coal, oil, and natural gas either obtained from earth deposits, or produced by elves
• Love
• Hate
• Sex for money
• Sex by request without a cooperative 3rd party
• Unpublished books
• And anything related to illegal or illicit web sites that promote hacking, cracking, or other unlawful access

As a result, we, employed by Snackwurst, and those affiliated with all free trade and interstate commerce are restricted from fulfilling any and all requests with such relations.