| BEST
OF 2002
Did
someone order a flakey batch of love? Tee hee.
Poppin
Fresh
Poppin'
Fresh, how many times do we have to tell you, GO HOME! You KNOW you're
just asking for trouble! If Pillsbury sees you comin' 'round here again
they won't just make us close down the site, you know! Yes, we're talking
about the striped uniforms again! Do you really want that? Now it's time
to put the past behind you & move on. I don't even want to think about
what would happen if Simian showed up! Uh, oh.
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Dear Floating Heads, One
train is going south at 170mph, the second train is going north at 145mph.
An old lady with a green flowery kind of babushka is walking from the back
of the second train toward the front at 1.5mph. She drops her bowling ball
and it rolls towards the back of the train at 4.7mph, it whacks into a
rather hairy midget who's holding an aardvark, he starts hopping around
back and forth at 2.3mph the aardvark jumps out of his hands and bites
a small albino in the left knee who jumps out the window decelerating at
a rate of 25 feet per second per second... The questions is... where can
I get an aardvark?
Bud
Have
you looked in your pants?
- Simian
-
Are you guys back? Or are
you just getting me and Tori Amos's hopes up again? I missed you guys :(
Lucy
We missed
all you guys too. That's kind of why we decided to fight against
all the odds and win the lawsuit even if it meant our legal representation
was a drunken marmoset. We would have probably settled the suit sooner,
but the monkey puked on the judge's bench, and then Elvis started laughing
so hard he peed his pants, and I spontaneously emitted large doses of radiation
and killed everyone in the first three rows.
- Jason
-
Should
I move all the way to Michigan from Texas just for a job?
Spike
You
know, back in OUR time we'd be grounded for talking like this! WE
went out & found lame jobs that we hated and paid us just enough to
keep us from moving out of our parent's house. Our bosses were typically
authoritarian who thought we got paid to take his crap & had no real
clue what we were really suppsed to do, which allowed us to do practically
nothing except secretly run our own lame web site. What's wrong with you?
Get a job! Sheesh!
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Would you like to try some
Australian neapolitan ice-cream? The 3 flavours are Dingo Liver, Witchety
Grub, and Vegemite. There's never any Dingo Liver left when I get to the
freezer.
OzzyPedro
Mmmmmm
mmmmm!! Nothing says, “Australia hates the rest of the world” like Vegemite.
Oh, except for maybe the so-called career of Yahoo Serious. I’ll try some
dingo liver but only if you promise not to let Paul Hogan back into the
country.
- Simian
-
Who's cooler: Shaft, Mr.
T, or the Blues Brothers?
The
Blues Brothers giving Mr. T the shaft.
- Jason
-
 I
bet you this MacDonald's Big Mac (I'll throw in the fries too) that its
still illegal to have 6 year olds work for you. And I dont think you can
have Simian work for you cause you need a license to have tropical animal
or something and are Elvis and Jason even legal citizens? Or are you guys
in Canada where you dont need no stinking papers?
paco
Hey
guys, the webpage is talking back to us again! Get the shoe!
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Why do the lawn gnomes have
chain saw hands? Can I tape explosives to their head and let er rip? Or
is that an un-ethical thing to do.... I say screw ethics. It's gypped me
all my freekin' life.
dr.
me
Word
of advice: never burn your abridges. Thank you.
- Simian
-
Have you ever had a rash
like THIS???
OH MY
GOD!!! THAT'S THE WORST THING I'VE EVER SEEN! Oh, wait, it's
supposed to look like that? Then where's the rash? MOTHER OF
ALL THAT IS HOLY!!!! <THUD>
- Jason
-
I was
reading though the archives, and I came across something very disturbing.
Both Simian and Elvis both mention kicking midgets in the groin.
"Dwarves", or "little people" do not like the term midgets. In fact,
they take it as derogitory. Therefore, you should refrain from using
that term and cut all references out of this site. If you fail to
do so, I will sue. Thank you and have a nice day.
DR.
IMA MIDGE ETTOO
*kick*
*kick* *kick* *kick* *kick* *kick* *kick* *kick* *kick* *kick* You Ain't
Suin' US!! *kick* *kick* *kick* *kick* *kick* *kick* *kick* *kick* *kick*
*kick* (6 hours later) *drag* *drag* *drag* *drag* *drag* *drag* *drag*
*DUMP*
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Where's the love?
I'd
like to take this opportunity to speak incoherently. Everybody loves a
Zamboni!
- Simian
-
It's Thanksgiving. Who's
going to carve the turkey? Do you let the monkey hold sharp knives?
Danny
Knives?
Who uses a knife to carve a turkey? Here at Wackyadvice, we use a
chainsaw. Every year, I don the traditional turkey carving hockey
mask and fire up "the saw". Simian and Elvis handle the deep frying--well,
Elvis does anyway, Simian usually passes out midway through. One
year she peed in the stuffing mix...
- Jason
-
101
1010100001 1111001010111 1011 100101010 0010101010 01010101 01001010 0100101010
010101010110101?
-
q0dr
Liberace?
Thanks, Ouija!
- Elvis
Shortliver -
 What's
up with some of your visitors? Are they like all from the same high school
or something? You need a broader audience. Old people can be pretty funny
you know.
paco
If you're
like me - and I know I am – you’re going to start wondering just how much
funnier Gillian’s Island would have been if Peter Graves had been cast
as Mary Ann.
- Simian
-
you are all imbeciles.
You
forgot to call us "Big fat doody heads" and "Cootie monsters" as well.
I mean, if you're going to trash us, at least put forth a little effort.
None of this half-ass non-specific single sentence junk, get creative.
Oh, and by the way, "you are all imbeciles" isn't really a question but
I commend you for the fact that your sentence is grammatically correct,
and your punctuation is accurate (though you did forget to capitalize so
I had to deduct a point).
- Jason
-
Has
Russia REALLY gone democracy or are they just hiding the fact that they
are still communist?
Hahaha!
The visitor thinks there's a difference between Communism & Democracy!
Hahaha!!
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Why do baboons have red butts?
And if we evolved from monkeys, then why don't we have red butts?
Wait
a minute - just who are you calling evolved? Look dude, it’s too bad about
your red hinder, but I don’t think monkeys had anything to do with it.
- Simian
-
Did you know that deep down,
my feelings really get hurt when my questions don't get answered?
I need help here, and you guys just aren't delivering. I THOUGHT
I COULD COUNT ON YOU!
Lady
Sasami
Well,
you can count up to 10 on me. . .oh wait, actually. . .11.
- Jason
-
I've
fallen and I can't get up! Where's the beef? Have it your way! Plop-plop-fizz-fizz,
oh, what a relief it is. Where would you like to go today?
-
q0dr
You
are the weakest link. Goodbye.
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Why is it that every time
I open my mouth, I end up insulting myself in some way? I must be
stupid!
Guido
You
need a mentor. You know, someone who can teach you how to truly get to
know people... from across the street... through a telescope. Uh, ask Flagg.
- Simian
-
 So
exactly how much longer do you think that Mark guy is going to take the
constant ribbing from his mom? Every time she says to him "What's
this look like, a Holiday Inn?" I can tell it eats away at him more and
more. Tell you what -- that Mark guy is gonna go postal on his parents
and on Gramma, then we'll see some ratings!
Wild
Bill
Any
day, I expect to see them running a commercial where Mark laughing hysterically
stuffing his family into a chipper/shredder. Finally, he stops, looks
at the camera, and says "What does this look like? You can bet your
sweet ass it ain't no Holiday Inn!!!"
- Jason
-
How
can I be more ugly?
You
know, I just don't know.
- Elvis
Shortliver -
You've never answered any
of my questions, but you've answered Guidos plenty of times. If I can beat
Birdbox in a blinking contest, can I eat him?
Bobo,
of looneyland fame
Well
good luck with the blinking contest there, Bobo. Because unless you can
out-stare a decaying corpse, you’re not going to win over our affections.
Maybe you should consider sending us lots of money instead.
- Simian
-
An alien, a monkey and a
guy with an afro walk into a bar... oh wait, maybe you've heard it.
Wild
Bill
Yeah,
I know, I know the monkey gets tangled in the afro, and the alien freaks
out because of the incessant marmoset screeches, overheats and sets fire
to the bar killing everyone inside. Very funny.
- Jason
-
What
would I need to make my own cult?
Mr
Chips
Three
regular visitors who never let you forget that they are waiting for you
to speak.
- Elvis
Shortliver -
What?
FLAGG
The
word most commonly used by FLAGG each and every time he wakes his accident-prone
hinder up in the ICU.
- Simian
-
Do you know where my cat
is?
Whinny
Hopalong
Urp.
No. . .
- Jason
-
I have
a dream. A dream I can walk again. But I cant walk. Seven years ago my
Unkle Enriqe had a dog, it was a pit bull named Teeko. He didn't like me.
He bit me bad. After he bit me my Mom had him go to sleep at the doctors
office. She said it was ok. The dog was not used to kids. Then she said
that God will help me find a way, a way in life. And that I shouldent be
angry. But I am angry, all my freinds go out at night to hang out and I
am alone. I hate my wheel chair, I hate being inside, I hate God. Thank
you Elvis, Jason and Simian for making me laugh. Love, Shawntay
Shawntay
Dubois
Don't
worry, Shawntay, God hates you too.
- Elvis
Shortliver -
What do I have to do to become
Handi-capable?
hempy
Keep
coming to this site.
- Simian
-
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
Whinny
Hopalong
Oh,
sorry. <Ziiiiip>
- Jason
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