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My venitian blinds are telling me to do obscene things with dynamite and elmers glue. What should I make of this?
Kwestionman
You could coat the dynamite with glue, light the wick, and throw it at something you don't like. I don't think you'd really want to do that though, but I'm sure the Darwin Awards will be thrilled to write about it. But are you SURE that it's your blinds talking to you, not the voices in your head? Hah! They always try to trick us, don't they!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What is flagg made of?
Jenny
Let's see here. . .
Sugar, modified food starch, disodium phosphate (for thickening), tetrasodium pyrophosphate, mono- and diglycerides (prevents foaming), Red 40, Yellow 5, Blue 1, Citric acid, whiskey, and gluten-lots of gluten to hold him together.
- Jason - 
 

Simian, when was the last time you were sober? And how might I remove blood stains from my new carpet? There is quite a lot and scrubbing just makes it worse. Oh, and what if hypotheticly I had this "body" to dispose of?
Boo Radley
Hey, I was acquitted. And anyway, I was far too drunk to keep up with the actual details.
- Simian -
 

Hey I thought you would advise me how to quit making soviets go away, remove taliban, and, help
John
Yeah, well you kinda thought wrong. O-KAY, we'll quit making the Soviets go away, but removing the Taliban? Why don't you see how willing France is to help you? It's always the Big Bad Americans who have to take care of the rest of the world's problems, isn't it?? Well, I ain't goin' to jail again! - (climbs under desk) - Oh, and as for the help, you're on your own, buddy. I don't even have a grasp on myself at this point.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Can Jason turn down his heat so we can cuddle? I'm in the mood for cuddling, which leads to... other things.
Lucy
Unfortunately, the only way I can reduce my heat output is by taking cold showers, and cold showers lead to. . .pretty much not being able to do any freaking thing.  Oh DAMN THIS INFERNAL METABOLISM OF MINE!!!  Damn it all!  I suppose I could wear an asbestos vest?
- Jason -
 

Did someone order a flakey batch of love? Tee hee.
Poppin Fresh
Poppin' Fresh, how many times do we have to tell you, GO HOME! You KNOW you're just asking for trouble! If Pillsbury sees you comin' 'round here again they won't just make us close down the site, you know! Yes, we're talking about the striped uniforms again! Do you really want that? Now it's time to put the past behind you & move on. I don't even want to think about what would happen if Simian showed up! Uh, oh.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Poppin’ Fresh, my exquisite uncooked chunk of doughy substance! When did they lift the restraining order? Oh wait, the restraining order is against me...
- Simian -
 

My wife wants a divorce. Seeing as I am a 16 year old and I don't have a wife this seems odd. Tell me what to do.
Big Bird
Ignore her.  Like most wives, eventually, she'll leave you alone.  Until she returns with expensive items that she really didn't need, but bought because "they were on sale!".  Either way, she's gonna get your money.  You can either give it up in court, or give it up willingly and hope that one of the sale items came from Victoria's Secret. 
- Jason -
Next on Sesame Street, Elmo knifes Snuffleupagus in a gang turf war, Oscar gets arrested for selling crack to the pre-schoolers, and Bert’s past as a porn star finally comes to light. Brought to you by the number 6 and the letter Q.
- Simian -
 

Bitch stole my tomato pin cushion. How the hell am I supposed to sew now? Damn hippies....
Tahmeekah Lahsheekah
I think somebody needs a nap!  <smack>  Ow!  OK, somebody needs a valium! <smack>  Ow!  All right, that's it, somebody needs a serious ass kick. . . <Simian and Elvis restrain Jason while Mr. Lardlumps sneaks up and injects Tahmeeka Lahsheekah with a horse tranquilizer>.
- Jason -
 

Me and my friend are thinking of dressing like bums and playing music on the street with ratty instruments. He has a trashy drum set from the 50's and I have a $20 acoustic guitar from my local grocery store, a cardboard dulcimer and a metal zydeco tie. So I was just wondering if you could tell me 1. What is wrong with me? Is it the same thing that's wrong with you? 2.Why are zambonis so damn fun? I mean just think about the word.."ZAMBONI" come on, say it.
Llarson
Hey, you know The 1952 Oswald Honkers LIVED on the street for 13 years before they became famous! Look where it got them! I say go for it, Llarson! Hold on, Oswald says he has an idea for the second bridge: "I like to ride on my zamboni, and eat pepperoni, with Robert Downey Jr." OK, that's enough Oswald.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Okay, if you were cloned, and you hated your clone, and you beat the crap out of your clone and accidently killed him, would that be considered homocide or suicide? And on a dirtier note, what if you found your clone attractive and had sex with your clone? Would you be homosexual or just on the cutting edge of masturbation technology?
Whinny Hopalong
Is my clone male or female?
- Jason -
 

How's the weather down there?
q0dr
Psst. We're up here, behind you, in Jason's 2002 Xramulatz DVI (Drive the Visitors Insane) - See us? *bzzarrrt* How 'bout now? *bzzarrrt* Hey Jason, this is fun!
- Elvis Shortliver -
Dark with occasional sun, followed by more dark with evening potato-sized hail (could actually be potatoes).  Also, it appears to be raining vodka.  I'm becoming increasingly suspicious that Elvis and Simian have turned my spaceship into a giant liquor still.
- Jason -
Okay, slowly put down the magnifying glass and step away from my 12 Long Island Ice Teas.
- Simian -
 

I died so I could ask god what the meaning of life is. He thought awhile and told me he had absolutly no idea, then he tried to kill me. It turned out I wasn't in heaven but some cultish hell's angels gay biker bar. When I "died" I just went comatose. My wallet was stolen, some weirdo took one of my kidneys and I was left bleeding at the side of the cultish bar. The bartender (who was neither gay nor a biker) took me inside foolishly beliving I was 21 and had money to buy drinks for when I woke up. When he found out I didn't he tried to auction me off and that's about when I came to. When the "god" biker tried to kill me I told him I was Santa and he would get no presents if he murdered me. So who should walk in but Santa himself. I made a run for it but realized I had no idea where I was, so I went home. The moral of this story? Don't waste space on advice pages with your own lunatic rantings.
Robwerto (this is what my friends would call me if I had any friends)
Daddy!!!  You have finally come back to be the father that you never were to me!! *PUNCH* That's for leaving me with Mom, you ASS!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

When is the Easter special? I like rabbits a lot and enjoy decorating them. I have several rabbits and have spent several years training them in the deadly arts of Kung-Fu and Feng-shui but was wondering if you think it's appropriate to also teach them how to hop and eat lettuce?
Bud
No, but you should teach them how to kill and eat Martha Stewart. I would love to see cute fluffy bunnies nibbling away at her jugular vein until she died in freakish misery. 
- Simian -
Your rabbits sound like they would be quite a challenge for The Iron Chef, who will be our guest this summer during our annual drunken visitors banquet. I can't wait to see the look on his face when he bites into that fresh head of cabbage only to find a bunny full of zen that's about to go "Master & Servant" on him. Surprising!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Should I buy a conservative long skirt or a cute mini with those stiletto boots? I plan to blow my ex boyfriend (not literally) away when he sees how good I look.
Lucy
How about a really short asbestos skirt?  I have hard wood (no pun intended), so you'll have to leave your stiletto heels at the door.  If you really want to blow your ex boyfriend away, I've got a T9000 sonic blaster you can borrow?  It can liquefy bone from 20 yards.
- Jason -
 

Where has my dog gone? Dog gone it
Angel
Have you checked the local Korean restaurant?
- Simian -
 

Should I move all the way to Michigan from Texas just for a job?
Spike
You know, back in OUR time we'd be grounded for talking like this!  WE went out & found lame jobs that we hated and paid us just enough to keep us from moving out of our parent's house. Our bosses were typically authoritarian who thought we got paid to take his crap & had no real clue what we were really suppsed to do, which allowed us to do practically nothing except secretly run our own lame web site. What's wrong with you? Get a job! Sheesh!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Which category do I fit into: the neurotic, sexually depressed/repressed, dictatorial hopefuls, hopeful, bipolar, or schizophrenic?
Mr. Bob
Yes.
- Jason -
 

If you could pick one regular visitor that is the "village idiot" of Porfessional Advice (myself included) who would it be?
Boo Radley
You mean I have to pick just one of you?
- Simian -