| THIS
WEEK
Come hither and join my secret
service, the mafia of my mother.
Richard Nixon
WRONG!
The CORRECT answer would have been "Ain't I volatile?" - yes, those were
the last words of Charles Dickens. Shame on you, Richard! Always pointing
your finger at the OTHER guy, trying to paint poor Dickie out to be some
evil dood, for cryin out loud he wrote a LOT of great classic novels! Where
the heck would he have had the time to moonlight as the enemy of the people??
Do you really think that the creator of Tiny Tim would have it in him to
work for an organization that oppresses the misfortunate people of the
world?? Where'd you put your brains at, Man? Jeepers, you really ticked
me off. Tiny Tim... Hrmmmf.
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Who is Sen. Frist sleeping
with to get such great media coverage? Is it you, Jason?
q0dr
Nope,
not me. Check with the interns.
- Jason
-
Should I go after the Koreans
and finally kill them all, or should I colonize Australia, thus sandwiching
the Cambodians AND the Indonesians?
Mr. Chips
Once
I ate a Cambodian sandwich. It was very dry, and my stomach expanded 12
inches in circumference.
- Elvis
Shortliver -
LOOK AT ME! I HAVE NO PANTS
ON!
Chuckles
And
another member of MENSA comes to visits us at Wacky Advice.
- Simian
-
HA HA HA little people! Who
thought them up?
George W Bush
Don't
push me today, coz I'm ready to pop off a rocket straight in your direction.
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Your
father did, right after he vomited on the Japanese Prime Minister.
- Simian
-
This is a test.
Tim
Oh boy
I love tests! Grade me! Grade me!
- Jason
-
 Is
it time for me to rant?
FLAGG
Does
the Pope drool on the Vatican floor?
- Elvis
Shortliver -
According
to my Palm Pilot, you're not scheduled to rant for another 3 hours 52 minutes.
Today's rant topic will be: Why do fat women park their shopping
carts next to them thus blocking the aisle when parking in front would
allow people to squeeze by?
- Jason
-
What qualifies as "rude?"
Dr. Me
You
don’t visit this page often, do you Doctor?
- Simian
-
How can you stand it?
Whinny Hopalong
Look
at my hands! Specifically my FISTS!
- Elvis
Shortliver -
I have
a kickstand. See?
- Jason
-
Let me tell you about the
dream I had last nite. I'm walking down the street in a pair of yellow
boxer shorts with duct tape on my nibbles. I ask a cop who looks like Cory
Feldman in drag for directions to Bill Gates house. He gives me a soda
and pats me on the head. I continue to walk for what seems like miles until
i see a clearing where bunnies and puppies are playing happily with each
other. Suddenly I explode like a giant nuke and kill all the cute animals.
I feel really bad. My question is why would I want to go to Bill Gates
house?
Charlie
Actually
I’m more interested in how you planned to get the duct tape off.
- Simian
-
I see I'm not on the best
of 2002 page, but I'm the hottest person to visit here ever. What's up
with that?
Boo Radley
Nice
house, but nobody's home. Isn't that nearly always the truth?
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Who has the best bedroom
eyes? And which one of you is female; Elvis or Jason?
Sappy Southpaw
I guess
it depends on what you're doing in the bedroom. My eyes can glow
in the dark thus lighting up the remote and phone dial. And neither
of us is female. The monkey is the female.
- Jason
-
Did
you guys just randomly choose people's questions? I only ask because
I notice none of my questions were represented, and I'm sure that is just
an innocent little mishap. When are you guys gonna do a 'Salute to Tahmeekah
Lahsheekah' edition? I know it's in the works, but I would like to know
an exact date so I can show all my home slices at the retirement home how
much you guys love me. I remembered to take my medication today,
so that's why I'm coherent. I bet the monkey can't say that.
Tahmeekah Lahsheekah
 Well,
well, well, look who has their Depends on a little too tight today. I tell
you what, Granny well do a tribute to you after we do our special on The
Career of Burt Ward and I finish up my personal homage to Johnny Walker.
- Simian
-
Do you guys ever hold contests
between each other to find out who is the 'most popular' 'most likely to
be sucessful' and 'most likely to own a cocker spaniel'? Cuz that would
be neat!
Lucy
The
last time I held a contest like that, I lost for being smaller than the
others.
Stoopid
Spaniel.
- Elvis
Shortliver -
I was
voted most likely to be used as an alternate power source.
- Jason
-
Well
I would have to be the one voted Most Adorable and Loveable and Most Likely
to Date William Shatner After Binge Drinking Maple Syrup. Jason would be
Most Irradiated and Most Likely to Win The US Presidential Elections, Yet
Never Be Allowed in the White House. Elvis has definitely cornered the
Miss Congeniality title as well as being voted Most Likely to Use String
Cheese as Hairspray. As for the Most Likely to Own a Cocker Spaniel – well
that one is really twisted now isn’t it?
- Simian
-
Hey you guys!!! You wanna
go to the zoo?
llarson
Uhh,
llarson, this IS the zoo.
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Why is the Crocodile hunter
such an idiot? Was he born that way?
hempy
Apparently
he was picked on by animals a lot as a kid. Darwinism will catch
up to him one day, don't worry.
- Jason
-
This year in review thing
scared me mainly because I only had one question on it which leads me to
my question am I entitled to have an off year as far as asking good questions
goes?
FLAGG
No,
FLAGG, your questions last year have been useless and wretched. A call
will be made to you family, instructing them to love you less.
- Simian
-
Where can I get a "The 1952
Oswald Honkers" CD?
llarson
Oh yeah,
like you'd really shell out twenty bucks for a CD! OK, fine! Send me the
twenty bucks with your freakin' address & I'll mail you out one, you
good for nothing cripple!
- Elvis
Shortliver -
How can I transcend my bodily
state and evolve into pure energy? Oh, and why a marmoset?
Puff The Magic Dragon
 Basically
what we're going to have to do here is incorporate you into a thermonuclear
(and I want to clarify for all the morons out there who constantly slaughter
the english language--including George W., it's pronounced new-cle-uhr,
new-clu-yar!!!) explosion. We will have to pack you into a sphere,
or as close to spherical as we can get you. Next we're going to wrap
you with several kilograms of highly explosive material. Then, we
detonate it--and it all has to be detonated at precisely the same instance.
So what happens is, the explosives gooify your body and compress it several
hundred times. Your atoms will get squeezed so close together that
they will reach critical mass so you go nuclear (to re-iterate for the
idiots: new-cle-uhr). Viola! You become more-or-less
pure energy. Oh, and kill everyone within a 10 mile radius.
- Jason
-
Puff?
Like Puff Daddy? Now hush up and fetch the comfy chair!
- Simian
-
Am I having a stroke?
robwerto
.....
nobody seems to be reacting ..... Elvis continues to read his magazine
..... Simian's mouth is still on the brandy bottle ..... Jason is powered
down ..... Tune in next time to find out if robwerto pulls through!
- Elvis
Shortliver -
I am Trogdor! Trogdor strikes
again!
TROGDOR
Wow
Trogdor, I'm impressed.
Yeah, you came barging in here screaming "I AM
TROGDOR! TROGDOR STRIKES AGAIN!" and didn't even knock over a single
tea cup. Next week we'll work on how to follow up with threatening
dialogue. The topic will be: "After the screaming: destroying
stuff". Call me to schedule an appointment.
- Jason
-
Why Burt Reynolds so incredibly
awesome? Is it because he did that movie with the football playing
convicts or am I just gay?
Mr. Chips
Yes,
you’re gay. So remember: this river don’t go to Aberdeen. And stay away
from banjos.
- Simian
-
Ok, I've waited way to long
to ask this....WHERE ARE YOUR FREEKIN BODIES?!?!?
Boo Radley
I left
mine on the ship resting. Simian is so small she only looks like
she has no body, and Elvis' afro is so incredibly huge, that his body becomes
so disproportionately small it looks like he doesn't have one either.
- Jason
-
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