Officials from Snackwurst Corp. today announced a complete review to be conducted by the Federal Trade Omission (an adjunct of the Federal Trade Commission sent to investigate only the worst 1% of companies demonstrating virtually no known academic based accounting practices). Snackwurst VP noted “Apparently, the federal government has a problem with a company using trained monkeys for some core processes, despite the huge success we’ve had with Simian in our WackyAdvice division.”  When questioned about the handwriting on employee paychecks appearing to be nothing more than random scribbling, Wackyadvice VP Homer Sapien began screeching and jumping up and down in apparent irritation.  FTO chairman Idon T. Wobble said “This has got to be the most terrifying example of financial mismanagement we have ever seen.  It’s a small wonder the headquarters building didn’t literally implode.  It makes Enron look like a perfect theoretical college accounting class project.”

In an effort to cut costs and avoid Chapter 99 bankruptcy (the worst type of bankruptcy that a company can actually file without summarily executing all of its employees), Snackwurst VP Sapien said “Personnel and processes will be scaled down company-wide, and unfortunately, this includes WackyAdvice.”  The affect this will have on WackyAdvice appear to be negligible, and will probably only result in a discontinuation of the “Rejected Questions” section.  The various wildlife operating in that section will be downsized in various ways.  “We plan to sell some of them to Zoos, a few will be returned to the wild, and unfortunately, some will go back to animal shelters.  One or two who are ready for retirement anyway will be euthanized” Said Sapien of the monkeys, gophers, sloths, and penguins employed in that area.  “We do NOT expect that our celebrity Simian T. Marmoset will be in anyway affected.  Similarly, the great Elvis Shortliver will not be dismissed because he hasn’t been paid in over 5 years, but he still shows up for work every day, and to fire him would result in a negative net effect in the company financial sector.  Jason X will similarly remain employed because according to our 400 year contract, if we fire Jason, he can immediately conquer and destroy our planet, and advisers from the FTO tell us that’s just not an acceptable option.