| THIS
WEEK
Are you guys going to appear
on reality tv?
no
Only
if the next reality show is No Talent Celebrity Beat-Down and I get to
choose which pseudo-celebrity I get to pummel with sharp objects. I think
I’d like to start with Freddie Prince Jr. then work my way down to Pauly
Shore.
- Simian
-
Actually
there IS a TV show that's being written specifically for us. The premise
centers around these 3 pathetically distraught workers who are given 7
days to give advice to a variety of people, all trapped on an island full
of hot babes who are getting paid to have sex with them. So far, I kinda
like the plot, though understandably Simian seems a bit hesitant (the writers'
solution is to give her her own open bar) - so anyway, perhaps some of
you will end up on the show, and for those of you that don't, be on the
lookout for "Celebrity Drunks & Hot Babes On Answer Island" coming
soon to FOX.
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Where the hell am I, and
who the hell are you?
rcg
You
are deep inside CIA headquarters. Who I am is irrelevant. Now,
we'll ask the questions from here on out.
- Jason
-
Noting that definition is
inferior to conotation how do you explain GWBUsh running the country from
his play pen?
intrigued
by fire
Dubya
come back! You’re not a freak! You’re just completely, utterly inept and
very stupid! How can we destroy the environment and European relations
without you?
- Simian
-
Well, did it work? Am I invisable?
robwerto
Damn,
my experiment to trick robwerto into thinking he was dead failed!
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Would you let your mother
hear that?!
Lady
Sasami
I don't
really have a mother because of the way I was created, but thanks for reminding
me.
- Jason
-
I took your advice, and it
didn't work. Can I get a refund?
Emd
Hey
have I mentioned that I’m heavily medicated and I’ve just finished a gallon
of Jim Beam and Tang? I’m heavily medicated and I’ve just finished a
gallon of Jim Beam and Tang! You want what now?
- Simian
-
Hahaha!
- someone TOOK our advice!! Hahaha!
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Sure,
here's your $0 and no change. That should adequately compensate you
for the FREE advice you got.
- Jason
-
I've been reading the earlier
archived pages and got to wondering..... Elvis, did you used to be Asian?
big
bird
No,
but I did have buck teeth as a baby though.
- Elvis
Shortliver -
My life clock is flashing!
WHERE'S SANCTUARY?!
Jenn
Dolari
Carousel!
Renewal! Carousel! Hey, don’t blame me - blame Michael York. What do I
look like – a hammy B movie actor from the 70’s? Jeez! I have better hair.
- Simian
-
MY BIRTHDAY'S ON MONDAY!
YAAAAAAY!! Oh, and will you be my friends???
Mistress
of Darkness
I'd
like to, but I have some concerns that you may attempt to sacrifice me.
- Jason
-
 Happy
Valentines Day. Lets us all remember the St. Valentines Day Massacre. Will
you be my Valentine Elvis?
Bailey
Yeah,
as soon as I can get down off of this rock and finish sawing through my
ankle, then I should be able to crawl to a bus & get the hell outta
here. Once I do that, I'll send you a valentine card, right after physical
therapy.
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Why do plants need oxygen
to survive
Sophia
Muse
Now
there's an interesting little paradoxical question that at first glance
appears wrong, but when taken in context of a closed system is in fact
partially correct. First, plants don't actually USE oxygen, they
USE Carbon Dioxide and PRODUCE oxygen, however since our biosphere is a
closed system, plants rely on us (excluding me because I don't actually
use the oxygen in the air, I require the small amounts of Argon present)
to use oxygen and create carbon dioxide. So, in a nutshell, plants
need oxygen to survive because oxygen is what animal life uses to create
carbon dioxide that the plants need to survive. This of course assumes
that a huge asteroid the size of australia isn't bearing down on Earth
at this very moment, in which case, plants will need a lot more than oxygen,
er, carbon dioxide to survive. . . They'll need sunlight, heat, and
perhaps a little love. . .
- Jason
-
Uh,
they don’t. Looks like someone rides the short bus – with the window lickers.
- Simian
-
Are u still online? Nobodys
online anymore. Where did everybody go?
azuretoad
Yeah,
we're still here, one of the few surviving original websites that have
yet to be bought out by AOL-Time-Warner, sued by Metallica, or quietly
killed by The Pillsbury henchmen. Speaking of which, does anyone have Poppin'
Fresh's phone number? Maybe we can make him an offer, an offer that he
can't refuse. Heh heh heh.
- Elvis
Shortliver -
What does the world need
now?
Name
It needs
whiskey, sweet whiskey. It’s the only thing that there’s just too little
of.
- Simian
-
A new
president who isn't as the Canadians so eloquently said: "A Moron"?
I fully expect to have agents show up at my spacecraft any time now to
haul me away for saying bad things about Bubba and hurting his feelings.
Plus they'll probably claim I'm unpatriotic because I'm don't accept everything
our fuhrer says as he tries to start a third world war.
- Jason
-
See below....
What
sort of site is this?
We're
the sort of site that leaves you wondering what the heck you're still doing
reading us, AND at the same time reinforcing with your parents that
you need to be supervised while you are logged onto the internet. Pretty
kewl, eh?
- Elvis
Shortliver -
How many window frames does
it take to fill a swimming pool?
Woef
Large
amounts of alcohol marches through my arteries like massive radioactive
hamsters! The hamsters command me to do their bidding! Now what’s this
about filling Bill Gate’s pool with Windows 3.0?
- Simian
-
Is it okay to lick the bottoms
of peoples shoes?
Lady
Sasami
As long
as they haven't been stepping in that love stuff another reader was asking
about.
- Jason
-
A friend of mine is going
to this big anti-war protest. I told her that I'd give her five bucks if
she stopped any wars, or saved any lives. She called me a fascist.
Jimmy
Thank
you for that interesting blurt, Jimmy. I find it a shame that more people
like yourselves are not willing to go that extra step & offer cash
in lieu of true sweat-producing protest. Take a load off, will ya? You've
earned it!
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Dear
Jimmy,
You’re
a fascist. Now give me the 5 bucks.
- Simian
-
I'm Mr. M, with a munchy
mouth, I'm Mr. M, with a munchy mouth, my mouth goes munch munch munch,
my mouth goes munch munch munch, morning to midnght, midnight to morning
mr
m
I see
one of the letters from first grade grammar has escaped. If you ever
want to see your beloved Mrs. I again, you'll leave $500,000 at the WackyAdvice
headquarters at noon on Saturday.
- Jason
-
I sell used socks. Can I
be one of your sponsers?
Muffy
I'm
just glad that you've finally found your calling, Muffy. Sometimes it takes
people their entire life to realize that if they just set their goals much
much lower they would feel much better about themselves. Well, not really.
I mean, used socks are kewl & all, but we all know that your sales
pitch to us is just a sham. But I'll run with it, just for you.
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Hey
I need socks! Tons of them! Do you have any left socks? I’m pretty sure
I have all the right ones that I need.
- Simian
-
I cannot believe no one has
mentioned the obvious sexual tension between Jason and Simian. Look at
them, at the top of the page, looking at each other with lust in their
eyes, while Elvis looks away, covering his disgust with a big and fake
smile on his face. What is stopping you two from falling into each other's
arms and just admitting the love that you have for each other? Don't hide
your passion, you have to set it free!
Lucy
There
are a few problems with a relationship between Simian and myself:
First, Simian has a strange tendency to pee on things when she gets drunk
or excited, and I'm sort of a neat freak. Second, we couldn't fall
into each other's arms per se because my intense radiation would essentially
cook simian in about 30 seconds. I'm pretty sure monkey fur is flammable
too, and the equipment in my spacecraft doesn't tolerate pee very well.
Plus, high pitched screeching hurts my ears, and we couldn't keep much
booze around because it keeps bursting into flame when I get near it.
That really upsets the monkey.
- Jason
-
When are you releasing the
Home Game version of "Porfessional Advice!"?
Wild
Bill
Actually,
you ARE playing the home game version RIGHT NOW, Wild Bill! We are releasing
the WORK game version next year, which basically includes a bow tie, a
pencil, and a deck of cards with derogatory remarks from your supervisor,
which you read aloud to your opponents. It's alot of fun, you good fer
nuthin' lozer! Heh heh.
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Why do fools fall in love?
Guzalagoop
Because
they're not watching where they're going.
- Jason
-
Because
gardening always takes a back seat to science. That’s why.
- Simian
-
I am so friggin lucky! The
doctor said I'm still fertile! Fertile I tells ya! I got a hankerin' for
some spankerin' and I want to produce another child, and I want Lardlumps
to be the daddy. If it's a girl, we'll name her Simian 2, and if it is
a boy, we'll name him.... uh.. Orangjello. Tells me, if Lardlumps and I
got our freak on, what do you think our offsprings would look like?
Tahmeekah
Lahsheekah
Didn't
I see you on Jerry Springer last week? No, that was your Momma!
- Elvis
Shortliver -
 What
are some uses for baby oil besides shaving my legs with it?
CarNut
What's
wrong with you CarNut? Is it time to break you out of rehab again? All
you talk about is baby oil and flying pigs and seeing Bigfoot in your garage!
Jeez one would think you’ve gotten all sober on us or something.
- Simian
-
What do you suppose Judge
Judy is wearing underneath her robe?
Wild
Bill
I used
to sleep pretty well at night until this question came along. Now
I have terrible nightmares. Horrible tortorous dreams of an ill mannered
wrinkled old naked woman calling me an idiot.
- Jason
-
Why do I get email spam?
Are you guys responsible?
Stop
in the name of love
If you
would like to be removed from our list, it may take 6-8 weeks before we
can actually remove you, but we will, though we may give your email address
to 20 more mailing lists, and then you will hafta get removed from them,
so it may just be better to stay on our list, right? Besides, you like
email Spam anyway, don't you? How else would you know about hot chicks
who want to $@#*&% you, how to increase your $@#*&% size, and how
to $@#*&% someone in the $@#*&% for $@#*&% and *$@#*&%
after a night of $@#*&% $@#*&% $@#*&% ?
- Elvis
Shortliver -
No,
Spam is a trademarked name, and we aren't licensed to use that. We
send email gristle.
- Jason
-
When will the madness end??!?!?!?!
Oh, and by the way, would you be interested in surgery that is both cheap
and completely pointless?
dr
me
Hello
Electro-Shock Therapy Department? We found ‘Dr. Me’ again. Yeah, he was
wondering the halls. Maybe you should think of tightening the restraints.
- Simian
-
If coffee makes me nervous,
then why do I keep on drinking it all the time? Is it just so I have
an excuse to overdose on xanax? What prescription medicine does Elvis
take? Or is the problem that he don't take any at all? I think
"clean living" is just plain evil.
Sappy
Southpaw
Dude,
is that chocolate on your shoe? Oh no! Not again!
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Teach me a forign language!!
llarson
Ego
paravi tuus mater. That means "I got your mother" in Latin
- Jason
-
Why didn't you guys do a
Super Bowl commercial this year? Most of the commercials this year were
lame...
q0dr
Well
we wanted to do a Snackwurst commercial but Jason accidentally melted the
entire camera crew, Elvis ate all the free bagels and had to get his stomach
pumped, and they had me in quarantine for 3 weeks after that Eboli outbreak.
- Simian
-
We DID
do a Super Bowl commercial, but it was subliminal. And you came back to
our site, so it must have worked too!
- Elvis
Shortliver -
 How
come all the cute guys are either gay or taken? Or, occasionally, both?
Is it just an international conspiracy to turn me and my other straight
amigas into lesbians?
Ladeeda
Yes,
it's a conspiracy by the porn industry to recruit new stars for their all-girl
movies.
- Jason
-
I'm starting a betting pool.
With Bush as president, how many more months do you think the world will
be around? Wait a second.... maybe the apocolypse isn't the best idea for
a betting pool......
boo
radley
But
Boo, imaginee all the fun we’ll have growing extra limbs and watching our
skin fall off, after most of the planet has been turned into a burning
pool of molten nuclear waste! The only things that will survive untouched
are cockroaches, Twinkies and Cher. Now that’s something to look forward
to.
- Simian
-
Put
me down for this weekend. I'm gonna bet that insane Texan will wipe
our species out by noon Sunday. Meanwhile, I'm going to start packing
and get my ship ready to fly.
- Jason
-
Oh great.
Why don't you just breach the seal & unleash ALL seven horses of the
apocolypse for us, Boo? Or better yet, why don't you email Satan to do
it for you, then we all can sit around with Jimmy watching armageddon on
reality TV.
- Elvis
Shortliver -
is it Wacky Advice or Wackyadvice?
Flagg
Here
kitty, kitty, kitty.
- Simian
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