Breaking News: Khalid's
Identity Not Confirmed.
Authorities May Have Been
Mistaken.
Tuesday, March 4, 2003 Posted:
8:12 PM EST (2512 GMT)
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Khalid Shaikh Mohammed is pictured
shortly after napping Saturday morning.
Eustis Lardlumps is pictured
shortly after crapping Saturday morning.
 VIDEO |
 What
was he thinking? "Hello, Fashion Emergency? My name is Khalid & I need
help!"
PLAY
VIDEO
 U.S.
sources: 'Condo Space' Soon To Be For Sale in Middle East
PLAY
VIDEO
 CIA
putting 'hot pokers' on the alleged 9/11 mastermind
PLAY
VIDEO
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WASHINGTON (Rushed Press) -- A raid in Pakistan on Saturday March 1, 2003 turned up
who authorities believed was Khalid (religious psycho) Shaikh Mohammed
A.K.A. Mohammed Mohammed Mohammed Abdul Mohammed Weiner Mohammed Mohammed
Dork Mohammed. Believed to be one of the plotters of 9/11, Mohammed
had been sought by global authorities for some time.
Commenting on the capture, Donald
Rumsfeld was quoted as saying "What the hell is it with all these Middle-Eastern
religious zealots being named Mohammed? Can't these people think
up any other freaking names so they can actually tell each other apart
in casual conversation??? Sources concluded that it must be some
testament to certain groups' collective intelligence when, after thousands
of years of living in a "civilized" society, they can only come up with
three names, and two of those are Mohammed or some variation thereof.
Rumsfeld then went on to say "Despite the magnitude of this capture, we
do not intend to let these events distract us from our primary task of
overthrowing Iraq because after all, they started this whole mess in the
first place. We now believe they were conspiring with Stalin, Moussolini,
and Hitler, and now we're pretty sure the Iraqis, not the Japanese actually
bombed Pearl Harbor but we're reserving the right to blame the Taliban
for that too." Attendees at the press conference were observed to
be scratching their heads in confusion at this last comment.
After initial interrogation, authorities
were confused at the seeming lack of information Khalid had provided.
Believing he was merely intent on withholding information, they played
Barbera Streisand songs for 24 continuous hours only to confirm that he
obviously knew nothing. A source speaking on condition of anonymity
stated "We now believe we made a mistake in our apprehension. After
additional identity checks, we believe we may have in fact arrested an
American citizen named Lardlumps who it appears was visiting Pakistan on
a 2 week vacation." Commenting on this new information, Rumsfeld
said "We believe a mistake was made, however it wasn't our Administration's
fault, it was clearly the fault of the Clinton Administration, and we're
in the process of collecting information now to devise a reasonable story
to explain how it was Clinton's fault. We intend to move on and not
let this mistake of the former Administration deter us from our obligation
to rid the world of Saddam Hussein. In fact, I have just received
information from our "intelligence" sources that clearly point to Hussein
as the mastermind behind the American Revolutionary war, the Spanish-American
war, and the American Civil War." Commenting on this new information,
President Bush was quoted as saying "I believe it is in America's best
Interestiture, as well as the World's, that we riddle the planetude of
evilistic dictatorsists like Hussein and otherists like him including those
in my Axitude of Evil." When asked to clarify these comments so those
used to speaking proper grammar could understand, Bush stated simply "I've
said what I've said and questioning what I have said is unpatriotic!"
Later in the interview, Lardlumps
himself was brought to the White House press conference where he faced
his accusers for the first time since his arrest. Lardlumps was quoted
as saying: "That darn monkey had better not've been peeing in my rose bushes
again, or I'm gonna shave her and paint her blue when I get home."
He then stood up, screamed "You're all a bunch of morons!", then smacked
Rumsfeld and Bush on the foreheads with a Turkish salami and walked out
of the room.
