Polly want a cracker?
Shmiley Johnnyboy3731@aol.com
The last time someone said this to me was when I was trying to become a rock star. No, not a musician... I was throwing rocks up in the air as hard as I could to get them out of the atmosphere. Jason taught me a few things. Anyway, I realized the rock band I was in wasn't too happy with my multi-colored afro, or my aim, so I quit playing music & became a sports fanatic. That was back when things were sooo much lamer than they are now. No, really. It's so damn hard to get famous. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Why do I lose my car keys all the damn time!
Lucy
Unbeknownst to most people, physical matter isn't actually present all the time.  Every minute, all physical matter decays, and must be rebuilt by tiny elves.  Occasionally, these elves -- whether it be because of a weekend drinking binge, or mass firings -- get messed up and forget where an object was supposed to go, so they just build it wherever they please.  Then later, one of them remembers where it was, so they build it back at that spot, that's why when you're looking for something, you may find it in a place you've already looked.
- Jason -
Because I said so, that's why!
- Simian -
 

Can you get high off of church incense???
lady sasami
Only if you accept Jesus as your own personal savior. Yup, then the begging for forgiveness... and the guilt. THEN, you must open up your heart & let HIM in, accepting him and loving him... OR... you could just talk to Big Tad - He usually knows someone who can help you.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

I think Simian needs a wallop of prohibition.
Tahmeekah Lahsheekah
That's it! If I could reach the electric can opener, I'd open up a HUGE can of whoop-ass with your name on it, Granny! 
- Simian -
 

What's that sound?
Whinny Hopalong
I believe it's Simian trying to choke down another pint of ale.  Either that, or she's swallowed her key ring again. . . BAD monkey! eeeek! Bad!
- Jason -
That's the sounds of Whinny hopping along...
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

George W. Bush says that too many U.S. imports are coming from overseas. Where should they be coming from?
OzzyPedro www.give-me-money.com
Am I supposed to make a guess? The hole where the crack is at the top of the stairs? That's where Roodle lived. Until my mother told me he was imaginary. Maybe that explains his simplistic grin & empty-headed stares. Why, Roodle! Why would you do that to me??
- Elvis Shortliver -
Well, considering 'Dubya' is an incredibly inadequate, feeble-minded, moronic loser maybe he thinks we should import items from the Mir space station. Or maybe he doesn't seem to understand that America is a continent onto itself. And that it's surrounded by water. Crumbs! Is it too late for me to move back to the Amazon?
- Simian -
 

Does Simian drive? Does the monk drive when drunk?
Whinny Hopalong
To my knowledge, we don't have any monks employed here at Wacky Advice.
- Jason -
 

Was this the work of those NBC executives that got "Behind the Laughter - The Story of CarNut" canceled last week? Honestly, I spoke to those idiots for five days straight with the most intimate details of my life just to have it canceled. Grrrr. So, how's the monkey?
CarNut
Have I mentioned that I'm not Australian? Nor am I Paul Hogan. So technically, I'm GRRRR- ATE!
- Simian -
 

What is the terminal velocity of a swallow?
lady sasami
Are we talking about swallow as a noun or swallow as a verb?
- Jason -
 

Holy crap! I was flippin' through your archives when I noticed that I actually first posted a question at this site on January 11, 1999. Dude! I went by Lucy Forever, and I asked why is Tori so cool, and I then I felt a need to shoot Elvis because he has NO taste in music, but then I decided that violence wasn't the answer so I left and came back at a later date. Well! That should tell you about most people's initial reaction to this site: They don't remember it. But, I'm thinking that Simian is even cooler than I first thought.
Lucy
Umm, this is the exact same question you asked us on January 11, 1999. And do you remember my answer? I told you to lay off the Corn Flakes, Girl!
- Elvis Shortliver -
Whiskey! It's not just for breakfast anymore!
- Simian -
 

At what point do the squirrls launch into space?
Bobo The Hobo
Usually only after someone straps a 10 foot solid booster rocket to their furry little ass and ignites it (the rocket, not the squirrel's ass).  Incidentally, those fluffy tails make great stabilizers.
- Jason -
 

HELP!  My entire laptop is infected.  Nothing will load and I think the more I try to fix it the worse it is getting.  I tried dragging the program into the trash but it didn't get it off my computer.  The laptop which is my main computer and has ALL of my important data bases (NOT backed up for over a week since I worked away from home) is useless now. I am very computer illiterate.  It's sort-of like the car; I know how to use the starter and can shift gears but if it doesn't work I'm stuck.  I wrote out your instructions but that mean nothing to me. Are you able to help me? Care -- crying in Carlsbad, California
crodosta crodosta@prodigy.net
That's not your laptop, or your computer.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

I am wondering what's the safest amount of time I can leave a 600lb. turtle overturned on it's back for a music video I'm working on. I would hate to cause unnecessary stress on the animal but I need to get this shot to fulfill my vision. PS - I would like to meet your sister.
Ego Plum http://www.ebolamusic.com/
Let me commemorate this snarly question with a spiffy tune I learned while in a drunken stupor: Gamera is really neat He is filled with turtle meat We love you Gamera!
- Simian -
After receiving my copy of Ego Plum's Anthology Of Infection Vol. 2, and feeling somewhat disturbed by the photos on the CD (particularly the rat squooshed in the big rat trap,) I put 1 + 1 together. I mean, you don't have to be an animal rights idiot to figure this one out, DO YOU? The stuff you see in music videos isn't REAL, so don't worry about the turtle being stressed. That's what they get paid for, silly!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Have you ever noticed that your rejected questions section stinks??  I keep in touch with Flagg by reading the questions posted here.. and how am I supposed to do that when you can't read the stoopid page????????
Funkywun ... Flagg's Cute Sister
I'm afraid I don't follow?  While we did find an old submarine sandwich behind the radiator in the rejected questions section to explain why it stinks, I'm not sure why you can't read the page.  Is illiteracy a transient condition?  It could also be that Flagg's rejected questions are so weird, that they don't even appear to be written in english.
- Jason -
 

Elvis, is your 'fro made of plastic, or aluminum?
lady sasami
Why?? Next will you'll be asking us when you can buy Colorforms shaped like our heads? Oh, like WE would sell out like that! Buy your own damn wig! Aww, I'm sorry. I thought you were trying to steal it.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Are CarNut and oh look it's an airplane related? I mean they both are obviously on the wacky weed or possibly acid. They both enjoy rambling on about deep, deep, psychiatric problems. At least that airplane guy doesn't ramble on about TP for his bunghole, or how Snaggletooth wants a cookie. Have I spotted a connection?
Mr. Bob
In the 60's, people took acid to make a normal world weird.  In the 90's, people took Prozac to make a weird world normal.  I think that's sufficient to explain the "special" visitors.
- Jason -
Oh silly Mr. Bob! CarNut is for kids! And this will never make a very good After School Special.
- Simian -
 

This week on that one show there was this guy who did something and I wanted to know what he did.  He seemed to get in all kinds of trouble too.  What did he do and where can I sign up?
oh look there's an airplane
My Aunt Monama insisted on reciting my answer to you, so HERE it is.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What was Little Bunny Foo Foo's reason for bopping all of those field mice on the head? Was he like sexually attracted to the mices cabeza?
lil' nice dude
Uh, right. What the hell is wrong with you?
- Simian -
 

Hey Jason, did you ever meet anyone from Star Trek?  Are they really out there?  Take me to them.  Please.  Beam me up.
Trekkie
Um, Trekkie.  Star Trek was science FICTION.  No Riker, No bald Picard (who for reasons I could never comprehend was somehow considered attractive to alien women, some of whom were pretty hot), No overacting Kirk, and no pointy eared Spock.  Most real life out there is NOT bipedal, and most of it (including many single celled organisms) has a higher intelligence than the average SUV owner.
- Jason -
 

Waaaaaaasssssssssuuuuuuuuuup?
Ladeeda
Every week you ask us this, Ladeeda! Every week! OK fine, you want to know WHAT'S UP?? Mr. Lardlump's rectal thermometer! Any other questions?!?
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Why did the chicken cross the road? I've been pondering this for some time.
Ladeeda
Because it was glued to a fast moving projectile that happened to be going the same way.
- Jason -
 

Don't you think the world would be a better place if those damn kids just gave the silly rabbit his Trix??
Ashleigh
I think the whole universe would implode if that crack-addled, heavily medicated rabbit got his dope-fiend paws on some 'Trix', if you know what I'm saying. But then, when I see those offensive, selfish brats tormenting the poor rabbit with his own sugary cereal, I just wish he'd pop a cerebral membrane and go all Mesopotamian on their sorry hinders.
- Simian -
I think it would be a better world if they'd simply have the Trix rabbit and Lucky the Leprechaun fight to the death in the same ring as a simultaneous Battlebots super heavyweight match.  Can you imagine?  Scrap metal, tank treads, rabbit fur, and elf shoes all over the arena!  I can only speculate on what the "Kill Saws" would do to a Leprechaun, and what becomes of a rabbit who meets "The Pulverizer".
- Jason -
 

Hey guys, any of the three of you ever try out for "Survivor"?
Wild Bill http://members.fortunecity.com/wldbill/sporttapes.html
I was on Survivor for about 5 minutes. But I kept asking my teammates if I could eat them when they died. What? Was that a BAD thing? 
- Simian -
When we first became famous advice columnists, they invited us onto David Letterman & Jason wanted us to dress up in chicken suits. I layed an egg on the stage. It wasn't fertilized.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What did you guys give up for Lent?  I gave up the same thing I give up every year -- midget tossing.
Wild Bill http://members.fortunecity.com/wldbill/sporttapes.html
Well, I initially thought about giving up monogamy, but realized that probably wasn't a good idea because of the whole diseases thing from intimate relations with multiple unprotected partners, and then there's the involvement of attorneys and all that other legal crap.  Then I thought about giving up all self-control, but quickly realized I'd probably kill somebody as soon as I did that, and even though they'd probably deserve it, *I* would be labeled the 'bad' guy.  I finally settled on giving up paying bills which really works out nice, because now I have more money for beer and cool electronic toys.  Oh, and that leather massaging La-Z-Boy recliner with the beverage chiller and foot rest. . .
- Jason -
 

Okay, try and answer this riddle for me; Who am I?
Whinny Hopalong
The corpse of John Denver? The Incredible Hulk? Hitler? Mom? Crumbs, how should I know?!
- Simian -
 

Could one change their eye color permanently if they tattooed it?
lady sasami
Yes.  Next question, who wants to stick a reciprocating needle filled with ink in their eye?
- Jason -
 

What in the heck is Shadrach, and why is my sister playing it with anyone?  Let alone a strange being named Big Tad.  Has the world gone completely kazookie majookie?
The Jester
On the next very special episode of Wacky Advice, Elvis gets the ferrets drunk while Jason accidentally electrocutes Colin Powell. Meanwhile Simian gets totally plastered on Jeagermister. Again. Then they all play Shadrach. 
- Simian -
C'mon! We're only talking about playing Shadrach! Lighten up! And leave Kazookie Majookie alone, for crying out loud!
- Elvis Shortliver -