It's not all negative though. Potato jokes, banned for 2 years now, have been given the OK by management!

To see how this will effect YOU, the visitor, please read our FAQ page. For those of you who did not notice the LINK to our FAQ page in the last sentence, we have posted another link HERE. Just click on the word HERE (in the last sentence, Silly!)

If Jason left Buffalo heading east at 220 MPH, and Grover Cleveland flew out of Tokyo on his hovercycle going west at 102MPH, when will the Rapture occur?
Jenn Dolari
I'll end the world after I've read the paper ALRIGHT!?  Geeze, a guy can't even come home and relax anymore without somebody on me to "destroy this world, rebuild that world, wipe out this species, de-evolve that one. . ."
- Jason -
 

Sure, it's got laser guided weaponry, on-board GPS, twin booster rockets and a licorice dispensor.  But does it come with air conditioning?
Guido
Air conditioning? Crumbs, who cares about air conditioning?! My question is – does it have a fully stocked bar! Riddle me that Batman!
- Simian -
 

I was just wondering when the sun falls at night where does it go and why don't we all freeze? Is the earth alive? Does it have a mind of its own where it says better turn on my heater and keep these humans alive at night? Please tell me this.
mr man
You mean on EARTH?
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Ah, the Blowtorch...what mysteries hide behind your metalic exterior?
Shmiley
Little magical fire fairies. Well, they’re not really fairies, more like tiny drag queens, but it’s all good.
- Simian -
Pain, suffering, 3rd degree burns, and a wicked cool blue flame!
- Jason -
 

What do you guys think of the name change, eh?
¥ (the artist formerly known as boo radley)
And ¥ begins a quick descent into self mockery & bizarre sexual innuendos that only our archives would be able to describe more horribly than an episode of "Behind The Music."
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Dear Floating Heads, One train is going south at 170mph, the second train is going north at 145mph. An old lady with a green flowery kind of babushka is walking from the back of the second train toward the front at 1.5mph. She drops her bowling ball and it rolls towards the back of the train at 4.7mph, it whacks into a rather hairy midget who's holding an aardvark, he starts hopping around back and forth at 2.3mph the aardvark jumps out of his hands and bites a small albino in the left knee who jumps out the window decelerating at a rate of 25 feet per second per second... The questions is... where can I get an aardvark?
Bud
Have you looked in your pants?
- Simian -
 

Why do all of my friends listen to rap music?  I hate it but they keep talking about it in front of me and whenever I say "Dude, this sucks" they say "YOU SUCK!".
ps.- We are suburban white kids who have never been to a city.
Mr. Chips
Your friends are morons.  Because of this, they haven't realized that it's no coincidence that RAP is derived from CRAP.  I suggest you find some new friends.  Normal ones who don't think it's cool to listen to CRAP simply because they think other people think it's cool.  Alternately, you could just give up friends entirely and try to build your own neutron gun at home with Americium 241 from a smoke detector, a block of lead, and a strip of aluminum foil.
- Jason -
...Or maybe it's just because - you suck?
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

How much do you think mercenaries earn per hour, on average?
Protozoa
Twenty dollars per pound. Human pounds, that is. And all the free meat pies you can eat. However, the dental plan is real crappy.
- Simian -
 

Would you be scared if I told y'all that I am really a guy?
Lady Sasami
Would you be scared if I told you I'm a bad tempered small fluorescent green alien with a soft squishy belly and antennae that can electrocute people?
- Jason -
Would you be scared if we told you that we didn't care?
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

If The Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, Saddam Hussein, Pepe Le Pew, Diego Maradonna, Dr. David Suzuki, The Dalai Lama, Oprah, Yahoo Serious, Abba, Boris Yeltsin, Maggie Thatcher, and FW De Klerk were representing their countries in the figure skating at the winter olympics, who would win? By the way, do you want to know what the 'FW' in FW De Klerk stands for?
OzzyPedro
Whichever one can swing a knee-shattering baton successfully at the other competitors, taking them out while they whine “Why? Why?” over and over again. Oh yeah, and whoever the French judge is forced to vote for. And I heard that the FW stands for Friendly Wallaby, which is a much better first name than say, Brain Tumor.
- Simian -
 

Is it just me, or does it seem like a lot of visitors here are on LSD?
lady sasami
I think it's just you.  Tell me, how do you get all those colored lights to orbit you like that?  Oh, and how is it that when you speak, I can see your words?
- Jason -
 

What's a good way to make someone less innocent?
Lucy
Tickle me, Elmo.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

My nextdoor neighbor has been murdering mass amounts of people. Its hard to sleep with all the noise and mommy and daddy wont listen to me. I'm scared, what should I do?
Splee
Your parents are really space aliens. Everyday when you go to school they shed their human skin and eat dryer lint. You should be scared.
- Simian -
 

How can you be 10% at fault in a car accident when you drove safely?
The Realist
I dunno, I was declared to be 50% at fault once, so I told them that to compensate, I'd just double the damage estimate.
- Jason -
 

Elvis, how do people take your afro?  I am white and have one as well but some people get offended by it.  Oddly, none of these people are black.
Mr. Chips
Yo man. Don't be dissin' mah 'fro.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What ever happened to Eminem and why didn't it happen sooner?
Mr. Chips
He was force-fed Beanie Babies, beaten with cabbage filled gym socks, and then consumed by drunken rabid hyenas. Why didn’t it happen sooner? You know how much booze it takes to get a rabid hyena drunk?
- Simian -
 

How can I be sure that a Cliff bar is not really a wad of dog doo with some sugar added to it?
Protozoa
You can't.  How can you be sure Yogurt isn't snot with food dye and fruit added?
- Jason -
 

When will the sky fall with the rath of the seven heavens and the ring of fire from hell.? Can you please tell me this!? You are the genius arent you? Please tell me that you are the chosen magical mushroom man that knows all and sees all!..! Tell me that its true so that i may sleep! Please?
± Sir ± Çlown~
I could make a LOT of money if I based a religion off of your depiction, but then you'd only want me to share the loot with you, so I'll form my OWN religion based on pudding pops. Want one? It might help you calm down a little, unless you're lactose intolerant. C'mon! Admit it! Bill Cosby is right up your alley, huh.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

How come your all so cute? And how can I get to be as cute as you guys?
poopoo
For starters, you could change your name.  Nobody's going to think you're cute with a name like "poopoo".  I'd recommend Fuzzles, or Snuggy, or maybe even Pookiebuns.
- Jason -
 

Whats wrong with me?
Anonymous
Apparently you want the short list:
1) You look funny
2) You were adopted
3) No one likes you
4) You have dingoes in your shorts
5) Your name is George W. Bush
- Simian -
 

So...What kind of drugs did they do to come up with the "Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang" story?
Protozoa
Just a spoonful of sugar... in the most delightful way.
- Elvis Shortliver -

All SnackWurst employees are required to attend a mandatory meeting in an undisclosed location. NO EXCEPTIONS. All employees must report to the main office Monday morning to be taken to this location. DO NOT bring weapons.

All employees working in the Porfessional Advice! Division should post this notice on the website until you return on April 1. Under NO circumstances are you to disclose the undisclosed location to the visitors on the website.

Sincerely,
Management