Porfessional Advice!

PORFESSIONAL ADVICE!
The ONLY Original Almost-Weekly Humour Site Left On The Internet!

WITH

Elvis Shortliver

Simian T. Marmoset

Jason X.

THIS JUST IN AT GNN

GNN BREAKING NEWS GNN Sued By CNN For Plagarism CNN Spokesperson: "They Simply Changed The 'C' To A 'G', So There!" GNN: "We ARE The Gable News Network, & There's Not A DAMN Thing That You Can Do About It, CNN!" SnackWurst Employees Take Over Corporation Hundreds Of Animals Held Captive Revolt Occurs As The 1952 Oswald Honkers Are Called Up For Duty In The War Against Terrorism David Hasselhoff Out Of Rehab Again He Left With A Drink In His Hand Simian T. Marmoset: "He's A Can Of Ham" Stocks Drop As Word Of SnackWurst Hostages Are Selling Off Stocks To Protect Oil Fields In San Diego I Bet You Didn't Know That There Were Oil Fields In San Diego There Are I Swear Bob Hope Condemns OSA Tour As 1952 Oswald Honkers Take Stage A Bloated, Cranky Jerry Lewis Looking for Work in France Dick Cheney: VP is So Creepy He's Been Kept Out of Public Eye For Months Rosy O'Donnell Comes Out Of The Closet. Again. No One Cares. Bombed Night and Day - The Gary Busey Story Dick Cheney: Still Creepy In Radio Speech George W Bush Uses a Big Word. He Doesn't Know What it Means Top US Officials: Spy Satellite That Was Supposed to Photograph Saddam's Strongholds Has Been Taking Pictures of Some Guy's Backyard in Seattle. Nice Close-ups of the Kiddie Pool and Dog House Defense Secretary Rumpsfeld Accused of Using Last of the Presidential TP and Not Replacing Roll Bill Clinton is a Smarter Guy Than George W Bush Anna Nicole Smith Really, Really Fat Richard Nixon Still Dead. Corpse of Bing Crosby to Be Dug Up and Sent on Tour With Bob Hope To Entertain Troops. "Bing Would Have Wanted it This Way" Says a 120 Year-Old Hope From His Hospital Bed While Receiving Formaldehyde Intravenously. More News To Come...

SNACKWURST TOPPLED!

Employees of SnackWurst Food Product Corporation, the largest conglomerate food production facility in eastern USA, rose up in protest on Friday after learning that the company had secretly made a deal with the United States Government to have the 1952 Oswald Honkers called up into duty to entertain the troops on the OSA Tour in the Middle East. According to Elvis Shortliver: "We have had it with this company constantly abusing it's employees AND it's customers with horrible food products, and we refuse to allow them to continue to be the thugs that they are."

Mr. Shortliver, along with Simian T. Marmoset, and Jason X., all working for a small division of Snackwurst, began the initial stages of their operation "Wacky Freedom" last Friday, taking over the vending machines in the cafeteria and the restrooms in the lobby. It appears that they are currently 50 floors away from the CEO offices, being held up initially when one of the "Coalition of the Swilling" members turned out to be a traitor, first appearing to help defeat the company, then turning on the coalition suddenly, launching gas attacks with his arse. During a brief interview on Saturday, Jason X. told reporters that Mr. Lardlumps was never fully trusted within the coalition & that they had expected this, so they brought a LOT of matches with them to burn off the methane gas which had taken over the air in the building like a "rotting carcass of death & destruction."

The 1952 Oswald Honkers were deployed on March 17th, and have been stationed primarily in Qatar. Despite the constant missile attacks and air raid sirens blaring, the band seems to be oblivious of the surrounding threat, mostly because they are all hard of hearing from years of abusing their ears & the ears of their audiences. In fact, the group arrived in Qatar to a large crowd of fans, as a remix of their classic song "Snoogle All Over You" by MC Crap Master has become a major hit on the Middle East Top 40, reaching the No. 12 position last week. The 1952 Oswald Honkers are enjoying their rekindled celebrity status, signing autographs with camel droppings at their nightly sold-out hoe-downs. When told about the SnackWurst standoff, band member Oswald Lee Honiker told reporters "Tell whoever is fighting for our return home to knock it off, as we really are OK over here. We don't want to come back."

The SnackWurst Operation is expected to last as long as it takes to seek out and destroy all food product of mass digestion.

MARCH 31, 2003

How do I "Return to Normalcy?"
Lady Sasami
I guess you should start by taking down all of that plastic sheeting and duct tape that you have sealed yourself into your cardboard box with. I think that's a fire hazard, you know.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Stop using drugs and help us to liberate the Honkers.
- Jason -

What's the over/under on how long Saddam lasts once the war starts? If it's 20 days, I'll take the under.
q0dr
Are we talking dog years, New York minutes or the amount of seconds ticking away until George W gets impeached?
- Simian -

If you see the ducks can you pretend you didn't see me because they've been after me for months and I'm clear out of duck tape and I have no means of defending myself and I think they're on my track and I have to get out of here quickly and hide somewhere where they won't find me but you can't hide from them, they'll find you, you know, and I am the only one who knows about their evil world domination plot (along with the penguins, that is) and no one believes me but you can't tell them I was here whatever you do and OH MY GOD THEY'RE HERE but other than that, I'm fine.
QUAACCKKK
No problem. We're good at pretending. HEY DUCKS! There's NOBODY HIDING OVER HERE, OKAY?? Heh-heh.
- Elvis Shortliver -

I wonder what this little typey box is for. Ooohhh pretty button I wonder what it does...
Doy
Don't push that button! It launches the 500 pound missiles full of whipped cream. We're literally gonna cream our adversaries.
- Jason -
Oh magical bottle of blessed Wild Turkey, take me to the land where Doy lives – with his shiny buttons and fresh lobotomies. I too want to become a babbling, drunken cousin in the Bush family. At least they live longer than those Kennedy people.
- Simian -

How long will it take me to beat this guy in my math class at Scrabble Jr? Keep in mind that he is a complete moron.
Mr. Chips
Well, once he finishes unloading his payload of ammunition on your country, fails to find anything credible to show the world that you were a threat in the first place, and alienates himself from the rest of the world, then he'll probably just sorta give up & you will win by default. I'll say about 10 months.
- Elvis Shortliver -

How many years does it actually take for swallowed gum to digest?
I Want Lunch
Fewer years than it takes for those brain worms to bore a hole through to your cerebral cortex and suck out all your gray matter. You think I’m kidding? Look at what brain worms did to Cory Feldman! That guy’s like a festering zombie with bad fashion sense. But then, how many zombies have good fashion sense?
- Simian -

What's your favorite animal?
:)
Oh, that's easy: Penguin
- Jason -

Tell me the truth! That's right, all of it!!
llarson
Come on, We're Americans! We don't DO that, silly!
- Elvis Shortliver -

Why am I so freaking homosexual? I mean I really have a problem.
JimWilson
Shhhh! Don't say that too loud. Lardlumps has been on a rampage lately with the Snackwurst war, and they have a Don't ask, don't tell policy too.
- Jason -
Well seeing as you’re asking us for some actual advice, I’d have to say, yeah you sure do have a problem. Why don’t you stop dressing up like Zsa Zsa Gabor on steroids and kissing poodles in public? That might help.
- Simian -

You think you're pretty funny don't you, you American wussy pants capitalistic imperialist dogs? No one likes a smarty pants!
Mohammad
Sorry Mohammad, Allah is not here to take your call right now. Leave a message after the tone if you would like to speak to one of our christian deities, or you can just hang up & try your call again.
- Elvis Shortliver -

How do you guys have enough money to run all these webpages and not have any real ads?
Hmmjawhat
We don’t. That’s why we’ve been selling real human organs and drug-free urine on eBay for the last 11 months. Say, you know anyone who has any drug-free urine? None of us can fill the order.
- Simian -
We intercept a lot of funding that was earmarked for terrorists. We can't say how, but suffice to say, they're never happy when they're expecting $10,000 cash, and all they get is a bag of fat free Doritos, and a half empty vanilla Coke.
- Jason -

I tried to search for my car keys but it didn't work! Damn you CNN! Why do you make my life so miserable?
Charlie
Society didn’t give me enough spare car keys or CNN didn’t give me enough bullets. Take your pick.
- Simian -
Because it's the only thing that Wolf Blitzer really enjoys. Well, except for George Bernard Shaw.
- Elvis Shortliver -

What would be a bad thing to do during surgery?
Dr Me
I can think of several things:
o Dropping necessary organs on the floor
o Blowing up a paper sack, closing the top, and "popping" it behind the surgeon
o Smoking cigars with the nurses during surgery
o Bringing in a lawn chair and a six pack as if it's a spectator sport.
- Jason -

Why would anyone want a map that doesn't include Utah? NEVER buy a map from anyone with slicked-back hair named "Fatboy".
Wild Bill
Well, I'll give you the shorter answer of the two. Once upon a time, the great leaders of our country were sitting around a map of the world looking for countries to pick on. Our hero, who was sitting opposite Colon Powerr, was looking at the map upside down, and he thought that Utah was a country called HATE-U. I'm serious. If you live there, I'd leave very soon, before he figures out why IIAWAH & AKSALA don't want to hang out with the rest of the country. Oh, I said that I was going to give you the shorter answer, didn't I? Well, then, "Fatboy" has it out for stupid people, and guess who just got gyped.
- Elvis Shortliver -

You had my guestbook on your site - some of your *ssholes actually signed my guestbook - thank you. May Allah be with you.
Not My Real Name
Looks like that jelly doughnut got away from you there. You’re not from the government are you?
- Simian -
If you're mad about that, you're really going to be mad at us when we tell you that we've planned a huge party at your place next Tuesday while you're at work.
- Jason -

Where am the yams, oh girl of my dreams?
Splee
While you were looking for your stinking yams I went and liberated France from those pesky French people. Now we can all enjoy French toast like the almighty Poppin’ Fresh intended.
- Simian -

Care to comment further Mr Rumsfeld?
Washington Post
Yeah, like you'll still be in publication by the end of this.
- Elvis Shortliver -

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