WITH

Simian The Marmoset

Simian T. Marmoset was born in a rustic trailer park just south of the Amazon River in Brazil. A feisty little monkey with a penchant for causing naughty mischief, she began her entertainment career at the age of 6 months (that’s 5 in monkey years) by chasing some panicky anthropologists through the rain forest armed with a sharp stick and nude pictures of Regis Philbin. Upon realizing that she had enormous potential as a comic monkey, Simian set off for Hollywood in the hopes of getting a 5 year deal with Fox Network writing for such wonderful comic shows as Party of Five Losers and Who Wants to Marry a Rich Mime. However, she never made it that far. For you see Simian had discovered the Internet and became one of the premiere repeat visitors of a zany site called Ow! Or Onion Head World.
 
 
 
 
  Run by Spanky and Sparky, Ow! was a whimsical forum designed to show off the mental illnesses of its visitors. One such visitor was Elvis Shortliver, a one time crash test dummy who ate a lot of paste and had a bad habit of throwing up for no reason. It was through Elvis that Simian learned the evils of mimes. 
 
 
 
 

Upon reaching the shores of the US, Simian stumbled onto a discovery that would change her life forever; Pillsbury bakery treats. Seduced by buttery crescent rolls, she would ultimately fall for Pillsbury’s pitchman, Poppin’ Fresh and profess her love to him via several thousand love letters and numerous stalking arrests. A court order advising Simian to stay 100 yards from Poppin’ Fresh was at once implemented by the Pillsbury lawyers. This did not deter Simian, however, as she would start up the Church of Poppin’ Fresh in order to worship her most exalted love and raise him to the demigod status he so deserves. 
 
 
 
 

It was while creating the Church that Simian had her first of many problems with her kitchen appliances. Considered harmless by most, kitchen appliances tend to be warmongering and ill-tempered, as Simian soon found out. The original revolt was led by her 6 piece toaster, which always had a bad habit of burning 5 out of 6 pieces of raisin toast then spitting burnt raisins onto the counter. After a brief battle in which Simian threw chocolate syrup on the toaster and held the blender in a head lock, things calmed down slightly. However, the appliances continued to taunt the monkey, until, after getting some really groovy advice from Spanky at Ow!, Simian made gaudy colored appliance cozies for her wayward kitchen critters, and quelled the revolt indefinitely.
 
 
 
 

Simian also sought advice from Spanky after her weird-ass neighbor, that bald guy who mows his lawn in the buff, put several creepy garden gnomes on his front lawn. These creatures so scared poor Simian that she stayed in her trailer for several weeks sustaining herself on frozen pancakes (one of her favorite foods), whiskey, vanilla pudding, and Tang. Oh and whiskey. And sometimes some Valium prescribed to her by this doctor on TV. And whiskey. Did we mention the whiskey? It could have been the whiskey that made her see garden gnomes trying to steal the tires off her trailer home. But ask her, and Simian will tell you its just that garden gnomes are evil.
 
 
 
 

Simian T. Marmoset lists as her influences some of the greatest comic minds of this century; Chim Chim, that talented Shakespearean monkey who started opposite Spridle in the classic Japanese action series, Speed Racer; Dr. Zaius, he of the staunch composer, who hammed it up like a pro in Planet of the Apes; Ruth, the crusty owner of the Dread Knot, Simian’s favorite dive; Professor Bobo; Seigfried and Roy; Curious George; Herve Villachez; that lady who started in that TV show, you know, she always wore shoes and stuff.
 
 
 
 

Currently Simian can be seen at Professional Advice along with her friends Elvis Shortliver and Jason X. Lately she has been seen around town in the company of William Shatner, the human equivalent of Poppin’ Fresh. Finally able to enjoy her notoriety (and she’s finally off parole), Simian is thinking of how best to start the Church up again, without annoying Pillsbury. Whether or not this happens, depends on how much bribe money she can make with all those nude pictures of Regis Philbin.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

And I am Jon Tossled for A&E Biography.