Hello, we just inspected the SnackWurst factory and we have determined that the working conditions there are unsafe due to the excessive amounts of mercury and dust bunnies in the factory.  We have also determined that all of the workers are penguins who have immigrated illegally.  Therefore, we have decided that it would be in the best interest of the SnackWurst community to shut down the factory.  Please do this as soon as possible.  Failure to comply will result in angering the snack food deites.  Thank you for your cooperation.
Health Inspector
I see that the FDA has finally hired another health inspector. The last one quit after washing up on the shore of the Potomac River bank after he fell into an unnamed company's filtration system. They found his body in bloated pieces after the massive amounts of waste water literally forced his carcass thru an iron grate at the end of the drainage pipe. A five year old spotted one of his fingers floating in the water. Health Inspectors sure are  buoyant!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Howdy schkindivers. Schkindiving can be fun. What do you think of my new cling wrap swimming trunks?
OzzyPedro
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!  Put it away!  Make him stop!   Make him stop!  I'm blind.  Oh God, I'm Blind!
- Jason -
AHHHH! Make it stop! Make it stop!
- Simian -

Why does the goverment paint the war tanks and all that equiptment in safari colors? It's all sandy and stuff in that Iranian country. Don't they think beige would be a better color? I think if I had a tank of my own I would paint it black. There must be a Home Depot over there somewhere. Then my Mom would be able to pick me and my tank buds out of the crowd when they pan over the front lines on TV. I could be like, "Hey dog, look at me!"
Kent in Florida
Hey look, there's Kent on CSPAN riding around the desert in his black tank! What's he doing?  Oh, he's melted himself onto the black tank trying to hop in. His pants are smoking, except where his tears are falling, but his black tank sure is kewl!
- Elvis Shortliver -
Do you have a mom, Kent? No, really, guy. Do you?
- Simian -
 

So are you guys terrorists now? You can't just go storming across the earth taking over peaceful places that you deem wrongful, you know. There's a lot of good people out there who just want to forget about it all & just listen to rap music. Rap is alot better than fighting!
Tracie Knowitall
You know it's not just coincidence that the addition of the letter C fits so nicely on the word "rap".
- Jason -
 

If Iraq has so much oil, why doesn't somebody just throw a match over the border?
Mr Chips
And there's Mr. Chips on CSPAN playing with a pack of matches! What's he doing? Oh my, his pants are smoking too.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Where's Waldo?
Just Call Me Sir
Actually the question isn't really where's Waldo, it's where's Waldo's rotting, maggot-infested corpse. And as for that answer, well, I'd tell you but then you'd have to kill me. Oh wait, that's the other way around.
- Simian -
 

Are you guys really just a bunch of 50 year old fat assed stalker people who have nothing better to do with your time?
Hmmjawhat
No.  In fact none of us are 50 years old.  One of us might be a stalker though, but I'm not sure, it may just be a rumor.
- Jason -
You should be so lucky.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Is this swelling in my brain a figment of my imaginatinon, or perhaps is it part of something bigger? And if I so wished, could I combine with some of my friends to form a giant fighting robot? would I get to be an arm? I sure hope so.... I do enjoy holding things.
Boo Radley
I enjoy Wild Turkey, Sambuca and Absolute mixed together but you don't see me cutting off my arms do you? What the hell are you babbling about? I really don't know. But what I do know is that there isn't enough booze in the world that will wash away that image of OzzyPedro in cellophane swimwear. Can you feel my pain? I can make you, you know.
- Simian -
Sure, you can combine with some of your friends to form a giant fighting robot, but you can't all be "arms" you know. And we ALL know where this answer is going, so I'll stop short of calling you an ass & just let you assume the position.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Hey Jason, while you're up, can you go get me a beer?
Lucy
I dunno, are you of legal age to drink?  'Cause the ATF has been monitoring us closely after that keg party we sponsored at that pre-school recently.
- Jason -
 

I used to write here every now and again, then I stopped. Anything interesting I should be informed of?
DiamondDog
Nope. Nothing interesting around here. Well, except for the penguin revolt. Oh and the little thing with the Latvian ambassador and those dead rat pelts. Oh yeah, and the whole 'chunky peanut butter incident' but that's under appeal.
- Simian -
 

What will happen when the donuts start to roll?
Lady Sasami
It will produce a global epidemic of tummy aches, thousands of infected victims will be quarantined due to their uncontrollable diarrhea spasms, the nauseating stench of human waste will fill the earth for several hundred years, and the King of Rock and Roll will be spotted running through the streets making fun of it all.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

How do I avoid death by the Americans?
Saddam Hussien
According to the insane rantings of Dubya, DISARM!  NOW!  But even then, he'll probably kill you anyway.  He's one tree short of a hammock anyway.
- Jason -
Move to France, paint your face white, and jump around like an idiot. Hey it works for Jerry Lewis. Come on, who hasn't wanted to beat Jerry Lewis within an inch of his life?
- Simian -
 

I tried to look for my friend but why do you have to make my life so difficult? DAMN YOU PEOPLE!
Ashikashay
Hehe - another desperate Google search ends within our vast collection of archives.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Are those candy bars?!?!
Robwerto
I don't think so.  But just to be sure, why don't you try one.
- Jason -
 

How many drugs are too many drugs? Not that I take drugs or anything.
Charlie
Dear diary,
Today I glued rancid sausages in the hands of Mr. Lardlumps garden gnomes and decorated his mailbox with used flypaper and powered Tang. Live is good.
- Simian -
 

What do you guys want to be when you grow up?
Suzy
A convenience store clerk by day, and a super hero by night.
- Jason -
Shiny. Very very shiny.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Why is Bush such a fool?
Mohammed
He's a member of the Bush family, duh. . .
- Jason -
You want the short list?
- Simian -
 

Next year I will be attending the University of California Santa Cruz. Do you have any college advice for me?
DiamondDog
If you drink too much & must vomit, don't do it out the window. You might end up like this Sad Sack.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

How many licks does it "REALLY" take to get to the middle of a Tootsie Pop? "REALLY!"
Blonde
I'd like to this moment to point out that I'm a heavily medicated monkey on a bender. Not that I'm not always on a bender, but you should just keep that in mind.
- Simian -
 

Why is it that you have some incredibly witty answers, then some incredibly stupid ones?
Jessie
It mostly depends on what we happen to be under the influence of at any given moment.
- Jason -
It's just an illusion. They're ALL incredibly stupid ones.
- Elvis Shortliver -
I blame your hair.
- Simian -
 

Why?!  OH GOD WHY?!
Jenn Dolari
Because it's a Microsoft product?
- Jason -
 

Why did Brandon steal my girlfriend?
Greg
Brandon WAS your girlfriend, but he's finally fixed that.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

THE IRAQUIS ARE COMING!!!!!!!!!! AND THE EVIL DUCKS HAVE JOINED THEIR FORCES, DAMN THE MAN, SAVE THE EMPIRE!!!!!!!!!!
SPARKY(AND JET)
I possess you, Keebler Elf! Now vacate your midwestern cookie sweetshop and end this pathetic deception. I know your hiding Dom DeLuises and frankly, you can keep him.
- Simian -
 

My name is Cafy I am from Belfast, Northern Ireland. I’m a crazy eejit with a cheese fetish Ummmm.. also I go 2 and all girls’ convent school. I wear a VERY blue uniform Its mingin’ (if u don’t no what that means, it means something like disgusting, or horrible) I don’t really no the point of telling you this, just thought u mite be interested, u no? Different cultures and all? Umm, please like me...
Cafy
Ur one of those new generation kids that grew up learning grammar and spelling on cell phones and instant messaging services aren't u?  Little advice: you might want to invest in a dictionary before you enter the real world.
- J@son -
 

Y is life a pain
Asha
Because real people read and write with full words, not sms abbreviations?
- Jason -
 

Please note that I've now got an md degree in addition to my phud. I still love Gilligan. xoxoxox Eusty
Eustacia Vanderberg-Vanderburg, phd, md
Dear Dr. Eustacia Vanderberg-Vanderberg,
We haven't seen that 'dreamy hunk' The Professor in eons. I'm starting to fear the worst. So, seeing as you're the expert on all things Gilligan, then maybe you can explain why all of them, except Gilligan and the Skipper, had a complete wardrobe when it was only a 3-hour cruise.
- Simian -
So THAT'S what happened to Vanderburg! We were pretty sure that you wouldn't make it as the scabby lead singer of a hair band. Good for you!
- Elvis Shortliver -