THIS WEEK
NOTE: All the Kewl Bizarre Links are at: Mr. Lardlumps Links.
 

First off, a vegan is someone who doesn't eat ANY animal products.  no dairy products or anything.  They do this crazy stuff because the cow "did not give it willingly and cannot give it consciously" and all that mumbo jumbo.  so my question is, can a vegan drink a woman's breast milk?  Honestly, why not?  I've decided im going to start a breast milk business and sell it all to vegans!  Think of all the knocked-up teenagers out there who need money to raise their soon to be dysfunctional kids?  Ill be a millionaire! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA... AND HAHAHAH SOME MORE!
Iamgor
Well, either you'll end up with over-priced frappes with a main ingredient of silicon or you may be lucky enough to squeeze out enough milk to actually market it, but what makes you think that it is any more nutritious than cow's milk? I mean, most of the "knocked up teens" nowadays are either bulimic, drug addicts, or full of yucky diseases. Yummy!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Where do cheez eating monsters that tickle me come from?
nice and ez hayseedfarms @ worldnet.att.net
Oh.  Those are the Curd people from Beefaroni 6 near the cotton candy nebula.  Their diet consists mainly of dairy products.   They won't hurt you - they eat cheese, not meat.  Their enemies, the Whey people from Beefaroni 9 might hurt you though.  If you see creatures with large green spots and long fangs, run.
- Jason -
 

Why did I answer my own question?
White Paul thenext1@hotmail.com
Because the magical, fire-eating dwarves outside your kitchen window told you to? Because you thought it would help you at your next parole hearing? Because you're mentally unstable? All of the above? Gee, do I look like Freud? 
- Simian -

I've been wondering... Is it morally wrong to feed seagulls Alka Seltzer (or however the heck that is spelled)? And if it is wrong... is it wrong to the seagulls who explode... or is it wrong to the people it explodes ON?
Bailey Blonde_atheart@webtv.net
Yes, it is wrong, perhaps not morally, but in a humane sense to feed seagulls Alka-Seltzer.  It is wrong to make them explode, and it is wrong to make them explode on others.  OK people, ethics lesson for today:  Please don't feed the animals.  Well, don't feed the animals things that make them go boom anyway.  It's mean, and I'm sure the animal that's getting blown up doesn't appreciate it any more than the people it blows up on.
- Jason -
 

Someone told me Simian had a new computer related job. Can you give me the URL of the web site so I can download her xxx pics ?
Pablo
Whoever that told you was WRONG, screwball! Well, you can still download her XXX pics at http://you'rearealloser.com, got it? Mmm okie dokie artichokie. 
- Pooh -
I'd hate to go to the zoo with you.
- OzzyPedro -
 

Why does everybody think Canada is so good at hockey when we haven't won a championship in years, except for woman's hockey?
scott morgan thisismytire@hotmail.com
I'll let you in on a not-so-little secret there, Scottie my boy. NOBODY thinks Canada is good at hockey. Canada is very good at making statements like that to make people believe that people think such things, but in reality we all see through that thinly veiled charade. Not that we don't like you guys or nuthin' - they make some great ginger ale, and I can get twice as many Canadian nickels for my U.S. ones!
- Elvis Shortliver -

Who's sexier: Eric Clapton or Janet Reno?
Maggie kiwipea@pacbell.net
Well, keeping in mind that I'm a male, I'd have to say:  Eric Clapton.  Hey, I'm not gay, but I'm not blind either.  I think Reno was hit by the "ugly bus".
- Jason -
 

Pourquoi est le francais tellement difficile?  Je veux a pleurer.
Tina admiralbatman@hotmail.com
Ego paravi tuus mater.
- Jason -
Oh French isn't difficult Tina. Comedy, now that is difficult. That and working with all the circus midgets that Elvis hired last week. They're forever bowling each other down the stairs. Oh and having to put up with all those low electrical charges that Jason sends out. All that static electrically makes my fur all puffy then Elvis and Jason stick me to the wall for a couple of hours while the midgets beat each other with frozen waffles. Jeez THAT'S difficult. 
- Simian - 
 

If George Bush is elected president, it will bring a whole new meaning to the name "Whitehouse". Do you think that if he does get elected in, he'll pass a bill that legalizes pot smoking? By the way, that would be two Bills that he had passed, WHAHAHAHAHA! (Please help me! I've been telling some bad jokes lately, much like that last one. Is there something that I could do to help stop the process my mind goes through in order to tell these stupid jokes?)
White Paul
Well, if George W. Bush DOES pass any more bills, they'll probably be rolled up $20 ones with cocaine residue on them - just like all his other ones.
- John -
I would suggest that you stop smoking so much weed, particularly all of those unhealthy dandelions.  Another trick you could use is to stop that process, is to squeeze you temples together tightly until you pass-out.  As for the George Bush thing... wait a minute, I just noticed something. Why am I answering my own question? Am I really going THAT crazy? I think I'll ask this question in the other box off to the left, or is it the right? I'm going CRAZY here!
- White Paul -
Well White Paul, this isn't a joke page, so are you a retard or something, ur stupid, and yes you are going crazy so top sending crap ok?
- scott morgan -
What you need is a better joke. Try this one: So I walk into this bar and the bartender goes, "No! Go back to your OWN country and make your OWN sausage!" 
- Maggie -
You could try putting a piece of lead in your ear (with a gun). This would solve your bad joke dilemma.
- OzzyPedro -
 

I'm a Mom... can I be crabby for Mother's Day and if I am will my family still love me? P.S. I like Birthday's better. Blonde Blonde@wwwjustin.com Hahaha! A mother asking if it's ok to be crabby! Stop it please, Blonde. Next you'll be asking if it's your fault when your kids are "bad." Don't upset the system! - Elvis Shortliver -

OzzyPedro Predicts "[an error occurred while processing this directive], [an error occurred while processing this directive], [an error occurred while processing this directive], [an error occurred while processing this directive], [an error occurred while processing this directive] and [an error occurred while processing this directive] shouldn't be combined with [an error occurred while processing this directive] to make [an error occurred while processing this directive] sandwiches."

Should I have the lamingtons or the pavlova?
OzzyPedro
You should have some whitzelsucht but only if your going to get the blutungzilzle or the gubernaculum. But never mix the natterjack with baroxyton if the other option is the slobgollian. 
- Simian - 
 

And, so.... sitting up here on my roof this fine, stormy day, I was wondering..... how many times should one allow theirselves be hit by lightning before they put down the metal umbrella? I mean, I've been hit about 6 times so far, and my head's really starting to kill me, but that may just be a result of only eating the shingles around me, I don't know. so, please tell me, should I wait until this awful burning smell goes away, or should I put the umbrella down now? And if I put it down, will my computer be okay if it gets wet?
tai tar_frog@hotmail.com
Hey! Get off of my roof! You're screwing up my cable TV!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What's a "#$CENSORED&@"? I'm too embarrassed to ask my mama.
Maggie kiwipea@pacbell.net
I was afraid of that.  Well, don't worry, just throw that one out and I'll only do 5 this week (I've already deleted the other questions and it cost's me a quarter to callup my ISP).  If you'd like, you can make up a story about how I was too drunk to get to the sixth question or that you got me near a boron control rod and I shutdown and you had to restart me but it was too late to get the questions answered or something.  Otherwise, I don't mind if you just throw it out and don't say a thing.  I'll leave it up to you.  Sorry about the confusion with that question.  Talk to you tomorrow.
- Jason -
Haha - - he said "leave it up to me" - silly Jason.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

So I have new shoes on today. Do you like them? I do. But that's not my question. My question is, what ever happened to Nancy Sinatra? Is she still trying to sing?
Slappy
Nancy Sinatra is still trying to get her boots to do some walking. Seems Hollywood believes she possess less talent than, say, a David Hasslehoff (go figure). However you may see her in the new Dukes of Hazard reunion movie. She'll play the part of Uncle Jesse. 
By the way, nice shoes. 
- Simian - 

If the world does happen to end, do you think the Christians will dance in the streets and yell, "I TOLD YOU SO!!!" over and over again as the Prince Of Evil is destroying everything?
Randall Hunt d-t-s@swbell.net
Well, the last time the Prince of Evil came down to destroy the world, did anybody listen to the christians? No! And thank God that they didn't. I don't know about you, but I don't think I would want to live my life in fear of being trampled by a fundamentalist brontosaurus.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Will you go to my web page? (http://www.dork.com/magglez/)
Maggie
BWAAA HA HA HA HA.... I finally figured out who you are Maggie.... so please stop sending me unsolicited E-mails unless you.... "A"... have something other than "oy oy oy" to say or ..... "B".... want to help me figure out how to get this pencil out of my ear.
- Guido -
Only if you go to mine. http://www.give-me-money.com
- OzzyPedro -
Only if you go to mine, and if you sleep with me... http://www.homestead.com/walter_e_haines Oh, by the way, it's not completed yet, so don't get all freaked out if you go to it and see nothing but a big blank page.
- White Paul -
No.
- John -
No.
- FLAGG -
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR PEE-PEE MACHINE!!
- peachcobra -
 

Carnut.
Carnut Carnut15@usa.net
Don't you mean LUGNUT? Please put down that crack pipe, Carnut. 
- Simian -

Why do you put milk on cornflakes instead of cornflakes on milk? 
Stanley Tetley stanleytetley@yahoo.com
Because much like mixing acids with water, if you do it in the wrong order it will blow up in your face.  There's a warning on the side of Corn Flakes boxes, you might want to familiarize yourself with it.
- Jason -
 

Where have all the flowers gone and do bees know?
Dyson Dyson216@yahoo.com
The bees know everything. They see everything too. As a matter of fact, bees report directly to the CIA, so you better watch out as bees don't have any problems getting your gelatinous butt thrown in jail for a federal offense. 
- Simian - 
 

Do you think that I have an anger management problem if I get extremely angry when people do these things?:

• When people point at their wrist when asking for the time.  I know where my watch is buddy, where the heck is yours?!

• People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change it manually.

• People who say, "I'll have my cake and eat it too."  Well what use is a damn cake if you can't eat it?

• People who say, "It's always in the last place you look."  Well of course it is, why the heck would you keep on looking after you've found it?