SEC representative Eileen A. Little would not reveal the source of the allegations but indicated “A person known only by the letters LL had unique knowledge of the antics that took place at Wackyadvice and felt strongly enough to come forward.”  Ima Pansy, spokesperson for Snackwurst stated only that “Snackwurst does not comment on pending investigations.”  Harry Peters, spokesman for Wackyadvice in a rather cryptic statement was quoted as saying “Could you please hand me some ice and that bottle of. . .” at which point, he belched loudly and passed out on the floor.  An attempt to contact WackyAdvice by phone yielded a highly unusual answering machine message of an unknown language and what appears to be a monkey screeching loudly and bottles breaking in the background.

“We intend to pursue this matter to the fullest of the law” Mrs. Little exclaimed moments before being assailed by a flying banana originating from somewhere in the media crowd.  “We will use every resource at our disposal to insure that the American people continue to have faith in their investments, and that those weirdos at WackyAdvice will not be permitted to obtain insider loans at the cost of stockholders.”  After this comment, Mr. Peters briefly sat up and mumbled “Bush did it and nobody put his yarbles in a vice!” before belching loudly and slipping back into unconsciousness.

At press time, no members of WackyAdvice could not be located.
 

Hey Elvis.... sing that hit song of yours.... you know... the one about waffles, and Canada...
Oh, alright... AHEM... AHEM... "I like to go-go-go, up to Can-a-da, and beat up all the coppahs who destroy all my waffles, I like to pound-pound-pound, while they sing Tan-nen-baum, and then I cram-a choc-late waf-fle when they make-a sound"... No, that's not how it goes... AHEM... AHEM... "I like to vis-it Can-a-da to vis-it all my friends, and waf-fles are the best up there and so are all the...  mens" ... wait a minute... I NEVER had a hit song about Canada OR waffles! You tricked me!!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

I think the staff at Wackyadvice need some type of authority figure to help motivate them into making this the best D$%N bad advice site on the net... someone who would force said staff into working regular hours and keeping it that way weekly... someone disciplined... someone who would be responsible for coordinating the layout and timely release of new questions (with the staff answers of course)... this person would also have to be an expert in inefficiency and be able to recognize free thought and exterminate it before it gets out of hand... they would need to allow the staff to stagnate in a pool of their own questions and be forced to provide answers now matter how useless or vulgar... this site could even become known neighborhood-wide given the proper misguidance... the hardest part would be finding someone who had amassed enough disqualifications for the job... so who do you think could possibly fill this most prestigious position?
Sorry we don’t have any more room on the pay roll for some half-witted social leper to stand around and bark fat-ass belligerent orders. Anyway, we already have Mr. Lardlumps. Golly you people want a lot from a free website, don’t you?
- Simian -
 

how do i know if i have jason x disease? what are the simptoms? is there a cure?
Common symptoms at the onset of disease are failure to use capital letters in sentences and frequent misspellings.  As the disease progresses, the victim will develop strong cravings for breaded fried cheese sticks wrapped in bacon and hard liquor.  Eventually, they will begin foaming at the mouth and watching South Park and Simpsons re-runs until they die from heart disease and cirrhosis brought on from the liquor and cheese sticks.
- Jason -
 

How many questions must I ask in order to get an answer???? And how many weeks will that take??
Jeepers, cut us some slack, will ya? All you people ever do is poke us where it hurts! Well, that may not be YOU poking us, but still, NEVER a "Gee thanks for being so funny!" Well, some of you DID say that, but STILL, Ever hear of that saying "Quality, not quantity?"  Well, technically you won't find any quality or quantity applied to this site either, but you didn't have to make me cry! WAAAAH!!!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Guess who's back?  Me!  The Jester!  And I've a question for YOU!  ... Am I dead?
Honestly Jester, how are we supposed to tell if you’re dead? Throw my empty beer cans at you? Coz if you’re anything like that rotting corpse Keith Richards then nothing short of an exorcism will put you back in the ground.
- Simian -
 

Ok...... Who's blood is this on my carpet?
Oh, that's mine, sorry.  Well, it's not exactly mine (technically my blood is sort of a purplish-green), but I'm the one responsible for it.  I called Stanley Steemer, but I guess they haven't paid a visit yet.  Oh, and I wouldn't look under the couch if I were you.
- Jason -
 

101 1010100001 1111001010111 1011 100101010 0010101010 01010101 01001010 0100101010 010101010110101?
- q0dr
Translation: "Boy I wish sexy David Hasslehoff would rub feted goat juice on my scabby sunburn"
Answer: I think David Hasslehoff is in rehab now. But hey, don’t let me stop you from stalking him!
- Simian -
Liberace? Thanks, Ouija!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

If I asked you to poke me in the brain with a sharp stick, what would you say?
Can it be a hot metal stick with a reciprocating poker point?
- Jason -
It started getting weird a little while ago, didn't it? All that poking with sharp objects and things and all the stuff with the hurting. Who knew? Now, take a number and get in line.
- Simian -
 

They don't make 'em like they used to.... you know that saying, so in the future will they look at what we have now and say "it was better than?...." if so I think things would be super crappy.
Well, you know what they say. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. And believe me, I've seen that bush, and you do NOT want to mess with it for only a couple of stinky birds.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

No, Jason, no..... don't you see? Arsony is not the answer!
What the hell is arsony?  Is it like a combination of arson and grand larceny?  Why would I want to burn something I'd just stolen?
- Jason -
 

Why do baboons have red butts? And if we evolved from monkeys, then why don't we have red butts?
Wait a minute - just who are you calling evolved? Look dude, it’s too bad about your red hinder, but I don’t think monkeys had anything to do with it.
- Simian -
 

LOL this was a good one this week... but I think I had a dream about it last week... do you believe in deja vu?
I could have sworn you'd already asked this question?
- Jason -
Yeah, like I'm gonna fall for that one again. Oh, don't tell me, last week you thought this was a good one...but then you thought you had a dream about it the week before? Right, like I'm gonna fall for that one again.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Don't touch me.. JUST STOP IT!
If you kids don't settle down, so help me, I'm going to fly this space ship into the first supernova we come to!
- Jason -
 

Does only being able to afford Ramen Noodles make you poor?
Maybe. Ever tasted human flesh? Now that’s a meal you’ll be wanting to avoid.
- Simian -
 

Your answers seem awfully short this week.... are you three still trying to get back into the swing of things?
Yeah, we're still trying to get back into the swing of things, like when Mr. Lardlumps, who has been seen flushing potatoes down the Snackwurst toilets, and then he plunges them up & goes back to the kitchen where he's working the vegetable pudding vat (Snackwurst & Mr. Lardlumps are a match made in heaven, or the creators of this website's minds for that matter) and then he comes back into the offices where the three of us have been tied & gagged for 14 hours, then tortures us with thorns & soggy soiled underpants (sheesh, don't ask already!), ungags us and suddenly turns as sweet as Mrs. Butterworth, force-feeding us Potato Yogurt. That's when we got back into the swing of things, or maybe this whole answer is really just the writer trying to eloquently (read: endlessly blabbering on and on) impersonate the staff monkey (hehe - calling her a MONKEY will really make her screetch!) while at the same time trying to convince the reader that this answer is in fact the longest answer ever, uhhh... answered, here on "Porfessional Advice!" and is also the most boring-est.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What do a unicycle, a circus bear, and an old man all have in common?
They are all mentioned in your question? You know, I could use an overdose of Valium right about now.
- Simian -
They're all queer? Michael Jackson has one of each? I give up!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What's eating you?
Yeah, I know, I picked up that darn flesh-eating bacteria somewhere.  Don't worry though, eventually that limb will fall off and I'll regenerate a new one.  This happens all the time.
- Jason -
 

Can you think of anything cuter than a mute squirrel?
A squirrel with a peg leg & a colostomy bag?
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

At what point does a dog stop being a "lap dog"?
I think it's either when you stop paying them, or they leave the strip club.
- Jason -
 

Do you like pie?
Trumpy, you can do stupid things! Now give me the gun and get back in the closet.
- Simian -