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Elvis, I just read your rendition of "2001: Space Odessey".  I have 2 questions.  What the hell was that about?  What were you smoking when you came up with that?
Yeah, I never really understood that one either. Apparently it was about a tobacco-chomping entity who refused to be controlled by anyone, especially Bob Saget, until ultimately everything in existence ceased, at least I think. I always get confused with that whole embryo thing too... As for part 2 of your question, I refuse to answer that one on the grounds that it may incriminate me, OR the embryo, again.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Is it legal to buy my own island nation and establish myself as the fascist dictator?  It's my life long dream.
-Kommandant Eisenschmetterling
Well Kommandant, there's no shame in being a barbaric overlord bent on enslaving thousands of poor farmers into fueling your despotic desires. Always remember to keep your pants on in times of stress and watch out for diabolical masterminds.
- Simian -
 

Shouldn't you all still be detained at Camp X-ray?
Technically yes, but after they removed my radiation shielding, they had to rename it "Camp Neutron".  There was also nobody left alive to "detain" us, so we just decided to hang out and drink the General's scotch.
- Jason -
 

Well I figured with yesterday being David Hasselhoff's birthday and all you here at Wackyadvice would have some sort of celebratory event on your site..... after hours and hours of meticulously searching every page available to me on your site, I can't even find a mention of yesterday which is a day that should be recognized as a national holiday due to Hasselhoff's great contributions to society.... so what gives????
Sorry, we were too busy throwing up (our solution to A.A. recovery) to even think about making some theme page about dope. I mean, David Hasselhoff.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

When will you put up more answers to stupid questions?
q0dr
In life, there is no absolute. But vodka, that’s a different story. Now give us your money.
- Simian -
 

WHAT IS THE COOLEST THING EVER?
Liquid nitrogen. Or maybe the dark cold recesses of Mr. Lardlump’s blackened heart.
- Simian -
This HERE is the coolest thing ever! Do you know what it is? Well, it's a star, somewhere DEEEP in space (waay past Pluto, for you "inside-the-Solar-System" science freaks!) that has exploded, and what you're looking at is the top of it (I swear it's the top!) - if you were to look at it straight on, it would look like an enormous DONUT!! Imagine that, a DONUT in outer space! How can that be?!? Go ahead, ask me! Ask me! Coz I know how to get a donut into outer space!
- Elvis Shortliver -
Ummmm, absolute zero?
- Jason -
 

This is Tahmeekah Lahsheekah. I just ate some chicken mcnuggets, and now I feel a little high. I used to talk to Elvis all the time about houses and our hair, but he's not online. Is Jason hot? Is Simian cool? wooooo.
In the literal sense, yes I am hot.  My body temperature exceeds 400 degrees.  From a figurative sense, it depends on whether you consider a short green pudgy guy with a soft squishy belly, antennae and blue eyes "hot".
- Jason -
 

So I'm driving into town with a wild buffalo strapped to my hood, ya know, cuz it looks cool, when all of a sudden he just dissapears! Where did he go? How do I go about getting him back? Does this make me look fat?
Hey guess what’s up in Simian’s kitchen this morning? Are we cooking with napalm? You bet!
- Simian -
 

If man is five and the devil is six, does that make me seven? And why is the sky green?
A SKY? WHERE?!? Wait, are you trying to tell us that you're going to kill Simian T. Marmoset, and that she will stand before & be judged by the son of God at the gates of heaven, and that she is going to PASS & get in?? HAHAHA!!!! Woah, you could get paid a LOT of money if you had a talent like that! Where'd you learn that, from Dionne Warwick?
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Why dose My life suck
Ah you're not a failure or anything. It's just that your ideas are silly and dull. Now don't touch me, I don't know where you've been.
- Simian -
 

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why did they write a song about him?
I'm less concerned about Jimmy cracking corn and more concerned about Jimmy breaking wind.
- Jason -
 

Hey... can I live in that afro?
No.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What's your preferred form of government?
An Agrarian Dictatorship jointly ruled by a 12 position panel composed of various breeds of cattle.
- Jason -
You know, once bread becomes toast, it can never go back. Nope, never. I like toast. But muffins, those darn muffins, it is they that must be stopped!
- Simian -
 

Maybe I am misunderstanding this website... maybe I am in some sort of time loop where I am forced to read the same Wackyadvice questions and answers day in and day out... maybe I have a virus that only allows me to view the same week of Wackyadvice... maybe I have really died and gone to hell and this is my eternal damnation... maybe you three are just choosing to answer the same questions every week because the same questions are being asked every week... maybe subconsciously I visit this site in the hopes that it hasn't changed so that I may rant in the text area designed for the questions... maybe I did, said, implied, or cut something that offended the staff and/or the visitors of this site which then caused them to secretly behind my back change the name of the site and leaving this little page here for me to type my questions as I please all the while not knowing the mailto: is set to nothing that my substantial contribution to this site is destroyed as soon as I switch pages.... so my question is which is it?
Jason made me do it!! He made me wish you to eternal damnation! Oh, how can I go on living with such humility, such shame, while you sit there awaiting a person that possesses the power to wish things to happen who will wish you out of eternal damnation again. Oh, I'm not sure if I can go on.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Oh, look.... we've started answering questions again.... how nice. Well, what's all the fuss about giving pilots guns..... shucks I've carried a gun just about everywhere I've ever gone and I ain't caused no harm......... 'cept when I accidently shot Scout, but that's ok cause a person's got more than one traichea, right? Anyway why don't they just give everyone on the plane their own gun..... I mean I think it would make flights a lot more interesting and the plane rides would make great pay-per-view specials.
-boo radley
Everyone knows that the more you drive the less intelligent you are. And plane rides are like killing your brain cells slowly with a hammer. Hey kids, last one in the plane has to reload the AK-47!
- Simian -
 

Is Hitler really dead or is he hiding out in Argentina?
I hear Hitler is working in the Florida Keys as a transvestite stripper in a cabana show called "Feminazi".  He wears a pink latex outfit with purple leiderhosen, has a huge handlebar mustache, and rainbow colored hair, uh, but you know how unreliable those stories are.
- Jason -
 

I have this CareBear that has been talking to me recently.  He's really very cute and cuddly.  His name is Terror Bear.  The picture on his tummy is of a blood encrusted knife.  He told me that you guys are friends of his... or rather that you used to be friends and that you sold him out when you became big and famous. How could you have been so insensitive? You Judas's you! Excuse me, where's the bathroom?
When have we EVER been known to sell out anyone? Did you ever think that Terror Bear MAY have THOUGHT that he could be a humour columnist when Beefotinio Diarrhoni (President, SnackWurst Food Products, 1997) called him to test along with 3,500 other comedians, dwarves, pixies, elves, midgets, goblins and gnomes all just dying to be working for a FOOD PRODUCT company, and then upon being cut almost IMMEDIATELY for being lewd, distasteful & blasphemous to the judges, decided to seek his ultimate revenge by masquerading around as a tattooed, deranged serial killer teddy bear? Get outta that suit, stoopid gnome!!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What's the best way to steal a guy from his long-time girlfriend?
Get him drunk, throw a pillowcase over his head, beat him unconscious with a truncheon, load him into the back of a van and drive away.  No need to make things complicated.
- Jason -
 

Are you all older than 1,000,000 because I think that you are.
I'm actually a little bit younger than that, coz I got stuck in Jason's tummy when he ate us in order to allow us to travel through time with him. My best guess as to my age is somewhere around 36, but I'm waaay waaay older in dog years.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Does it bite?
Well, it never has before, but watch out for that chainsaw it's carrying.
- Jason -
 

Where's the love?
I'd like to take this opportunity to speak incoherently. Everybody loves a Zamboni!
- Simian -