When I drive the freeway, I often see shoes lying on the freeway -- usually a single shoe. I don't have a clue about how they get there. I can understand fallen mufflers and beer cans on the freeway, but shoes? Do you have an opinion about this?
dr. meow mix
Ah'z doesn't nevah wears them thar shoes. Ah'z kin't seem t'gits em on mah feets. But Ah reckon, Ah done co'd pick em up offa da streets now, kin't I? Shoot. Ah aint nevah thunk o' thet none. Yo' might he'pful, Doc. Much obliged.
- Junebug - 
Y'all lissen hyah. thass why they calls it a free way - but mossly i just git me sum free dinna there. Ever have tenderized dawg?
- Vernon - 
 

Elvis please help me. I don't understand the origin or purpose of Butt pimples. Would you please explain them to me? Also, why is it hot chics in Photographs don't have them but real people do? Thanks....
perplexed
y'all bee puttin unlawful items in yer beehind, boy? Mah Momma sez don't masturbate, don't disrespect yer pearnts, don't put anythin inta yer behind, an' don't queshun the logic behin' pimples. Now go away!
- Vernon - 
Cousin Elvis aint hyar, pereplexed, cuss it all t' tarnation. But ah reckon ah can he'p ta answer yer quesshun right proper. But fust o all, yo' gots t'tell me whut a photograph is. Is thet like whut yo' git on TeeVee?.
- Junebug - 
 

Recently, when I was arrested for drunk driving, the officer beat me with his baton. I tried to explain this to the judge, but he didn't believe me. I know you guys must be experts at dealing with the local law enforcement, so what would you guys do to rectify this situation? I want my license back ASAP!
Swervy
Free food, free rent, free clothes... what year yuens cumplainin 'bout? i spent haff mah life behin' bars an' the utha haffs in prison. Gawd, ah miss th' gang in the joint. Tell 'em 'Gitchy' sez YAW-HEEW!
- Vernon - 
Ah'z don't gots no truck anymar. But mah house gots wheels on it. If'n ya'll wanna do sumtin' bout them thar po-lece, Ah segguest ya'll buy em a heap o' donuts wid sugary glaze on 'em. Them po-lece be right nice if'n ya offer em sweets. Fry mah hide!
- Junebug - 
 

First they take Sparky and Spanky, now Elvis Shortliver and Simian!!! Is there a law against humour? And who the hell do you think you are anyway? Stoopid hicks!
pinko
Ain't nobody dun nuthin' t' harm Cousin Elvis an' thet thar lil monkey. So's don't git yo' panties all bunchedy up, ya hyer?
- Junebug - 
It's folks like yall who give the white bred amurkin people a awful reputation, pinko. yall need ta go an' git yourself a whole stack of holy bibles an' red 'em from a ta z. Then come ovah when y'all ar dun an' teach me ta red.
- Vernon - 
 

Which way do I go to get to the Incas? Please answer, we are lost.
Elvis Shortliver
Lissen hyah, Elvis! Didn't y'all takk that map i gave ya? Aww, there's only wun way ta git there now. Start diggin'.
- Vernon - 
If'n Ah'z knew thet, then Ah sho woodn't be livin' in no tornata zone.
- Junebug - 
 

How come trailers in a trailer park always get totaled by natural disasters?
elli may
Lemme let y'all in on a li'l ol' secret there, elli may, an like'a that. They don't! Those of us who live hyar in th' trailer park don't want no "ci-vi-lyzd" folks ta come in an' tekk up camp wif us, so we just stan' in front of ol' fella MacDougal's trailer (he died 12 years ago) an' we look mighty shocked, cry etc. So far's we keptem out, exceptin' Elvis Shortliver, why we let him stay, I'aint know.
- Vernon - 
Mah trailer been plum whooped t'o times now. Ah gess we'z jist a-tract tornatas like flies dun gits a-tracted to all them deed critters on'a side o'da road. It jist dun be nature's way, Ah gess. 
- Junebug - 
 

My sister knocked out my front teeth after we were fighting. I'm really mad at her. how do I get back at her? Shave her head when she's asleep?
bucky
Ah just knock ma brutha on th haid, pull out sum o'his teeth an' then stickem inta ma tooth holes wheneva he duz it ta me.
- Vernon - 
Ya'll don't wanna do nuthin' t' yer sistah, dag nab it boy. Yo' ma'be hitched t' her sum day an' yo' don't wants no baldy head w'man prancin' 'round yo' front lawn chasin' way yo' huntin' dogs. Ya hyer?
- Junebug - 
 

Can you bathe with sand? How about motor oil?
stinkpig
Sand dun make a real proper cleanin'. Ya'll wanna make sho yo' don't gits none in yo' i'zs when yo' is rubbin' it in yer harr.
- Junebug - 
Y'all lissen hyah. Don't be puttin no mowtah oil on yer skin there Stinkpig. Instid, try sum gas-o-leen stuff there or if y'all ar neer a pawnd, tekk sum of that gas-o-leen, pour it in there an' jump on in. But don't smoke, it burns.
- Vernon - 
 

What's the difference between apples and oranges?
janeabeth
Ah don't eets app'ls. They dun b' t'o diff-e-colt t' eets. Ah'z o'ly gots me 'bout tin teef.
- Junebug - 
Mah Momma sez that apples give y'all wurms so's we never gots ta use 'em the way otha folks did, but Ah suspekt that th' diffence is that wun apple placed in a ded rodents hed wood tayk away from th' flayva ov th' meat, where an orange wood add flayva.
- Vernon -