Elvis Shortliver (absent)

Simian T. Marmoset (tardy)

Jason X (regenerating)

THIS WEEK

Advice for all should be free! I will now beat the starfish with my nazi whip! Whipah! Die sea creature! 
Shmiley 
I am not sure what you are getting at Shmiley. The advice here is free.  Jason, Elvis and Simian have been more than kind to provide this as a free service even though they are all trying to save up enough money for a trip to the Cook islands where they can live in houses made out of seaweed and stare at the beautiful tribes women.  So why don't you put down the whip, let the starfish go, turn of the Nitrous Oxide flow into your room and have the nurse add some more Morphine to that cute little bag.
- Guido -
Close but you still haven't beaten my record number of questions for a one week span LOLOLOL
- FLAGG -
This is what happens when you eat those round white things you find in public urinals.
- Wild Bill -
Dagnabit Jason! Why did you have to inject me with super-fun-happy-serum?! I don't even remember writing this and I'm stuck in a 12 step program in Las Vegas!
- Shmiley -
 

Where do babies come from? 
Shmiley 
Babie which?? Babie Barnacles eminated from a small orifice on the reverse side of No-Name Baked Bean cans, only visible to naked eyes equipped wif specktacles.  however, to be a little more specific in your species would be helpful.
- in_vitro_Consultant -
Ever heard the squeeky bed-spring?
- Guido -
From human mothers, but don't get confused, you came from a cow.
- White Paul -
 

If wacky advice has an "I Hate Mimes Club" Then why is elvis's hair grey and Jason's skin green? 
Shmiley 
Elvis' hair was not always grey, it just turned that color once he published this web site and started getting stupid qiestions from people like you.
- White Paul -
ALL I CAN SAY IS - "KNOW THY ENEMY!" "GREY HAIR AND GREEN SKIN DO NOT A MIME MAKE" FOR IT IS WRITTEN.
Seriously though, how can an individual appreciate the true horror of mimes without experiencing a little grease paint freakdom. However, I urge extreme caution. Elvis and Jason are truely exceptional and highly trained individuals. Kids, please don't try this at home.
- DOC SAVAGE [SCOURGE OF MIMES] -
What does grey hair and green skin have to do with mimes??????????.................... stil not close
- FLAGG -
 

Okay, here's the deal: I captured this bug that's at least 3 inches long.  I kept it in a jar without air holes for 4 days, and it wouldn't die.  It looked thirsty, so I gave it water. It died.  Can you tell me what on earth that bug was? 
Wild Bill 
Hmmm.  Sounds like the bug I had once.  I kept it in a jar without air holes for 4 days too. Only it died WITHOUT me giving it water. Therefore, we can't be the same person!
- Wild Bill -
My god you killed my uncle! He was just like a uncle to me!!! Damn you!!!
- Shmiley -
Pat Buchanon.
- Bobo The Hobo -
 
 

How do you be cute and spontaneous? I've been walking up to people on the street, smacking them, then grinning like an idiot. Instead of getting my desired results of people saying, "How cute and spontaneous!" I have a ruptured spleen and an oxygen mask. What am I doing wrong? HELP ME!!!  Shmiley  Well, it's too late now. I made the mistake of smacking a old lady. She looked harmless like a mole, but she pounced like a lion! Uhh! stupid body cast. - Shmiley -

I'm STILL Australian.

A friend of mine rented a video on "Atheists in America" from the library for research, but in the case was a video of Sister Clarita and Father O'Malley engaging in ungodly activities on the altar in the church and she gouged her eyes out in my room. How do I deal with my friend's damage, and how should I bring this video to the parish's attention? 
Diamond Dog 
I have certain...experience with such videos. I am disqualified from offering advice on this one.
- WIld Bill -
I recommend you send them to sunny Jamaica, where every other thing is you touch is poisonous, and the beautiful coral reef cuts the dickens out of your feet.
- Shmiley -
Just, uh, send it to me and I'll, ahem, take care of it.
- White Paul -
 

Himilayian Monks are supposed to have the strictest physical and mental state. So why is it that if you drop a rubber squeaky rat on them while they sleep, they wake up crying? (Yeah, I know, I've got too much free time.) 
Shmiley 
And why do I have to go to the bathroom every time I see a waterfall.....HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW.
- Guido -
Because when they wake up you're standing there beside them, and who would want to wake up to a nazi?
- White Paul -
That's nothing!  I once got a mime to make noise after punching him in the gut with brass knucks! Try it!  It's fun!
- Wild Bill -
 

How can I make my super soaker water pistol into a weapon of mass destruction? 
Charles (NOT Chuck or Charlie!!!) 
Put the super soaker in the back seat of an 88 Chevy Beretta. Take a long piece of electrical wiring. Wrap the wire around the coil in the engine. Run the remaining length of the wire to the gas tank. Place the end of the wire. DO NOT START THE CAR YOURSELF!!! Push it in front of the nearest gas station. complain that there is a problem with the transmission. Hand the keys to the slimeball mechanic, and move as quickly as you can from the station. Cook some popcorn and watch the next three city blocks get destroyed. For an added touch, bring some marshmalllows to the fire.
- CarNut -
In order for any super-soaker to become an ultimate weapon, you must first send it through the Dimension of Incredibly Bad Things.  A portal to which can be built using the following items: 1) a small square magnet, 2) 400 square feet of plywood, 3) two Extra-Strength Tylenol Caplets, 4) a cancelled check made out to Ralph Nader, and 5) any Garth Brooks CD.  Assemble all the items in a common ordinary grocery cart and, while holding the Super Soaker in your right hand, stand in the middle of your nearest mall parking lot and shout "WHO ELSE LOVES LEONARD NIMOY?"  I guarantee you'll be conquering the entire world within hours!
- Wild Bill (NOT Maniac William or Fiery Willy) -
Ok Chuck, two words..... Doodle bug..... HA HA HAHAHAHA HA HAHA HAH A HAHAHAHA!!! Doodle bug! I Am so funny!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
- Spooky -
 

If dreams are not real, then why do we have them? 
Stan 
If we all went back on our meds the dreams wouldn't come.
- Looney and his what -
How do you know we have them if they aren't real? Ah-HA!  Not so good when it's YOU being asked these questions, huh?
- Wild Bill -
Ya know, some people tell me the people I have conversations on the sidewalk don't exists, but I just deal with them by stuffing them in my shopping cart and taking their money and stuff. Try it, and let me know if you get good results.
- Bobo The Hobo -
Just so that woman will have a routine come-back to me when I ask them if they'd go out with me.
- White Paul -
 

I need some help with my wart. I can't tell you on here as it is private and I am very uncomfortable with it. Can you just make it go away? 
Esther Anonymous 
Slap a pancake on it and hand Elvis a fork. That wart will vanish before you know it!
- Wild Bill -
The highest evolved bioplasm for the eradication of the common wart, no matter what it's location or application, or for that matter host benefactor, would be the application of an Elk, wild in preference - as they carry the greatest number of anti-spore within their antlers.  Apply the elk with a firm Markee or paulie (my ex) if Markees are not available at your local chemist and leave in place for 24 hours.  This method has been tested successfully on Hallibutts of many shapes and sexes.  It is also guaranteed by our research department on Esthers.
- Dr_Fungus -
No
- Bobo The Hobo -