THIS
WEEK
Err, well,
it's not so much a WEEK as it is an edition,
but we've
always written THIS WEEK here so it's
hardly worth
the money to have it changed now.
Elton John is living in my
mailbox. This has been going on for sometime now, and shows no sign of
stopping. It first came to my attention when I noticed that my mail was
apharantly singing "Candle in the Wind." I ignored it hoping it would go
away, but into the third verse of "Rocket Man" I couldn't take it any more.
I tried almost method of extracting the dredful diva from my mailbox, but
to no avail. I wanted to know if there is any way to get this man out.
And what should I do with him once he is removed?
Yeah
right! - And someone saved my life tonight, Sugar Bear! You nearly had
me roped and tied, but butterflies are FREE to fly. Fly away, bye bye!
Ooooooooooooo Oooooooooo... <COUGH!> <HACK!>
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Why do we ask YOU these questions?
Why
indeed. Let's face it kids, comedy is a dead art form. Now tragedy - that's
humor!
- Simian
-
I forgot to put my signature
on my last two questions. How stupid would I have to be to forget to do
it three times in a row?
According
to my calculations, your stupidity factor is 42.875 on the Quayle scale.
That scale by the way runs from 0 (least stupid) to 100 (most stupid).
- Jason
-
I FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT!!!
The Dukes of Hazzard are actually a thinly veiled Christ metaphor!
Was not Jesus "just a good ol' boy, never meaning no harm", yet constantly
in trouble with the law? Is Boss Hogg not obviously a portrayal of
the Beast, his huge gut and corrupt ways speaking of his service to the
Evil One? And the moonshining; a subtle reference to the famous miracle
of turning water into wine! The General Lee was in fact a series of cars,
with a new one replacing the old when it was inevitably trashed during
filming; obviously this represents the death and resurrection. Waylon
Jenning's voice-overs were of course the voice of God; their omniscient
view of the story proves the identity of the speaker. Certainly Daisy
Duke could only be the gift of a generous God to all the boys watching.
And let's face it, only immaculate conception can explain how there were
so many Duke cousins when we never see any parents hanging around to give
birth to them. The only question remaining is why isn't this show broadcasted
on EWTN? That nun with the jaunty eyepatch needs to spread the word
of these two boys.
Hey,
what's worse than watching an episode of The Dukes Of Hazzard? Answer:
thinking that there's more to it than a bad TV show about stoopid rednecks!
You do present a very good argument for Daisy Duke's role, though. Hey,
I'll give you credit for that.
- Elvis
Shortliver -
 I
know it's shiny, but does that make it fun?
Only
if it also has a sharp, serrated edge and cuts entrails like soft butter.
- Simian
-
Why do people have the irresistable
urge to call me dingo?
I'll
start with the obvious. Are you in fact a dingo?
- Jason
-
Has Russia REALLY gone democracy
or are they just hiding the fact that they are still communist?
Hahaha!
The visitor thinks there's a difference between Communism & Democracy!
Hahaha!!
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Would you describe yourself
as: A)funky B)fresh C)other ?
Hey
I don’t see any ‘minty’ option here! What is this - a trick question?
- Simian
-
I'm
about as "other" as one can get.
- Jason
-
Who's cooler: Shaft, Mr.
T, or the Blues Brothers?
All
of them are running approximately 98.6 degrees, however Mr. T is a bit
hotter, and I'm not about to single HIM out. Hey, I know when to stop.
- Elvis
Shortliver -
The
Blues Brothers giving Mr. T the shaft.
- Jason
-
When was the last time the
giant pants of oblivion spontainiously combusted like a thousand decrepit
lawnmowers?
At first
I was going to ask why this visitor had a burning lawnmower in his trousers,
but then the Jim Beam and Triple Sec kicked in and I no longer cared.
- Simian
-
 Why
do we ask YOU these questions?
Alpha
Delta 4 to Base. Alpha Delta 4 to Base. We have a code Red in sector 27.
I repeat, THE BARKING DOG SLEEPS SILENTLY UNDER THE BRIDGE. SILENTLY, I
SAID!!!!
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Where's the booze?
In the
fridge, under my recliner, behind the TV, under Simian (she's unconscious
right now so you'll just have to roll her off it), stashed on board my
spaceship, and I think we have some hidden in Elvis' hair.
- Jason
-
Are
you kidding? Crumbs, try looking in the bookcase, the fridge, the wet bar,
behind the CD rack, and under the sofa cushions – oh and while your there
if you’re hungry help yourself to those savory cheese puffs stuck to the
genuine pleather. Sure they’re from last year, but they should still be
good.
- Simian
-
I've fallen and I can't get
up! Where's the beef? Have it your way! Plop-plop-fizz-fizz, oh, what a
relief it is. Where would you like to go today?
- q0dr
You
are the weakest link. Goodbye.
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Can I have a hug from Snaggletooth?
or prehaps his mum?, and where's the love for David Hasselhoff come from?
Magic G
That
zesty, aromatic mix of Brute aftershave, chalk dust and canned ham can
only come from none other than David Hasslehoff. I’m sure you can get a
hug from him, seeing as he’s in rehab and all.
- Simian
-
 How
do I get a guy to notice me?
Do you
have an aversion to nudity?
- Jason
-
Oh god........ my wife just
asked me "Do I look fat in this?" What do I do?
Lie!
Duh!
- Elvis
Shortlier (hmm, is that a slip?) -
Respond:
"As opposed to out of it?"
- Jason
-
I have read all of your archives,
and feel dumber for it, so much dumber that I forgot to not mention potatoes,
and ask Simian out on a double date with Jason. My real question is, Why?
Why? Why? Did he have to do that with that thing? It hurt me so much and
then he was gone, into the night like Batman on acid mmmmmm acid.........
hehehe the tree tell me to burn things.....
Insane G
This
question has nothing to do with pancakes, either. I think the corpse of
Ted Williams has a lot of explaining to do.
- Simian
-
What's going on with your
system? It used to be every week, now it seems like every month!
You all got too lazy. I'll bet its cuz you're all over weight drug
addicts. Damn you, Americans With Disabilities Act!!!
Damn,
well I guess you've got us all figured out then... I'll just go back to
my recliner & watch VH1 Classic. Or even better: The Travel Channel!
- Elvis
Shortliver -
I'm changing me name from
James Lipton to Hartford Babblesnaps......... what is your favorite curse
word?
Last
call.
- Simian
-
Ooooh, a button! Should I
push it?
I guess
by this point, it's a rhetorical question.
- Jason
- |