1 - CIA doesn't stand for Continually Imbuing Alcohol.
2 - Sean Connery is Scottish.
3 - Never wear a wrist watch that's bigger than your head.
4 - Martinis really should be stirred not shaken.
5 - In some countries, 'monkey' is the other white meat.

Why am I not there, but rather here?
Pinky Winky
What are you talking about? You ARE there! WE'RE over here!!
- Elvis Shortliver -
Hey, we've all got to be someplace.  It's usually not the place we'd most prefer to be either.  I for instance would rather be sitting on a beach drinking a beer in Tahiti enjoying a female topless volleyball game than doing my typical daily grind, but if I WERE in Tahiti doing all that, I'd probably wish I was somewhere else.
- Jason -
This question is making me itchy.
- Simian -
 

Why am I so awesome?
Mr. Chips
You can't just declare that you're awesome & actually become awesome, Mr. Chips. You actually have to do something that deems you the title. Usually the criteria involves you doing something that benefits another person, AKA martyrdom, but I don't want you to confuse the word martyr as meaning that you strap firecrackers all over your body & walk into a heavily populated place with a lit match. I tried it - it doesn't work.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Strangely, a feeling of superiority is often exhibited by people with delusional scizophrenia.  The sufferer may also feel that the government is after his tex-mex chili recipe and that his cat is really a highly intelligent alien life form intent on killing him.  With the correct medicine, such an illness is highly treatable.
- Jason -
 

Elvis sure likes burning pants. Is there some hidden meaning?
Charlie
Yes.
- Simian -
Hey Charlie, what has 2 arms, 2 legs, & is standing there with his pants on fire!
Answer: Charlie!
- Elvis Shortliver -
Yes.  A severe flatulence problem coupled with a pyromaniacal disorder.
- Jason -
 

If seven ardvarks and three pigs mate how many duck would there be?
Doc
Enough to be bigger than a breadbox.
- Simian -
I guess that all depends on how much ducks are interested in watching ardvarks and pigs mate.  I didn't realize this kind of behavior was a spectator sport for fowl.
- Jason -
Just you, Doc. Just you.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What is the meaning of life? And why is it you can stand in an alley for hours without anybody going past but as soon as you need to pee they're right there annoying you !
And I'm a poof
Dobby
That's a strange phenomenon I refer to as the time continuum maximum non-coolness shifting constant. It's basically an concept that assures that at any given time, we are some degree out of sync with the rest of the world in terms of what makes us appear cool.  I'm WAY out of sync there.  See, this constant determines how often you do something cool in  the presence of several others.  In my case, usually the only time I ever accidentally do anything really cool is when nobody is around.  Conversely, EVERY time I do something stupid, I have an audience.  This means my TCMNCCSC (that's my time continuum maximum, well you know) is 180 which means I'm 180 degrees out of phase with everyone in terms of being observed doing something cool.  Hopefully this clarifies your question.
- Jason -
Normally, and by 'normally' I mean when I'm in a drunken stupor, I can make it into the Little Monkey's Room without a problem, but sometimes, I like to pee in Jason's shoes. Shhh! Don't tell him.
- Simian -
 

See, there's this girl, who I like and I think she likes me, but I dont know if she 'like' likes me and I dont know how to ask her. I was thinking about asking her on a date but I'm scared and she has a restraining order and I dont know what to do. CAN YOU HELP ME?
dr. me
Is That YOU, Honey??
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Miss me?
Whinny Hopalong
Yes, just like a gaping chest wound.
- Simian -
 

My mate stano has written a poppin fresh bible in his scholl exersise book. Do you know him?
Faggster
Scholl exercise book?  Is this some form of exercise endorsed by Dr. Scholl the foot dude?  I presume it must be some type of foot exercise?
- Jason -
 

Well, now that America has taken over Iraq, what next?
boo radley
Well my usual answer would be France, but that's the easy target isn't it? I think the next step is having a huge cookout on Ariel Sharon's big fat head.
- Simian -
Shut up & start drilling! We're not paying you for your political side-cracks!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Well... now that I'm much more cheerful, I think I should change my name. ^_^ What do you think it should be?
Mistress of Darkness
Mistress of Topless?
- Jason -
 

I am the funk phenomena. See me funk my brains out. Will you funk your brains out with me?
Carnutzzz
Really smart there, Carnut. We know that you thought the censors would let this one slip by, but your "pun"-ish cursing will not fool us into answering this one so that your mock swear words make you look intelligent. Nope, it won't happen.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Um, you go ahead and get started, and if you don't hurt yourself, I might join you in this funking stuff.
- Jason -
I thought I smelled something gone funky.
- Simian -
 

A man and I are deeply in love, but he's years older than me, and because I am only 14, everyone says that he's too old for me. What should I do?
Mistress of Darkness
Can you do the macarena?
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

My biggest problem right now is those damn news reporters, mostly the brittish ones, keep pronouncing my name: Sa-"damn"...this war doesn't concern me, I have a good feeling about how it will end (victory for me of course :-) ), but hey why the "damn?"
Saddam
I'll be damned if I know.
- Simian -
 

Quick hand me a wrench will you?
fizzzz
You want the time-frequency domain chronotizing converter wrench, the oscillating fuel rod tuning wrench, or do you want this Craftsman 3/8" cresecent wrench here?
- Jason -
And as the King of Lego Village is bashed into a flat piece of plastic, fizzzz becomes the new ruler of the kingdom & renames it "Flat Plastic Anger Management Town" - population one.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

If we all drove a Toyota Prius or a simular car, would we have felt a need to disloge Saddam from the oil fields? Hmmm...I know! Why don't we invade Texas! They got all the oil over there!
No more monkey buisness!
Invade Texas, now there's a novel idea. We can carpet bomb them into submission before we go in and beat them with their own 10 gallon hats and cowboy boots. Remember kids; if it weren’t for Texas we wouldn’t have that atrocity known as Line Dancing. Therefore Texas is evil and must be considered a terrorist state.
- Simian -
 

WHATS UP DAWG!?!?!?!?!
llarson
I'm not being rude, but that was quite possibly the worst performance I've ever seen.  Seriously, you will never make it in this business.  Paula what do you think?
- Jason -
 

Are all of your graphics made on Paint from windows 3.0 and if so, how would I credit that on my AP Studio Art portifolio?
DiamondDog
Hey Diamond Dog! Look out!

- Elvis Shortliver
 

If this is not my beautiful house then who's is it?
Franky Stones
Oh that one?  That house is owned by one of those pricks who sends spam out to everyone and their mother.  Yeah, it seems spammers can earn a lot of money at their unethical trades, but that's about to change.  I hear there's legislation proposed to enact the death penalty for anyone caught spamming.  If you agree, contact your legislator.
NOTE:  JASON WAS MERELY JOKING.  IT IS NOT ADVISED TO CONTACT YOUR LEGISLATOR AND START TALKING ABOUT KILLING PEOPLE.  IT MAY BE MISUNDERSTOOD AND YOU COULD BE INCARCERATED--OR WORSE!
- Jason -
That nice old couple that you just buried under the porch? That's just a guess on my part.
- Simian -
 

Did Bush really need to fly that military plane out to that aircraft carrier? Or does he just like wearing a green jumpsuit?
Charlie
Gee, do ya think he's compensating for something?
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What ever happened to Kit the talking car? And the Love Bug, number 51? Isnt the Batmobile a Chrysler? What did Mr. Rodgers drive? An earth friendly car? Or a big Hummer. Did he pump his own gas? Did Chitty Chitty Bang Bang eat marshmellows? What happened to the car in "Back to the Future"?. I look on EBay all the time for those cars to go up on auction.
Noe Hassel Hoff ESQ.
And here we have a perfect example of Obsessive/Compulsive behavior. Remember kids, mental illness is for the insane. Or the feeble, take your pick.
- Simian -
Kit and Herbie the Love Bug were sold for scrap.  The buyer then took parts of them and joined them back together to create Kit the indestructible Stud Bug.  According to my sources, Mr. Rogers drove a 1974 avacado green AMC Gremlin.  It wasn't particularly fashionable, but it did it's job and served as a great conversation piece at parties.  The original Batmobile was built by Chrysler, but after the first movie and 32 breakdowns, the producers contracted with Toyota to build a new one.  That one was used in the later movies and was eventually sold.  I have heard it currently has over 225,000 miles on it and is being driven by a 72 year old grandmother in Utah named Velma Hayes.  She only drives it to the grocery on wednesdays.
- Jason -
 

What kind of beer was cat in the hat drinking?
bob
I dunno, but I know what he was munchin' on! That's right, PretZelos! What a great start in the morning, a bowl of SnackWurst PretZelos and milk! Woo hoo! Available in Garlic, Curry, or Zesty Original Flavour! I like the Zesty original! Heat them up in the toaster, put them in a bowl & add milk & kosher salt! The big chunks of kosher rock salt that slowly dissolve really taste great in milk. Yum! I like doing all that extra work to feed myself in the morning! Who just wants to pour and eat? Not me! I have time to spare as I kill my taste buds with the crunchy goodness of PretZelos! Sealed in protective plastic packaging. If it's tampered with, it's no good! Kids will love this cereal, which is fortified with 3 essential addictives. Try NEW Honey Mustard & Onion PretZelos, with mini marshmallows in the shape of communism symbols! Free inside, an Aryan armband!
- Elvis Shortliver -
The kind that makes you drunk! Duh! Why else would he be wearing such a stupid hat?
- Simian -
 

Hey! I was thinking about the space shuttle blowing up a couple of months ago. How come Jason didn't use his Gamma 14 spray & meld the time space continuum so we could fold time back & stop it from happening? Even Superman could have done that! Well, if he wasn't in a wheelchair. OK, goodbye :o)
Puddles
Elvis knocked my Gamma 14 generator over last week and damaged it.  It didn't help that the monkey then came along and peed on it when we weren't watching.  If I can ever get it working again, I'll fix that whole shuttle ordeal, but monkey urine is very pervasive and extremely difficult to remove.
- Jason -
 

How do I get my ten cents worth?
big bird
Uh, pay ten cents? Wait, can you count that high? Better question: can I?
- Simian -
Give them to me & I'll show you.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say ::SNAP:: 
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jenn Dolari
And that visitors is why we don't park running lawnmowers under trees we plan on climbing in.
- Jason -
 

How come my roommate is such a slob? How can I get him to clean up after his lazy self?
fletcher j milk
Dress up in a Barney the Purple Dinosaur costume then go into his room carrying a bunch of oranges wrapped in a towel. Sing him the "I Love You, You Love Me." song then beat him senseless. Once he's unconscious, change back into your regular clothes, dose him with water to awaken him, then tell him you find him very, very attractive. This won't get him to clean up after himself, but since you'll be getting a new roommate really soon that won't be a problem.
- Simian -
HAHAHAHAHA!! Fletcher J Milk!! HAHAHAHAHA!!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What have you done to protect yourselves from the SARS virus?
DiamondDog
Nothing.  The SARS virus can't survive in an alien whose body temperature exceeds 400 degrees on a regular basis.
- Jason -
Bask in the glow of splee.
- Simian -
 

So, when are we gonna start that band?
dr me
Sorry Dude. We don't need another bottlecap whistler.
- Elvis Shortliver -