1. Clothing should be worn on the outside, since it hampers digestion. 
2. When sailing, it is always best when the word 'BOOM' is spoken, to duck. This habit can be applied in the work place as well.
3. Never let Uncle Larry near the grill at the family cookout; aside from the hambugers being burnt on the outside and raw on the inside, he will drink all the lighter fluid.
4. Martinis are best made with gin.
5. Hotdogs contain no real meat.
6. Sunblock is for external use only. If you feel that your kidneys will burn due to sun exposure, maybe you should say inside. Forever.

I sometimes hear advertisements recommending Gold Bond Powder for alleviating the "male itch" and the "female itch." Since I am learning the facts of life, can you instruct me in telling the difference between "male itch" and "female itch." And how do I determine which one I have?
Dr. Meow Mix
Dear Dr. Meow Mix,
Are you itchy right now? Because you're starting to make my skin crawl. 
- Simian - 
Being itchy simply means that you are possessed by the devil. I had this problem throughout my childhood. The only cure is to have your Momma beat you until it stops itching. Then cover yourself with hot tar until Lent.
- Elvis Shortliver - 
 

There's this lady on the radio that touches herself when she thinks about me. Do I have a stalker? Should I get a thing that makes her stay away from me (I forgot what they call them)?
Johnny park
Nah, that's just my next door neighbor, Mr. Lardlumps. He is always playin' around on his CB radio tryin' to pick up truckers for his ex-wife.
- Elvis Shortliver - 
Dear Johnny,
The best thing to do to keep away a potential stalker is douse yourself in mayonaise and sing the complete score from that stellar movie, Ishtar. Heck, that'll keep nearly everyone away. 
- Simian - 
 

Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego...?
Chazz
Under my porch. And she keeps asking for you.
- Simian - 
With Tinkerbell & Barney, the purple horror, forming a religious cult in a town near you.
- Elvis Shortliver - 
 

Can I really fly if I close my eyes and think that I'm flying?
Bronto
Only if you join a religious cult (see above question).
- Elvis Shortliver - 
Dear Bronto, 
Is there any particular reason as to why you are tormenting us so?
- Simian - 
 

Have you ever had a date?
Blonde
Nope. Most of my dates are too intimidated by my grooviness and must leave before anyone has anything, most often after dinner but before the check arrives.
- Elvis Shortliver - 
I prefer raisins, but dates are okay. A monkey will pretty much eat anything.
- Simian - 
 

Elvis, how many languages do you speak?
marcie
I don't really speak ANY languages, marcie. I just make lots of silly noises that sound like a language. People usually understand what I am asking and tell me where to go.
- Elvis Shortliver - 
Not that you asked ME , but after all those electric shock treatments at the research labs, I can speak in tongues.
- Simian - 
 

Two things:
Can I see a picture of your wife? And second, please come and review http://www.ebolamusic.com/ and make it a pick of the week on your website.
egoplum@ebolamusic.com
It was very nice of you to tell me what to do. However, you SCARE me and i must decline. Anyway, how do you take a picture of an imaginary friend?
- Elvis Shortliver - 
This monkey has no wife. Of course that may have something to do with me being female and all... Did you have a REAL question for us? 
- Simian - 
 

Yo Elvis, If you were to get your girlfriend a guitar, what brand name did (I mean) would you choose?? There are so many.
Saladin
I once sold my guitar to someone who sold my guitar to someone who tormented me so bad I cried. However, I suggest a 1952 Oswald Honker, played exclusively by my favorite band, the 1952 Oswald Honkers.
- Elvis Shortliver - 
I never had a guitar. But I have a goldfish. Will you be my friend?
- Snaggletooth - 
 

Is there really a Chef Boy-R-Dee? Is he Sicilian?
protozoa
I don't know. However, too many Spaggetti-O's will make most people think that they are Sicilian.
- Simian - 
Not sure, but there is a man down the street from me named Captain Boy-M-I-Portugese. He is not Sicilian.
- Elvis Shortliver - 
 

Elvis and Simian, My mom says that there is something wrong with you guys. Is she right?
Jack
Okay, okay! As a monkey I may lack some, er, social 'graces'. But you know, I do have one heck of a throwing arm and I'm not afraid to use it.
- Simian - 
You must be my brother.
- Elvis Shortliver - 
 

Do you really have to break some eggs to make an omlette? What about the 'fake' egg stuff?
Chirpy
Elvis Shortliver's recipe for non-egg omlettes:

1. preheat oven to 250 degrees.
2. mix 1/2 pound of butter, 2 tablespoons of vinegar, and 1/4 cup of 93% lean ground beef.
3. scoop tablespoons of mixture and drop onto a non greased cookie sheet.
4. cook for 3 min.
5. eat while hot.

SHORTLIVER: what the heck did you do?? you quit yer job?
Baby Bear: yup, didn't want to do it anymore . . . felt i could learn more by going to school
SHORTLIVER: you can survive w/out the income for a bit?
Baby Bear: yup
SHORTLIVER: and still send me my weekly fee?
Baby Bear: well, due to recent budget cuts in operations, several suppliers will loose their contracts . . . stay tuned for more information
SHORTLIVER: that's it i am kicking you off the page!
Baby Bear: i didn't know i was on the page
SHORTLIVER: doesnt matter i will kick you off anyway
Baby Bear: why
SHORTLIVER: coz i can
Baby Bear: aren't we a little power hungry
SHORTLIVER: now i really am gonna kick you off the page
SHORTLIVER: **PUNT**
Baby Bear: you would think i would care . . . but since i never knew i was on the page . .. it doesn't matter
SHORTLIVER: **PUNT - PUNT**
SHORTLIVER: i dont care if you care or not i am having fun kicking you off the page
Baby Bear: good . . . now i can go back into politics
SHORTLIVER: PUNT!
Baby Bear: your having too much fun pretending to kick me off your page
SHORTLIVER: I AM NOT PRETENDING! I AM ELVIS SHORTLIVER!!
SHORTLIVER: PUNT PUNT PUNT PUNT PUNT PUNT
Baby Bear: since i didn't know i was on the page and still don't know that i was on the page . . . your saying you're kicking me off . . . doesn't mean that i was ever on the page
SHORTLIVER: DON'T PATRONIZE ME! I WILL PUNT YOU AGAIN!!
Baby Bear: don't you see . . . if i was never on the page . . . you can't punt me
Baby Bear: you can't kick somebody off a team that was never on it to begin with
SHORTLIVER: UMM, Ya wanna be on my page?