Elvis Shortliver

Simian T. Marmoset

Jason X

Well, we're getting closer to election time now, and recent Gallup Polls indicate that Gore and Bush are running neck and neck at 49% each.  Jason is staggering out of the gate with an astounding 1% of voters who favor him over Ross Perot.  The people at the polls tell us -- out of sheer compassion -- they gave Jason the margin of error percentage just so he'd have some number to keep him from just giving up and taking over the world with his advanced technology.  This of course doesn't fully represent all interested parties as the large penguin populations in Antarctica were never polled and we are told they favor Jason 9 to 1 over the other candidates.  Assuming 84% of all eligible voting penguins do actually vote, we believe Jason has a strong chance of winning the race.  Unfortunately, Penguins usually have a notoriously low voter turnout because very few of them actually hold American citizenship, they're usually too short to reach the voting levers, and they have a hard time pulling the voting levers with their little flippers.  Nevertheless, we are confident that our readers will tell their friends and families to Vote Non-Human!  Vote Jason!  For a better nation and eventually a better world when we purchase or conquer the other countries!  Also, if any of you know how to speak Swahili, Creole, or Tahitian, we need you to reach our foreign speaking eligible voters.

Since I'm a rapper, you should know (or just assume) that I have robbed a bank recently, and I'm trying to think up some way of disguising myself. I thoughT about traveling incognito as a sane person, but I just wasn't quite sure if I could pull it off. Therefore I have decided that I will dress up like Jennifer Lopez and show off my blinding-white stomach, no one will dare to look so no one should recognize me, right? Does the theory fit the equation?
White Paul thenext1@hotmail.com
Dressing up as Jennifer Lopez's stomach sure is a great idea, White Paul, except you ARE WHITE, so I'm guessing it'd just be a matter of time before some drunken hoo-hah starts hitting on you & figures out your disguise. I'd suggest (staying within the music theme - err ... is rap actually music, anyway??) that you disguise yourself as 70's folk icon Mac Davis. You won't get any chicks or nuthin' but hey, you'd be Mac Davis!
- Elvis Shortliver - 
Can you get Jennifer Lopez to campaign for me naked?  She wouldn't have to do it in public, she would only need to campaign at my house.  Did I mention I'd be the only other person there during her campaigning?  Oh yeah, and can you ask her to bring some cigars with her?  Please???  Oh, and peanut butter.  Ask her to bring peanut butter.
- Jason -
See?
- ES -
 

When cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Diamond Dog ziggysgirl@xoommail.com
No. And if they're good cops, they just beat the stuffings out of that abhorrent mime and be done with it. 
- Simian -
 

Are you ... talking to me? I don't see any one else so you must be talking to ... me. Or are you talking to that guy in the hat over ... there? 
Shmiley
Actually, we were talking to Guido about how much it would cost us to have him come over and KICK YOUR ASS for asking so many freaking questions.
- Jason -
 

Why are potato jokes banned?
Bobo The Hobo yokey43@yahoo.com
Mostly because potatoes aren't really that funny, Bobo. Also, when I was a kid, I threw a potato at my best friend & hit him right on the head, and I laughed until I threw up. That's why we don't answer questions about potat... oops.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

It's time to play Jeopardy! Now be a moron and answer this answer: This british-drunk-white-rapper can kick the living @&$# out of Elvis.
White Paul thenext1@hotmail.com
Wait, are we talking about 'Young Elvis" or "Fat, Bloated Elvis"? Or are we talking about "Viva Las Vegas, I'm Having an Affair with Ann-Margaret Elvis" or "Crusty, Drug-laden, Dead on the Hopper Elvis"? I think we really need to be more specific here White Paul.
- Simian -
 

Are you sure you posted all of last week's questions?? and yes I did check the unanswered questions pile.
FLAGG OoFLAGGo0@aol.com
We sent some of your questions to Gore and Bush to confuse them.  We figured in the ensuing chaos, we could jump ahead a few voter points.
- Jason -
 

Do the vast majority of picture books have an undercurrent of secret government/individual/nuclear plots to take over the world, or is that just me?
Blackhat http://www.geocities.com/rebeccampahle
Just last weekend Bunbun & I bought a book called "Our Vacation Photos, 1972" at a yard sale on the other side of town. On the first reading, it appeared to be about a family going on vacation at Niagra Falls, NY. But by the time I got to the end, there they were at a freakin' parade standing next to Richard Nixon! What a gyp! I took the book back, but I couldn't remember which road the yard sale was on, and then it started raining & I got into an accident while reading the street signs, which could be interpreted as a conspiracy in itself, if you think about it really really hard.
- Elvis Shortliver -
The secret branches of the government are forever dropping subtle, subliminal messages of world domination and subversion into children's books and TV shows. They're always doing things like that. It's really a desperate cry for help.
- Simian -
 

Is it possible to be a closet claustrophobic?
Diamond Dog ziggysgirl@xoommail.com
Yes, but those individuals are usually nymphomaniacs too.  Why do you ask?
- Jason -
 

What would happen if Albert Einstein and Jane Fonda had a baby? Would the baby be horribly disfigured or something?
Shmiley
Nope. It'd probably just invent something really REALLY destructive, like a napalm fly swatter or something.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Two questions, Jason which political party are you? And my second question is the people in the white suits keep giving me these pills. Are *those* people after me and trying poison me??? Oh no ... there coming ... no not the .... AAAAAHHHHH!!!
Looney and his What
I represent the Demopublitarian party.  Sheesh, didn't you see the big campaign flyer we posted a few pages ago?  Those guys in the white suits aren't trying to poison you, they're giving you pills that will chemically lobotomize you so we can train you to vote Jason X!  Just sit back, relax, and let the chemicals dissolve the emotion center of your brain.  Trust us, it's fun.  You'll see lots of pretty colors as your neurons degrade.
- Jason -
 

Why is it that cartoon characters never start to fall until they actually look and see that there is no ground beneath them?
Guido http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Cavern/8200/
Unfortunately for you, Guido, the world on the television is usually not real. About 3% of T.V. viewers can't understand this, and I think you might be one of them. Pay very close attention to the disclaimers & warning messages before the TV shows you are watching, and when they say "Do NOT try this at home", you'd better listen to them. Remember that guy who ran the stop light in episode 238? That was me trying to flatten myself into a pancake like Wile E. Coyote. Guess what? It didn't work. 
- Elvis Shortliver -
A better question would be why do these outlandish cartoon characters always try to commit suicide every episode? What are they, totally loony?
- Simian -
 

Is the best part of wakin' up really Folgers in your cup?
Bobo The Hobo yokey43@yahoo.com
With Simian and Elvis around, I'm lucky if Folgers is the only thing that I find in my cup when I wake up.
- Jason -
 

HI! QUESTION, WHAT DOES THE WORD "INFLAMMABLE" MEAN? YOU KNOW WHEN YOU SEE TRUCKS GOING DOWN THE ROAD CARRYING GAS, PROPANE AND THE LIKE. DOES IT MEAN "SUPER FLAMMABLE"? IF I PUT "IN" IN FRONT OF FOR EXAMPLE, MOMMY, DOES "INMOMMY" MEAN "SUPERMOMMY"? THOUGHTS APPRECIATED.
"INGIRL"
Trucks, propane, gas, someone's mother ... this is starting to feel like an episode of Survivor.
- Simian -
Supermommy, yeah. I have an idea, "INGIRL" - how about you go find the nice policeman & tell him what a pretty "Inflammable" uniform he has? Maybe he will give you a pretty pink bow for your hair!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Jason, last week, you stated that "apparently Maggie can smash aluminum cans between her hooters." Was this a pick-up line?
Maggie catwoman@dork.com
That depends on whether you're going to leak any of my inappropriate campaign behavior to the media were you to demonstrate proper aluminum can compaction techniques with your "jubblies" in preparation for recycling.
- Jason -
 

All day and all night all I do is crave tomatoes, is there something seriously weird about me or are my friends just saying that? Help..
"Weird Al"
You're asking a marmoset if your bizarre food cravings are slightly out of the ordinary? I'm a monkey. A monkey, Al. Okay, now that we have that straight, let me answer your question: Yes.
- Simian -
 

But I bet YOU don't know how to do "Spread the Peanut Butter!"
Maggie http://www.krush.org/magglez
Does it involve a large tarp, A Sam's Club 25 lb tub of Jif Smooth peanut butter, a spatula, 12 scantily clad closet claustrophobic women and me?
- Jason -
 

Can you tell me the origin of consciousness? What is it and where does it come from ? Thanks, your pal Smedrick
Smedrick Von Huffington http://artists.mp3s.com/artists/140/still_life_rock.html
Ah consciousness! It's not just for breakfast anymore. Not like 8 glasses of whiskey and soda are. Now hand me that bottle of Jim Beam, will you?
- Simian -
This came to me in a dream once, but by the time I woke up, it was gone, just like my solution to death. Damn, I KNEW I should have gotten up & just written them down!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

For an alternative, non-human candidate, go here...
MooKow of the hill people  http://mookow500.tripod.com
The guys in the white suits ARE trying to kill YOU.
- Jason -
 

What does big Tad's pinky ring look like? Will he use it and steal my secret stash? Where am I going and why am I in my car? what is this big brown thing in front of me? It's so pretty! I wonder if it will be my friend?... (CRASH!!!!!)
CarNut
Sorry, that hamburger I got at Denny's was cold. I didn't think you'd be driving by. Then again, if I knew it was you, I'm not sure if I would have done anything differently anyway.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Dear Skipper: Why haven't you sent help?  Signed, The Castaways
- Simian -