Somewhere, ZZ  (Roto-reuters)--An anonymous message was recently left at the Roto-Reuters news offices from someone claiming to work at WackyAdvice. The message indicated that to assist in ousting the really obnoxious totally insane narcissistic leader Hussein, employees at WackyAdvice will begin an on-line campaign to bombard Iraqi email addresses with really bad jokes including all of the rejected questions over the past 4 years.  "We believe this will have a greater effect than any bombing campaign ever could" announced the unidentified monotonic voice.  Experts half-heartedly agree that such a campaign "certainly wouldn't hurt, at least the really bad jokes will no longer harm American citizens."  When asked about the tactic, George Bush responded:  "I hope they send all the Quayle jokes too!"  The WackyAdvice rejected questions have been considered by some critics as: "the literary equivalent of nerve gas, paralyzing the very logic of its readers for days at a time as they try to comprehend ideas that could even drive particle physicists insane."

Experts have been unable to identify the caller stating only that: "a voice analysis has concluded the caller could be that of Elvis Shortliver as his voice imprints are still on file from that whole FBI investigation some time ago in the infamous arson case against another employee."  A distinct sound of electrical arcing and what appeared to be screeches from some sort of primate could also be heard in the background though authorities were uncertain what it meant.  Airy Flusher, Whitehouse spokesdrone concluded that "there is some concern that the 'people' at WackyAdvice are gearing up to take prisoners and may be testing various torture techniques.  On the other hand, knowing the folks at WackyAdvice, it could have simply been a squabble over someone's booze."

At press time, no information was available as to when the campaign would begin.
 

Do I have a question? No.
Let's see. Hmm, we have 85 questions to pick from today, and I can only answer 8 of them. Well, I guess I'll try to answer the ones that look like they're really desperate for help. Let's see... "Help! Hand me that gun!!!! THE LEMMINGS!!!!!!!!!! THE LEMMINGS!!!!!!!" Uhh, let's try an easier one... here we go... "Is Elvis really insecure?" What kind of a question is that! Dammit, WHO SENT THIS ONE?? Oh yeah, I took off the name field on the question form. Stupid Stupid Elvis! You always think you're making things better, don't cha! *sigh* I think I'll go take a nap in the break room...
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Jason!  Joo gos som splainin ta do!
Ricky!!!??  Um, Lucy and I were just, um talking heh heh, yeah, that's all.  On the couch there. . .She was, um, partially naked BEFORE I got here.  Really.  And she uh, just asked me over to, um, replace a light bulb, yup.  <gulp>  Well, um, I'd better be on my way.
- Jason -
 

Is Bill Shatner really dead? Thats what I heard! 
Magic G
Well, Bill’s career might be dead, but he’s not. As a matter of fact I hear that his toupee is actually starring opposite David Hasslehoff in a new UPN series called Ham Eating White Boys. It’ll be on after the other new show Kill My Landlord.
- Simian -
 

How come I can't find Pink Floyd's The Wall for under $30.99??
Neo, this is Morpheus. Begin using my P2P file sharing software & you will be liberated. Uhh, on second thought, you better spit that red pill out if you're listening to Floyd. It'll just make you think that you're "The One" again.
- Elvis Shortliv... err.. Morpheus - 
 

What's the deal with George W? You know what I'm talking about, Jason.
Aside from the goofy stare, common mispronunciation of the word "nuclear"--It's newcleeyur, not newcyoolar (why can't anyone get that straight, or at least consult freaking Webster?), and the fact that he's standing there screaming "I'm gonna kick your ass Iraq!" While the rest of the world is milling around thinking "geeze, who whizzed in this guy's Wheaties this morning?", I have no problem with the guy, he's just a little neurotic that's all.
- Jason -
 

Explain the following statement: "C is for Cookie and that's good enough for me" 
Well DUH! C is not just for cookie anymore – but it’s also for Crown Royal, Cognac, and Canadian whiskey. And they all taste quite good with cookies, or French toast, or pancakes.
- Simian -
 

Who's really right: Kant, Aristotle, Mill, the ethical relativists, the psychological egoists, the ethical egoists, the nihilists, the absolutists, or the cultural
relativists and why?
Who? Ethical Egoists? Sounds like a terrorist group! I always thought Vern Crawkins from Mulch City, Alabama was right, when he uttered his poignant last words: "Hay, wanna see sumpin' funny?"
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What the hell is humour?  Has this site gone gay British?  Or praps CANADIAN?  Sounds like a communist plot to me.  Somebody call Denis Leary about this, he'll get drunk and solve this problem faster than you can say "I'm not an Alcoholic".  But my real question is... What the hell is that?
Did I get that right? You’re a gay British Canadian communist who is also a Denis Leary impersonator? Next thing you’re going to be telling me is that you’re the lurid, puffy sex-machine known as Mitchell. Then I’ll know I took too much Dramamine with my whiskey.
- Simian -
 

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell, blue skies from pain. Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts? Hot ashes for trees? Hot air for a cool breeze? Cold comfort for change? And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
- Jason -
Sorry, I didn't have $30.99 to shell out for a crappy concept album about walking hammers.
- Elvis Shortliver -
From: Jason X.
Sent: Monday, September 09, 2002 19:01
To: Elvis Shortliver
Hee hee, joke's on you. . .That one question didn't contain lyrics from 
"The Wall", it was from their earlier album:  "Wish You Were Here"   That 
makes you "Pink Floyd Ignorant".  Now you must subjugate yourself to 24 
hours of continuous Floyd--and they've got enough albums out so you could 
without ever listening to the same song twice.
 
 

Do I REALLY wanna be sedated?
Hey it works for me. And for the corpses of Joey Ramone and Keith Richards.
- Simian -
 

Have you ever had a rash like THIS???
OH MY GOD!!!  THAT'S THE WORST THING I'VE EVER SEEN!  Oh, wait, it's supposed to look like that?  Then where's the rash?  MOTHER OF ALL THAT IS HOLY!!!!  <THUD>
- Jason -
 

Can I urinate in my own pool?
-Ozzypedro
Hey, whatever floats your boat, but it's restraint which makes you a man, OzzyPedro. You certainly won't feel much like a man when suddenly a voice shouts out "Hey, what's that yellow stream over there? Oh, it's just you, OzzyPedro!" Trust me.
- Elvis Shortliver - 
I have a better idea, Ozzypedro – why not pee in Paul Hogan’s pool? With the stink coming from his dead career, he’ll hardly notice.
- Simian -
 

Help! Hand me that gun!!!! THE LEMMINGS!!!!!!!!!! THE LEMMINGS!!!!!!!
Relax. . .you only have to shoot one and the rest of them will fall over too.
- Jason -
 

Whatever happen to Joe Camel?  He was the man.
Actually he was a cartoon, but no matter. Joe Camel is now retired & has been sent back to India where he spends most of his time hauling Arabian Militants from Jihad meeting to Jihad meeting. Apparently it's quite the prominant life for a camel. Also, it was really nice of old R.J. to give "Ol' Smokie" (as he was known around the office) that deep pocketed severence package in advance. Although they cut out his tongue to keep him silent, fortunately he IS still able to support his fifteen pack a day smoking habit. Hey, you asked.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

I am considering buying a hat.  What would you say is the best type of hat a man can buy without seeming gay?
The one that isn’t gay. Try one of these.
- Simian -
 

What's the deal with Worf's forehead?
He got his head caught in one of those old "wringer" style washing machines from the turn of the century.
- Jason -
 

Hi Guys,
I was wondering whatever happened to Yahoo Serious. I was a very big fan, and it seems like his career just sort of dried up. Do you think they'll make an "Old Einstein" or "Middle-Aged Einstein" or even a "Dead Einstein" sequel?
Sincerely Theirs,
-Bud
I think they may make a “Corpse of Einstein” movie but why cast Yahoo Serious when Paul Hogan is most definitely available. 
- Simian -
Actually I heard he was in some Zen movie called "Shazuku: The Art Of Ass Fighting" - apparently he played a young man who meandered into the village of 3 aboriginese men who sheltered him, then took turns flogging him with a variety of sticks that they whittled, producing large whelts resembling the six factors of life: Air, Fire, Wind, Water, Pain, and Stupidity. I think they are currently working on a sequel, loosely based on Dante's Inferno, but I'm not sure if poor Yahoo's ass is up for the hole - uhh - role.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Whats the difrence between you and I?
Three letters?
- Jason -
 

What constitutes being "too drunk?"
You’re asking me? Hells if I know, but then, I haven’t been sober since 1990.
- Simian -
 

Y do u lozers do this any way
We figured it was a good way to meet "friendly" people.
- Jason -
 

How can I be more ugly?
You know, I just don't know.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 
 

.	The 5th Annual Halloween Special!