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Breaking News:  Authorities determine northeast blackout caused by Jason X!

Simian and Elvis lost in freak accident at same time.

It appears a spacecraft was spotted shortly before sunset. VIDEO Do You Recognize This Man? If So, Dial 800-988-LOZR PLAY VIDEO Someone Put Dirty Diapers In Mr. Lardlumps Sleeping Bag, And He's Really Really Pissed. PLAY VIDEO How Could Mr. Lardlumps Be In Iraq If He Is Working At SnackWurst? PLAY VIDEO

Roto-Reuters, Northeast.

In what was a shocking revelation today (pun intended), authorities from the North American Electric Reliability Council (NERC) were continuing their investigation into the northeast blackout that left millions without power and sent Elvis Shortliver and Simian T. Marmoset hurtling through space-time.

Snackwurst corporation recently revealed that Jason X was attempting to install a UHF antenna on his space ship to pick up UPN on the afternoon of 8/14/03.  According to Jason's statements, Elvis and Simian were drinking Tom Collins and chocolate milk and reclining on bean bags inside his spaceship watching the television for the UPN signal as Jason attempted to install the antenna mast on top of his ship. The antenna mast subsequently contacted a transmission line running overhead.  This apparently sent a massive surge of energy into Jason's ship, which interacted with the alien systems on board and created a small to moderate sized black hole in the living area.  The vortex sucked Elvis and Simian into it transporting them to an as yet undetermined dimension or location. The resulting surge also caused a cascading outage that spread throughout the northeast and Midwest inconveniencing millions and knocking out the UPN station Jason was trying to pick up in the first place, sending him into a nasty fit of irritation.  "First I was pissed off because it melted my antenna, but when I went inside and saw the black hole and the chocolate milk on the carpet, I really got angry because I'd just had the place cleaned"  Jason said.

"That's the last time I try to install an antenna under the influence of beer" Jason was quoted as saying during the interview.  Authorities are as yet undecided on how to pursue the case.  "Frankly, there is no law on the books that addresses AIWI (antenna installation while intoxicated) and so we do not believe we can prosecute Jason" said Harry Butts, lead attorney general representing others from 5 states. " I really thought I was FERCed Jason said, voicing concerns over the response of the Federal Energy Regulatory Commission", "but I guess they're going to let me go which is just as well because now I've got to try to figure out where Elvis and Simian have gone so I can return them to work.  I just hope they don't run out of beer. . .or air before I find them."  "Now that my antenna is fried, I've only got old Battlebots episodes to watch now!".

Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien was quoted as saying "See!  I told you jerks it wasn't OUR fault!" after the evidence was presented.  "You bunch of arrogant wieners can just bite my Canadian Bacon!" he added as he stormed out of the room cursing in a caustic conglomeration of  broken French and English.  New York Governor George E. Pataki was then heard to respond in typical New York fashion: "I got your Canadian Bacon right here pal!".  A brief altercation ensued.
 
 

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