Elvis Shortliver

Tig (The Temp)

Jason X.

NOVEMBER, 2003
 

Day and @#& night I dream of &*%$ being a #@%& bank teller, but I have #@!$ tourettes syndrome. Any #@%# advice. Thanx @$%# 
shakey#@%! sam
Stop F@#&in' dreaming silly.
- Elvis Shortliver -
WOW !! What is with you today???? Forget to take your meds???? 
- Tig -
No, I'm #@%& afraid I'm @$%# speechless. . .
- Jason -
 
 

Why is it that every time I turn my head I hear bells playing Highway to Hell? 
Voodoo Jesus
That's not your head that's being turned, Jesus. It's the tricks of the people who use your name as a tool to get people like me to give them money so that they can do the unspeakable with boys. Either that, or my AC/DC record has a skip in it, that might be totally possible.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Huh.....? 
- Tig -
Because you're WEARING HEADPHONES and your walkman is playing Highway to Hell!
- Jason -
 
 

Are you as insane as you sound? 
BEV
Oh, I'm much more insane than that!
- Jason -
Gee, I wonder who put this here..... 
- Tig -
 
 

Hey baby wanna get freaky? 
Hmm Idk
After watching those horrid Halloween movies with Simian & Jason, "freaky" takes on a whole new meaning. So NO, I think I'll pass.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Um, OK.  But I should warn you, my balance isn't very good when I'm wearing one of those foam cheese wedges on my head.  Plus, chocolate syrup makes me itch.
- Jason -
 

What could be finer than a Texas chainsaw massacre? 
Boo Radley
A Wyoming stud finder massacre?
- Jason -
Oh, what will we do?
- Tig -
 
 

I hate brocoli, dont u? 
Moron

- Jason -
 
 

Whoever invented Viagra is a genius, don't you reckon? 
Anonymous
Either that, or just very very horny.
- Jason -
Yeah, now AOL chat rooms are full of HUGE men of ALL ages looking for HOT ladies, and the ONLY lady who's talking is... Mr. Lardlumps!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 
 

What is this site actually about I just went on to bored.com and looked up dumb stories and this came up this isn't a story but I like it any way... can I get a dounut from aroung here. 
Bannana Fred
Well, Bored.com obviously has us confused with some other site then, like, CureForInsomnia.com or GoDoSomethingElse.com or WeWasteOurLivesDoingThisWebsite.com. Whatever, they probably get a couple more visitors than the 4 that we got last week. Oh, and you might find a donut in the downstairs restroom stalls. Fish around in the toilets, I've had luck there in the past.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 
 

What colour is the sky in your world? 
Undisclosed
It's sort of a paisley with vertically striped clouds.  The stars don't twinkle either, they honk.
- Jason -
Blue.
- Tig -
 
 

Do u have a girl friend? 
No, but I'm not looking if you're asking.
- Tig -
 
 

Hello I'm English! Do you have any advice for somone from England? 
Little Lady Laffalot
Absolutely.  Stay away from kidney pie (I hear they're not using real kidney anymore), watch out for Galaxy chocolate.  They use elephant snot as a binding agent.  Finally, always go around the roundabout.  The police tend to get very angry when you plow right through the middle and knock over those funny lighted little obelisk looking thingies.
- Jason -
Yeah, Stay Offa My Propertay! *Ping!*
- Elvis Shortliver -
Go have a banger and a pint and relax. 
- Tig -
 
 

Are you familiar with the new way of flight they are developing using static electricity? 
Truhls Rohk
Yes, it's a new development where you rub a balloon on your head while jumping off a Rubicks' Cube. It works pretty well, especially if you have a solid rocket booster attached to the balloon.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Really? I haven't heard about it. Are you? Are you just making things up?!?!?! 
- Tig -
 
 

Why does it seem that every year or so, someone from this website disappears?  Have you guys just run out of ideas and are just rehashing the same old ones? 
Mr. Johson (who almost looks like Puff Daddy)
Hey, wait a minute there P-Diddy! Do you REALLY think that it was MY idea to get electrofied & shot into space JUST because we ran out of IDEAS for this site?? Oh, come ON, that's the most FAR-FETCHED excuse that I've heard! How are you EVER going to graduate high school if you flunk making up excuses!?!?
- Elvis Shortliver -
No, various members of our group frequently become neurotic and require psychological treatment and isolation in suicide prevention rooms.  We make up stories to cover our embarrassment.
- Jason -
 
 

How were you created? 
Will
Well, you see a long time ago my mother & father fell madly in love with each other. Then one day, while they were "sleeping" in bed together, a stork flew over their house & dropped ME, a bundle of joy, down their chimney & into their arms....
- Elvis Shortliver -
 
 

I love you! Ur funny, but how do u get so random? 
Sam
I try to envision myself as a woman with several credit cards at a clothing store clearance sale.  The conflicting abstract thoughts just come naturally.
- Jason -
Sneaker ran chop suey totem pole into fraction hobgoblin, yo.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 
 

Where do babies come from?
Hmmjawhat 
Well, you see a long time ago my mother & father fell madly in love with each other. Then one day, while they were "sleeping" in bed together, a stork flew over their house & dropped ME, a bundle of joy, down their chimney & into their arms....
- Elvis Shortliver -
 
 

Word to the wise:  Do NOT try to open a beer bottle with your belly button.  Sure, it looks cool, but, man, you're in store for a world of hurt 
I don't have a belly button.  I just use my death ray to blow the top of the bottle off.  It usually also blows a hole in the wall, destroys the car parked next door and vaporizes the neighbor kid's Big Wheel.
- Jason -
 
 

WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF I EAT NAIL POLISH REMOVER??
CaitliN MariE 
Well, I wouldn't worry about it until they invent a nail polish remover that's a solid so that you can eat it. Just don't DRINK it!!
- Elvis Shortliver -
You will die ! 
- Tig -
 
 

If I was alone in the jungle with a camel, would I eat the camel, or just wonder, "Hey why am I in the jungle with a camel in the first place?"
Mikesh84 
... And we all know what Mike did to the camel right after he submitted this question. We will spare you the perverted, graphic details,  and we are nearly certain that we will not be hearing from him anytime soon.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 
 

How much alcohol/firearms/money is it going to take for me to get a date for the Homecoming dance?
Not much, unless you want to go with Ted Kennedy, Ted Kazynski or Ted Turner. Hee hee, my first "Ted" joke!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 
 

Do you feel like I do?
Your bad! I went back home so I could pass out candy to all the little kids.
- Tig -