ERROR: Random File Unopenable

Why does Alan Greenspan keep sending me Nigerian bank spam?
q0dr
Uhh, did you read it, q0dr?

I HAVE DEPOSITED THE SUM OF EIHGTEEN MLLION BILION QUADRILLON UNTIED STATE DOLLORS WITH A SECRET SECURITY COPONY, FOR SAFKEEPING. THE FUNDS ARE SECURITY CODED TWO PREVENT THEM FROM KNOWING THE CONTENT.

If I had Pancakes, a bottle of whiskey, and a Poppin Fresh costume would simian go out with me?
Freeedr
Hey! You’re not Poppin’ Fresh the Pillsbury Doughboy! Who do you think you’re fooling short eyes? Just for that Freeedr, you’ll be riding in the trunk on the way back to the insane asylum.
- Simian -
 

Hey you still have cheesepuffs under the sofa? I could use some.
hempy
Oh, those aren't cheese puffs.  No, those are oranges that Elvis hid under the couch two years ago.
- Jason -
 

Whats the best way to cure a hangover?
Anonymous
Don’t stop drinking.
- Simian -
Try rubbing an onion into your eye sockets. Really, the way it works is quite simple; by inflaming the skin tissue around the eye, the symptoms mysteriously disappear as the tear ducts begin to cleanse the irritated & by now painful burning sensation that's happening. Oh, you say "That's not happening to me," but we know that deep inside it's there, gently but constantly tapping at you. Oh, did you say a cure for a HANGOVER?
- Elvis Shortliver -
Keep drinking!
- Jason -
 

JESUS TAP-DANCING CHRIST!  It's now the 11th of November and you haven't updated the site yet. HALLOWEEN IS OVER!  God, just buy a damn calendar and end this insanity.  Obviously, when you said, "We're returning in early November!", you were lying to us. How DARE you toy with my emotions.  Now I'm gonna lay down for a while now and get some Tasty Cakes, but when I come back, this website BETTER be updated, or else I'm gonna shove your heads so far up your asses, you'll be able to actually see the crap being kicked out of you.
:)
Mr Chips
It appears that you think we actually care about your feelings. If that were true then we wouldn’t be pointing at you and laughing. Nor would we have installed the “Delete all incoming emails from Mr. Chips” command on our mail server. While we very much would like to care about your feelings, we just don’t. And while we appreciate your endless barrage of questions (well not really), we’re just not sure we can help you with your obviously unique mental issues.
- Simian -
And Mr. Chips becomes the new poster child for Paxil anti-anxiety medication. . .
- Jason -
 

Open up in there! This is a raid! Flagg told us all about your little game!
the po-lice
Leave it to the redneck to get pissed off & tattle to The Law because we took his mitts from him in a battle of chance! Shoo Flagg! Be off to your tin pan!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Who's Jon Don Baker?
Anonymous
Well he isn’t William Shatner, that’s for sure! Baker is a really puffy, bloated, drunken, greasy, wannabe actor type who belched his way to Hollywood’s Z-movie list. He’s often found waking up in his own vomit. Or someone else’s.
- Simian -
 

Where can I find my true love?
kelli
In the back seat of my space shi. . . <smack>, um, I mean in an elevator?
- Jason -
 

Did you know that Poppin Fresh is my cousin?
freeedr
That lump of dough made his way into the ovens of nearly every American Housewife over the years, so the entire baking population have somehow been tainted by the magic wand of Uncle Poppy. Welcome to the family. It's a family of millions.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

You've never answered any of my questions, but you've answered Guidos plenty of times. If I can beat Birdbox in a blinking contest, can I eat him?
Bobo, of looneyland fame
Well good luck with the blinking contest there, Bobo. Because unless you can out-stare a decaying corpse, you’re not going to win over our affections. Maybe you should consider sending us lots of money instead.
- Simian -
 

What would I need to make my own cult?
Mr Chips
Snazzy language, big words, intense anger at the podium, and a bunch of impressionable overzealous religious freaks looking for something to believe in, or a group of people to hate.  Oh, and some cool tennis shoes.  Failing that, a bunch of druid robes will work in a pinch.  And don't forget the Kool-Aid!
- Jason -
Three regular visitors who never let you forget that they are waiting for you to speak.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Why can't pigs fly?  I asked my mom for a million dollars this week and she just said, "When pigs fly."
mr. person guy
For a million dollars I’d staple some wings to a canned ham and toss it out the window of a moving truck. Unless we’re really making the distinction between pigs and pork products, then I’d say, you on your own guy.
- Simian -
In a very technical sense, pigs CAN fly when dropped out of a ship at 90,000 feet.  Actually it's more like gliding since they don't have wings.  The kind of gliding a bowling ball would do when dropped from 90,000 feet.  The great part is that due to atmospheric friction, by the time they get to the ground, you've got cooked bacon, and the impact de-bones them.
- Jason -
 

Has it ever occured to our government just to bomb the terrorists with glitter? Not the movie, mind you, although it certainly wouldn't hurt, but the shiney powdery stuff. Do you have any idea at all how hard it is to get that stuff off of you? And let's face it - a shiney, glittery Iraq would be much less threatening than a plain ol Suddam-y one. Does no one other than me and the Multiple Voices think that my plan is brilliant?
Ladeeda
Then Ol' Dubya & "Rummy" Rumsfeld can do "The Hustle" 'round his decapitated disco-y head on the dance floor! On second thought, let's just focus on fixing the friggin' economy, eh? Is it THAT un-fixable that we have to ignore it & instead focus our attention on the "Big Bad Ugly" Middle East?? Is the Government trying to ONCE AGAIN keep us distracted from what's REALLY going on under our noses by deflecting the anger that we feel at THEM onto that fiery scapegoat bin-Laden?? Will we all one day be spinning around on the dance floor of life singing in unison "Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Stayin' Alive! Stayin' Alive!" Oops! Look out Rummy! You're stepping on my tail - AGAIN!!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What ever happened to Barney the Dinasour? Is he in rehab now?
Tee Pee
Unfortunately, in one of the late season episodes, Barney the dinosaur (who was an herbivore) met Timothy the Tyrannosaurus Rex (who we all know is a carnivore).  Lets just say that Barney is, um probably smeared on the bottom of someone's shoe by now.  That same fateful day, Timothy's violent rampage continued onto the Teletubbies set.  2 Days later, Timothy died from complications caused by a Teletubbie antenna stuck in his gastrointestinal tract.
- Jason -
 

What happened to remakes of good shows like BJ and the Bear? (there's a concept I can't get enough of... a man and his monkey...)
CarNut
BJ and the Bear? Here, let me pummel you in the sternum repeatedly to simulate the kind of pain one normally feels when they watch shows like BJ and the Bear. Now if the show had just been about the monkey, who was a stellar acting talent, well then I could understand your enthusiasm for it. But a pasty Greg Evegan smirking his way through a poor Adam West imitation? I think you’ve been smoking more than your usual amount of crack, CarNut.
- Simian -
Was BJ the man, or was The Bear the man? And if BJ was the monkey, I damn well know what he was doing in that truck!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

The yoda-speaking virus I have been infected with. Mmph! A cure I need. One do you have?
Ladeeda
Ooooh, infected are you.  Very bad this virus is, mph.  Before a cure can I give, you pay $25 me must.  Visa, CardMaster, Express American, Check, or accepted.  You thank.
- X, Jason. -
 

What ever happened to Eskimos? They were all cool living in their igloos and eating raw fish. Was it global warming that killed them?
Mr Chips
According to my copy of " ESKIMO " by The Residents, Eskimos are still alive indeed, and have words for 40 varieties of snow. I have only TWO words for snow: SOGGY PANTS!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What do The Pope, Jim Carey, and Princess Diana all have in common?
Anonymous
They’re all dead? Oh no wait, they’re all stupid? Oh hang on I think I have this one – they’re all dead? Eek! This is a trick question isn’t it?
- Simian -
 

Do you mind if I crawl into a bed and sleep for a while? I don't snore.
Lucy
OK, but if it's mine and you have cold feet, put some socks on.  Cold feet can cause me to go into cardiac arrest.  Hey, you don't have bed wetting issues do you?
- Jason -
 

Is William Shatner really a bad actor? He seems to do ok in those princeline.com commericals.
Tee Pee
Priceline.com - a whole new way to love the same old crap! Hey, ‘acting talents’ aside, William Shatner sure has nice hair, doesn’t he? And with the money he’s making from priceline.com he’ll be in dreadful toupees for years to come!
- Simian -
 

Why dont people eat donkey meat?
Jon
Speaking of donkey meat, take a look at THIS !
- Elvis Shortliver -
 
 
 

What's the best adjective to use? Is it "jaunty"? Mr Chips How about 'annoying'? - Simian -

Click The Salamander

After I eat my vegetables what should I do with their wheelchairs?
Bailey
Hi Bailey, I'm Elvis Shortliver, one of the writers here at www.WackyAdvice.com. Please do not mistake the handicapped for organic food. We know that you mean no harm, especially to the cripples, but in defense of them, they are people too you know. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Simian may indeed pop a gasket at anything that takes her away from the bottle (it chimes "How Dry I Am" every time she takes a swig!) but even SHE knows not to kick a cripple in the leg, or bite a cripple on the face, or beat a cripple unconscious with his own crutches to steal his pocket change for booze, or even leap onto the back of a cripple that's bobbing down the road in his buggy & whip him in the extremities with an unripe banana just to hear him cry out "Peez Stawwwp!" We DO have empathy for them, the Handi-CAPABLE, for one day we all may be one too, thanks.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Well, I'm pretty much speechless on this one.
- Jason -