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My school has a club for the preservation of albino tree squirrels. Is it possible to be more lame?
Guido
Yes, you could be French, which would really be lame, as you’d then have a haughty accent and a really crappy disposition. Or you could answer questions from unstable psychiatric patients on your website.
- Simian -
Oh sure, it's possible.  How about starting a club to collect petrified dinosaur droppings?  Or perhaps a Commodore 64 preservation society?  Maybe start a Univac historical convention?  Then there's always the Shop-Vac hot rodding gang.  Need I go on?
- Jason -
 

What do you get when you fall in love?
boo radley
First you have to figure out if it's really LOVE that you've fallen into, or if it's just a big pile of doodoo that your Mom left out for you to step in. Do you have the old "butterflies in the tummy" feeling, or is it more like the "I can't wait for the guilt & begging to start" feeling? Confused? Not to worry because there's an easy solution, and there's not much of a price either. Just a few days in the clinic & a black eye, and the black eye is only if you forget to bring cash with you.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Usually a headache and one or more broken bones, and that's if you're lucky.
- Jason -
 

Should I start drinking alcohol to impress Simian?
freeedr
There isn’t enough booze on the planet to impress me. Wait! What am I saying?!
- Simian -
 

Has anyone else ever noticed that the size of an SUV seems to be inversely proportional to the size of it's driver?
The farmer formerly known as Ned
Was that YOU in front of me, NED? Sorry, I didn't see you until I drove right over your Ford Escort. I tried to tell you I was sorry, but judging from the terrified look in your eyes I just figured I'd step on it before you veered into my undercarriage in a terror-fit. Apology accepted, this time.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Why does everyone hate me?

Because nobody knows your name.  It's probably also because you have an annoying habit of walking up to people and continuously poking them in the ribcage while conversing with them.
- Jason -
 

Hand over the marmoset.
freeedr
Not if my gun collection has anything to say about it.
- Simian -
You'll never take her alive. . .and she'll never let us let you take her alive. . .or she may have just been threatening to kill us, I forget..
- Jason -
OH MY GOD!! Is this the end of an ERA?? Nope, just meaningless banter... as usual!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

If it wasn't for sour cream what would we do with chives?
Wild Bill
Better question:  If it wasn't for flammable liquids and electricity, what would we do with all the stupid people who survived childhood?
- Jason -
 

Where can I get hair like William Shatner's?
Tee Pee
Go out to Route 95 north (but most Interstates will do). Look for the largest road kill carcass you can find, preferably skunk or raccoon. Clean out the guts. Staple it to your head. And Voila! You now have a certified William Shatner hairpiece. Of course, you’d still have a long way to go before you are actually as cool as William Shatner, but getting the right festering animal corpse on your head is a start.
- Simian -
 

My birthday is in 10 days... Will there be a new edition then? That would be a great present....
Bailey
Well Bailey, how could we pass up your birthday? We've been celebrating it for like 15 days now & I think we're all just partied out after all the frosting & barley. Pass the barleycorn. Oh, I mean, happy birthday. Hey! What did you get us?
- Elvis Shortliver -
We can't guarantee we can produce a new edition by your birthday, but you can rest assured I plan on taking Elvis and Simian outside, getting Simian sooper-boozed, and lighting one of her burps in the direction of Elvis' hair.  If you look to the east, you should see a warm glow on the horizon.  That will Elvis' scalp getting singed.  Happy Birthday!
- Jason -
 

I have a dream. A dream I can walk again. But I cant walk. Seven years ago my Unkle Enriqe had a dog, it was a pit bull named Teeko. He didn't like me. He bit me bad. After he bit me my Mom had him go to sleep at the doctors office. She said it was ok. The dog was not used to kids. Then she said that God will help me find a way, a way in life. And that I shouldent be angry. But I am angry, all my freinds go out at night to hang out and I am alone. I hate my wheel chair, I hate being inside, I hate God. Thank you Elvis, Jason and Simian for making me laugh.  Love, Shawntay
Shawntay  Dubois
You think we’re funny? Why Shawntay, we here at Porfessional Advice aren’t supposed to be funny – we’re professionals! Think of us as the Al Gore of the Internet: minus the ‘inventing’ it part. And the spray-on hair part.
- Simian -
Hey, don't fret Shawntay.  Being alone isn't so bad.  You can kick back, eat chips, watch cheesy stuff on Sci-Fi, and ponder the really important things in life. . .like where do you get tractors small enough to use in an ant farm? or if you replaced the headlights in a car, would it look like you're the only one moving? Or, what's the square root of infinity?

And think of all the fun you can have with a wheelchair.  You could strap a couple of cattle prods onto that puppy and raise complete hell at your local Wal-Mart.  Have you ever seen a 350 pound woman in a mu mu with 5 kids run screaming away from you with char marks on her big butt from being prodded.  It is truly a wondrous sight to behold.  You wouldn't think someone that big could move that fast.  Now cheer up, and look for the good side of what you only see now as problems--you can turn apparent misfortune into fun, and electricity is a great start!  Something is only a disadvantage if you let it be one.
- Jason -
Don't worry, Shawntay, God hates you too.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Why do you suck so much?
Mr Chips
Do you think it might have something to do with the fact that we get questions like this one?
- Simian -
Mainly we do it to annoy adolescent twirps whose mommy just bought them a 'puter and now that they've finally gotten "on-line" with their new AOL x.0 account they think it's cool to bash others to compensate for thier own lameness.  Yeah, we specifically target spoiled "children" to annoy them and make their lives miserable.  Welcome to the club hoser.
- Jason -
Is that you, Pinocchio? Poor little bitter child of wood. Better get the flame-thrower...
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Why can't you have funny stories like this? 
q0dr
Because apparently we suck, that’s why.
- Simian -
Comparitively, if you want to put us up against the heavily bloated & overly soggy Onion, who barely acknowledges our existance (despite the SnackWurst/Onion litigations pending) then you are definately getting exactly what you've paid for, and as soon as the SnackWurst/Shortliver litigations are resolved, I should be getting paid too!
- Elvis Shortliver -
Apparently it's because as Mr. Chips has been so fond of pointing out:  we suck.
- Jason -
 

By now you may have realized that I will not tell you who it was that told me about the Ramadan edition so don't even bother with the hot pokers...
FLAGG
You AGAIN, Pinocchio? Why do you always come back for more? *POOF!*
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Maybe it was Jason or Elvis that told me or MAYBE not....it could have been the cute but suprisingly vicious Simian yeah I could have gotten her a mac truck full of whiskey and let her spill her guts (no pun or vomit intended) but you can't be too sure.... can you?
FLAGG
I think this question begs the obvious: Flagg, what the heck are you talking about? Have you been huffing string cheese again? You have to stop with this obsession with canned dairy products. It’s going to land you in rehab. Now, you were saying something about bringing me a truck full of whisky....
- Simian -
 

I need a job.  You guys have good jobs.  Got any for me?
Jenn Dolari
Elvis and Simian told me I'd get in trouble for answering this one.
- Jason -
 

How do you define early November?
Jimmy Jim Billyson
Usually I define it as FALL, like "back in November Jimmy Jim dun took a fall" but in your case, I'll try to use words that you'll understand like "too cold for retards" or "almost time for you to get a new bib" - oops, I've been hostile again. Sorry, Jimmy Jim. I have to remember to be courteous to ALL folks, after all, it's not your fault that you were the result of sibling exploration, now is it?
- Elvis Shortliver -
Somewhere between October and December. Of course we never mentioned what year we were talking about either.
- Simian -
See also:  Late October.
- Jason -
 

Who, precisely, put the bop in the bop-she-doodly-bop?
Shmiley
I think his name was Dingity Ding. He had quite the large, uhh, DINGITY DING, or so the story goes.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What do I have to do to become Handi-capable?
hempy
Keep coming to this site.
- Simian -