"Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated...."

INTERNATIONAL DISTRIBUTOR STUMBLES TO FIND ANSWERS AS MISSING EMPLOYEE RETURNS

Hi kids, it's me Simian.

You know, I can't leave these guys alone for two seconds without this whole place falling apart. When I got back into work after taking my well-earned vacation, I find both Elvis and Jason locked in a dark supply closet with an old sponge and a bottle of diet soda. It looked as if food was periodically shoved under the door and that they hadn't seen the sun in about 3 weeks. They were pretty shocked to see me: Jason was incisively trying to hug me and Elvis kept bouncing up and down like he had ants in his shorts. I had to explain to them that I had gone to Brazil to see my great aunt Zelda. I reminded them that I had told them previously of this, to which both Elvis and Jason said, "Uh, we forgot". After I liberated them, I went to see just what our sponsors, Snackwurst, had done. That's when I found our midget interns duct taped to the fax machine, our team of rabid ferret writers running loose in the men's room, the penguins recounting election ballots and Big Tad crying in the corner because someone had taken his precious pinky ring. What, I asked my cute monkey self, was going on?

Well, apparently, someone had called the Snackwurst headquarters and told them that this little monkey had gotten crushed under the wheels of a big-ass truck while crossing the Interstate. I haven't been near an Interstate since the thumb tack incident 2 years ago. Anyway, it appears the this call was made by someone who sounded an awful lot like Mr. Lardlumps. So Snackwurst, in their haste to find someone to fill in for me on such short notice, hired that buffoon Mr. Lardlumps - seeing that he was only one conveniently available. Like that tainted old squid could replace my fluffy cute-ness! Well, other than that, I didn't get much more out of the Snackwurst people except a lot of blank stares and blubbering about "The Bad Man". I knew just what I had to do.

Armed with a sharp stick in one hand and an old boot in the other, I went to find that old crusty goat Lardlumps. And find him I did. Normally one wouldn't think that a 14 ounce marmoset could do any serious damage, but that creepy old fossil didn't know what hit him. I opened a giant can of whoop ass on him like you read about. I went totally Medieval on his wrinkled butt. After I beat him senseless with the old shoe I jabbed him many, many times with the stick. And all the while I was screaming like a spider monkey on a sugar high. It helped of course that Elvis and Jason were cheering me on.

So, now that we've taken back our page from that prehistoric troll, Lardlumps (and the Snackwurst folks have all gone into psychotherapy) I can enjoy drinking my bourbon and Tang milk shakes and answering all of your bizarre, sometimes freakish questions. Gods, I love my job!

How about we all get over the initial shock of losing Simian and move on. I mean Mr. Lardlumps isn't going to be permanent, is he? I think you should go to the site above and replace that loser with some helpless cast-off mascot. Next week, Mr. Lardlumps should be gone.
Mr. Bob http://www.lileks.com/institute/orphanage/index.html
I took one look at those mascots & I was so happy we didn't have to do that. Gosh, I'm so happy that the monkey didn't die! Mr. Lardlumps had THESE pages made for his plan to turn the page into a rosebush lover's how to guide, and Jason & I were crying and cold. Then BLAMMO! Mr. Lardlumps inhaled and said "You!" and then Simian... I don't know how monkeys move like that, but I'm not pulling her tail ever again! Now I know why monkeys should really be kept in the wild, but we can't put her back now.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

How do they get the little "M's" on M&M's?
Shmiley www.robotfrank.com
They use a 40 MegaWatt krypton laser stationed on the moon.  It etches the little symbols on the candy somewhere in the factory in Hershey, PA.
- Jason -
Tiny typewriters. But, I kid the typewriters.
- Simian -
 

Ok, so I met this guy in a band at this one concert? And he's like really hott. But he's 7 years older than me. And he's hott. And he gave me their band T-shirt for free. Oh yeah, and he's hott. And he gave me his phone number. Is this legal?
Whinny Hopalong
Is it hot in here, or is it just me?
- Jason -
Well, we never really checked to see if our site was breaking the law - you're not trying to sue us, are you Whinny? Not now! We got the monkey back, OK?? Sheesh, let us take a breather for a week or so.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

What does Campbell's "Chunkey Noodle Classic" taste like?
Shmiley www.friendbear.com
What is this? A trick question? Chunky Noodle Classic tastes like old tires and stale Twinkies! Everyone knows that, Shmiley. Now pass me my Valium.
- Simian -
 

Do you have any official merchandise? Does Jason have many groupies?  I'll be Jason's groupie!  Lardlumps is smelly!!
banana doll
Capitalism? And groupies? On our site? I've never witnessed such mind-numbing revulsion! Well, except for that nude  geriatric volleyball tournament last week, but I digress...
- Simian -
Yes I do, I caught one that was 8 inches this past summer, and I caught one that was 14 inches just last month. . .oh, you said Groupie, not grouper.  Um, yeah, I have some groupies, but most of them tend to be circus midgets.  They follow me everywhere, and they use my soap when I'm not home.
- Jason -
 
 

Why is it we wash things with water?  Why is that the universal rule or something? G. Gosh Standblitz Ggoshstandblitz@aol.com I'd give you a hug, but I don't think at this point it'll do you any good. - Elvis Shortliver -

OzzyPedro Predicts "Armageddon will arise & the earth will be overloaded with [an error occurred while processing this directive] bugs."

Giving Lardlumps a liposuction is a good torture, but the real question is how do we torture Jason?
White Paul thenext1@hotmail.com
Make me listen to country music?  Make me watch figure skating?  Make me watch any Olympic event?  Make me drive a Yugo?  Make me listen to Roseanne complain about all of her past problems?  Oh worse yet, make me do the nasty with Roseanne.  That's probably the most horrid thing you could do to me.
- Jason -
 

Coming soon to Wacky Advice: Howard Stern! When he and Lardboy start getting questions they can put their minds together and it will be as if they have HALF a brain! Oh yeah, have to include a question. Uh, am I pretty?
White Paul thenext1@hotmail.com
Are you using 'pretty' like an adjective or are you using 'pretty' as a pronoun? Coz if you're using it as a pronoun, then I would say, yes, you're 'pretty' disturbing. But if you're using it as an adjective, then I'd have to say, I haven't had enough gin and tonics to answer this question.
- Simian -
 

What is the best way to remove spray paint from my hair?
Bax
Try using a blowtorch and lots of gasoline. That'll take care any issues you have with your hair.
- Simian -
Shave your head.  Then apply a liberal coat of Teflon, and head-butt everyone you pass on the sidewalk.
- Jason -
Use fire - just remember to have a wet towel right next to you, and not soaked with any pee, because pee towels are not very good.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Channel 5? Channel 5? No one in their right mind watches Channel 5 here. It covers all these crappy stories that aren't true, like the U.S. Army invading Ireland. That just wouldn't happen - the Irish would win hands down! Especially when the Commander-In-Chief is a baseball coach. So what are his tactics? Catch the ball, guys, catch the damn ball??
Stanley Tetley
Yeah, I guess the whole Army thing was just a cover up. Air Force One would probably get bombed by the IRA the minute it touched down on Irish soil if the Commander-In-Chief was a ball playing moron anyway. Remember when Ronald Reagan stepped on a leprechaun & he suddenly got Alzheimer's? That was sad.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Okay, it looks like you guys are running my love life now. I got a date with a guy my age (my teacher stopped talking to me after I stuck his head between my tCENSOREDs for some reason) and we're going to see a movie at the IMAX theatre that's opening this Friday. What should I wear? What should we talk about? Should I pay for half, and who should be on top? If you can answer my questions I will be eternally grateful! :)
Lucy
Your teacher may have stopped talking to you because you suffocated him. That's generally not what you want to do.  OK, ladies, tip of the day, when mashing a guy's head betwixt one's hoohas, one should not hold him there indefinitely, especially if a) he's fighting and clawing to get away, and/or b) your hoohas are particularly large. Now Lucy, regarding Friday.  You should wear Saran wrap, fishnet stockings, and 8 inch stiletto high heels. You might want to consider talking about such interesting subjects as: cold fusion and ion propulsion.  Failing that, just make several unmistakable sexual innuendoes.  As far as who should pay, I think that depends on who wants to be on top.
- Jason -
 

I don't like your tone of voice, Mr. Lardlumps! I'm going to cut down your rosebushes! Why do you have to be such a bully?! Your not going to trash Elvis and Jason. You are a wimp!
Guess Who?
I never realized how many people really cared for us until Mr. Lardlumps started working here. So many of you have written to tell us what you want to do to him, and we thank you so very much - but unfortunately we cannot endorse such things on this family oriented web site. Therefore there will be NO disemboweling of ANYONE, NO trimming the Christmas trees with entrails, and the filling of ANY crevices with gunpowder is NOT allowed. We have compiled a brief and disturbing list of things that you would have done to Mr. Lardlumps, if he were still here, which he isn't, and we would appreciate it very much if you would all please extinguish your torches, stop chanting "Torture The Scab" and just go home already! The show's over!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

You guys still missing a monkey?  I have one here you can use in the meantime.  Of course, she can't answer advice questions, nor can she type or even talk -- she just throws feces.
Wild Bill
Sounds just like Simian except she can answer questions, she can type, and she throws empty beer bottles instead of feces.  Oh yeah, and most of her conversation is made up of obscenities. . .
- Jason -
 

Who let the dogs out?
Whinny Hopalong
Simian did, she kicked them out thinking they were Mr. Lardlumps' dogs. They were just a bunch of strays that I saved from being destroyed, but I had a bad allergic reaction to the flea bites & Snackwurst wouldn't approve the health care partisan that I went to. They thought I was just making up the asphyxiation noises to get away from working with that Crappy Stinkbum Lardlumps. Now I finally can breathe again, even though I miss Freidrich. He was a Sheiser. Good doggie.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Oh, sorry <ziiiip>.
- Jason -
 

Three times now I've included the word "Regis" in my question. Three times now you've responded to my questions with the word "beer".  Coincidence?
Wild Bill
Not really.  Everyone knows Regis is a raging alcoholic.  Or was that Ted Kennedy. . .  I dunno, it could have been a coincidence I suppose.
- Jason -
 

How do you make moose plural?
Jennifer
Clone him?
- Jason -
Well, I never passed Biology 101 but I think all you have to do is put them together and let nature take its course.
- Simian -
 

Who exactly is "Big Tad"?  I met a guy on a street corner last week who called himself "Big Ted".  Do you think he knows Big Tad?  Or maybe Elvis knows Big Ted?
Wild Bill
The only Big Ted I know is this guy who killed this girl, spawned very naughty children with his rubbing alcohol drinking wife, and watched as his entire family died around him. Think he's cursed? He's a Democrat.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Why is my cat black?
FLAGG OoFLAGGo0@aol.com
Because kitty would look pretty silly if he was pink, now wouldn't he?
- Simian -
Because it's horribly charred from that grill fire that got out of control.
- Jason -
 

Is the Pope and the Queen Mum really the same person cos I never seen them in the same room together and as well they're old and wont die.
wee girl frecklesthegecko@hotmail.com
Just a minute, I'm changing my light bulb. Your question burnt it out.
- Elvis Shortliver -