Did you ever wonder why they put the word "Off" on a light switch when you can't see it if the light isn't on anyway?

Did you ever wonder how beer came into existence?  Did a bunch of monks find a barrel full of rain soaked barley centuries ago and on a dare drink it?  Same goes for yogurt-who thought it would be tasty to add fruit to spoiled dairy products?

Have you ever actually seen anyone change a burned out street light bulb?  I've seen them burned out, but I've NEVER actually seen anyone change them.  My theory:  Electric companies employ fairies to fly around at night and change street lights when everyone is asleep.  Since nobody's ever confirmed this, I believe that anyone who has ever actually seen a fairy changing a light has been killed by them.

Who invented leather pants?  What weirdo thought it would be a good idea to put processed cowhide against your bare skin and dance around in it?  We don't have whale skin pants or chicken pants, or even pork pants, so why cow?  Who did the cows ever piss off?

Does anybody make a digital camera that uses 5.25" floppy disks?  If you took a really high resolution picture, would you have to insert like 10 floppies?

Wouldn't it be fun if auto manufacturers used organ pipes instead of regular exhaust pipes on cars?  Then when you were in a traffic jam, you could pretend like you were in a huge cathedral and the organist passed out on the keys.

Why are CDs the size they are?  Why not make CDs 5 feet in diameter?  Then you could burn your entire CD collection on one huge freaking disc.  Plus, there'd be a lot more room on the top to label it with all the songs.

When I get bored, I send faxes to companies that build fax machines with the message "Your fax machines suck!  Ours rock!" and I sign it from a competing fax machine manufacturer.

If you put a really bright light underneath a plant and leave it in a room with no windows, will it get confused and grow down?  And what happens when it finally reaches the floor?  Will it freak out and think it grew so much it ran out of sky?

Ok, I think I have recently lost my ability to be funny. What happened, and how can I get my sense of humor back?
Robwerto
That's funny Robwerto, I hardly noticed. First, you should identify what FUNNY is. Watch that Victor Borge tape that you had your mom buy from that TV ad. Throw on that Joe Piscopo LP stored in your cellar. Read some of our archives, anything that will make you say "ENOUGH!" - and if none of those atrocities help clarify what is or isn't FUNNY then I'll shoot myself with a potato gun, just for you.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Do I enjoy mayonaise?
m00k
About as much as you enjoy getting stabbed repeatedly in the eye with a fork. Which is to say, yes, you like mayonnaise. Very much.
- Simian -
 

What is the purpose of Caffeine Free Mountain Dew?
Wild Bill
It's kinda like fat free lard, low calorie sugar, and hydrogen free water.  I believe people do it just to see if they can, regardless of whether there's a use for it.  I hear Caffeine free Mountain Dew makes good anti-freeze in a pinch.  It figures it would since it looks just like it.
- Jason -
According to their website, "Doing the "Dew" is like no other soft drink experience because of its daring, high-energy, high-intensity, active, extreme circus taste. I'd stay away from it if I were you, though I suspect SOME of the visitors here have already been tempted by it's sweet taste of caged animal droppings, and that's a tragedy.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Does anyone ever call Simian, "Sim-Sim" ? Or Jason "Jay Jay?" or Elvis "El-El"? I think that would be funny.
Lucy
Reason #6172 as to why Lucy shouldn’t be allowed to think.
- Simian -
 Not to my knowledge, though we do sometimes call Simian "Screechy", Elvis "Hairball", and they sometimes call me "Glowstick".
- Jason -
 

I wanna web site just like yours!
Annoyin'Man
I just want to let you know that you're really not that annoying, Annoyin' Man. Heck, we've been called ALOT of horrible things over the years, many of which never make it to this website. You could change your style, but then we probly wouldn't post your questions, so maybe you should simply change your name? Something like "Jealous Man" works fine, or "Captain Envy" works well too. I would also reccommend "Head Full Of Crap Man" but that's not nice & we really don't want to deterr you.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Is it true that red cars go fastest? Wouldn't a blue car with a GT stripe and a foxtail go faster?
OzzyPedro
When it comes to fast cars there is only one proven fact: fuzzy dice. Hang these babies on your rearview mirror and you’ll be outrunning the police in no time. Not that we advocate that sort of thing around here or anything.
- Simian -
Possibly, but an orange car with a scud missile strapped onto the trunk would go even faster!
- Jason -
 

Where can a guy get a bite to eat 'round here?
Big Bird
Well, I could state the obvious by pointing out that Mr. Hooper's Store is right over there. Just watch out for the big blue glutton that goes by the moniker of Cookie Monster. I ran into him once at Clownie's Meat Sandwich Shop in the restroom, and man, I swear he eats zoo food. I mean, come on! Do you know what I'm talking about??
- Elvis Shortliver -
I think we've got some stale marshmallows and a half-eaten jar of peanut butter in the broom closet.  Bon Apetite!
- Jason -
 

Does God Exsist? And If So,Who Invented Him?  (Hooray For Cheesus)
The Retards In Row 7
Cheesus! I love Cheesus. Snackwurst doesn’t sell them anymore after that one kid thought he could fly and strapped a jet engine to his back and ignited it while standing in the La Brea Tar Pits. I think they only recovered a few fingers, but hey I’m not responsible for the hallucinogenic quality of Snackwurst’s snack treats. Heck that was one of the reasons I loved them. Who knew stale, cardboard box puffs covered in rancid cheese could be so good and put you into drug-induced paranoia?
- Simian -
 Hold on, let me check...
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

It's Thanksgiving. Who's going to carve the turkey? Do you let the monkey hold sharp knives?
Danny
Knives?  Who uses a knife to carve a turkey?  Here at Wackyadvice, we use a chainsaw.  Every year, I don the traditional turkey carving hockey mask and fire up "the saw".  Simian and Elvis handle the deep frying--well, Elvis does anyway, Simian usually passes out midway through.  One year she peed in the stuffing mix...
- Jason -
“I don’t care how you do it. Sink the Bismarck.”
- Simian Churchill -
 

you are all imbeciles.
Tell us something that we DIDN'T know. I'm practically retarded.
- Elvis Shortliver -
You forgot to call us "Big fat doody heads" and "Cootie monsters" as well.  I mean, if you're going to trash us, at least put forth a little effort.  None of this half-ass non-specific single sentence junk, get creative.  Oh, and by the way, "you are all imbeciles" isn't really a question but I commend you for the fact that your sentence is grammatically correct, and your punctuation is accurate (though you did forget to capitalize so I had to deduct a point).
- Jason -
 

What kind of idiots ask rhetorical questions?
freeedr
I’d answer this question, but I think it’s rhetorical
- Simian -
 

Did you know that deep down, my feelings really get hurt when my questions don't get answered?  I need help here, and you guys just aren't delivering.  I THOUGHT I COULD COUNT ON YOU!
Lady Sasami
Well, you can count up to 10 on me. . .oh wait, actually. . .11.
- Jason -
All you have to do to fix it is vote "Dubya" out of office, get another Democratic president who likes to laugh & have a good time, isn't going to scare off the towelheads, and likes to do incredibly bizarre things with monkeys & aliens (but NOT humans with white afros!!) - then maybe some of that "war money" that SnackWurst has been funded can be rerouted to US, then we can get paid again & everyone will be happy! Woohoo!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Who is freeedr? Doesn't it realize that *I* am the original questioner whose name ends in dr? I'll sue for trademark infringement! Will you guys testify at the trial?
q0dr
Given enough Scotch, Vicodin, Demerol, Gin, Jim Beam, and Percocet I’ll testify that freeedr was on the grassy knoll in Dallas in a rather compromising position with Barney the Dinosaur. And if you throw in the rest of the items found in Winona Ryder’s purse, I’ll even hand you a human kidney on a plate. Of course, my testimony hinges on whether or not I’m conscious.
- Simian -
 

Why are apartments so expensive? What can't I just have a really nice place to live for free? I deserve it!
q0dr
You can stay in our crawlspace for free if you don't mind living with creatures that have glowing pink eyes and long batlike ears.  We call them "Snugglepuffs".
- Jason -
Yeah well you can't have MY house! Finders Keepers!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

I work my hands to the bone to put food on the table for you, and all you ever do is answer a few questions every couple of weeks. When are you going to start pulling your weight around here? Seriously, I have some rugs that need take out and beaten. I mean, cripes, the dishes are sky high. And don't think you're going to be going out with the boys again tonight!!!
Boo Radley
It’s Wild Brazilian Monkey night out at the VFW Boo and, you know that that means: Free Intravenous Booze! And darn it! Those dishes better be done by the time I get back or you’re going to be in serious trouble! I’m talking about you going back in to the wooden box, boy. And I won’t feed you this time either. Now get back to work Cinderella and make sure that there’s plenty of beer in the refrigerator.
- Simian -
 

What's YOUR excuse?
Llarson
I had too many cranberry juice and vodkas at the office party then got confused on the way to the bathroom and peed on the wall.
- Jason -
 

So, I worked with these english guys on a carpentry job a while back. They were talking all british-accenty, and, through misinterpretations of spoken words ('coz, y'know, it's hard to understand a thick cockney accent...feel me?), we ended up screwing up the project and installing crooked balsa-wood drawers. Anyway, during the various conversations I had with them, one of them mentioned that they came to america on a boat they built by themselves. One of the guys they were coming over with got his entire arm impaled with a giant piece of rubarb when he was releaving himself off the side of the boat. Could someone please explain how, when urinating, one gets their arm impaled by a giant piece of rubarb,,,on a boat...in the middle of the sea? What dynamics cause that?
Shmiley
Are you sure that's not one of the lyrics to "What Shall We Do With A Drunken Sailor" Shmiley? Because I remember singing something like that at Simian's birthday party. Her family found the lyrics shocking, yet intriguing.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Should I wrap myself up as a present for Santa? Or do you think he has enough elves?
Hempy
There was this one time that we drugged Mr. Lardlumps, wrapped him in shiny paper, put a big bow on top of his scabby head and mailed him out to Santa. About a day later, the mailman returned him to us because we didn’t have the correct postage on him. Boy was he mad when he regained consciousness! Moral of this story – make sure you have enough stamps.
- Simian -
There simply isn't enough paper to wrap you up this year, Hempy. Mr. Lardlumps tends to buy us all a whole bunch of cheap crap that we don't need and wraps up each item seperately to make it look like he spent his entire Medicare check on us. Besides, who wants to hang out with a bunch of smelly elves anyway.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Will it ever be a wonderfull night for a moondance?
shmiley
Are we referring to that type of line dance where everyone pulls their pants half-way down?
- Jason -
 

What?
FLAGG
The word most commonly used by FLAGG each and every time he wakes his accident-prone hinder up in the ICU.
- Simian -