 Are
you guys back? Or are you just getting me and Tori Amos's hopes up again?
I missed you guys :(
Lucy
We missed
all you guys too. That's kind of why we decided to fight against
all the odds and win the lawsuit even if it meant our legal representation
was a drunken marmoset. We would have probably settled the suit sooner,
but the monkey puked on the judge's bench, and then Elvis started laughing
so hard he peed his pants, and I spontaneously emitted large doses of radiation
and killed everyone in the first three rows.
- Jason
-
Finally!
Recognition for all of our hard work! Hopefully Tori Amos will also get
the hint & do what she was destined to do: drop the lame side-show
& start apologizing to the public. Christmas is the time for the out
of tune to shut the hell up.
- Elvis
Shortliver -
 Mr.
Bob is now back in business! And my question is: What is my business? Please
tell me or I will get quite irate!
Mr.
Bob
You
better watch out
You
better not cough
Santa
is coming and he's pretty pissed off
Santa
is your daddy now
He sees
you when you sell crack
He knows
when you're in jail
He knows
you owe him money
So he's
going to kick your tail
So.....
You
better be good
Better
give him liquor
You
think you can outrun him
But
Fat Boy is quicker
Santa
is your daddy now
- Simian
-
Your mom?
Whinny
Hopalong
Mommy?
- Jason
- |
WACKYFACT:
On
Xramulatz, Jason's home planet,
there is no
Christmas. However, they do celebrate
the holiday
where the guy strapped a tree to his ass
and went into
orbit. |
 Is
this a dream? I mean, is this real or isn't it? Is this the
return of the site? Am I only having a scary nightmare? Is wrestling
real? Is this thing on my neck contagious? If it wasn't for
sour cream what would we do with chives? Which one's Kate and which
one's Allie?
Wild
Bill
Woah,
Woah, Wild Bill! SLOW DOWN! Sheesh! We NEVER promised answers, only advice,
and judging from the non-stop flow of free thought that spewed out just
before you hit the send button, the best advice I can give to you is to
stay away from the following: card sharks, jungle gyms, do-it-yourself
medical books, reality tv, & "the difficult." Maybe you should try
something more even-keeled to do until you finally admit yourself to the
loony bin, like dressing up as Santa & waving to folks driving on the
freeway, and no throwing snowballs at the cars!
- Elvis
Shortliver -
 Alright!
free shotguns for everyone! give 2 to the monkey!!!!! alright, boys, were
outta here! YA!!!!!
boo
radley lover of all animals
Two
double-barreled shotguns for me? Gosh that really is extra special of you
Boo! I think I'll go target practicing – after I finish off this gallon
of Triple sec, Crown Royal, chocolate syrup and Peanut Butter Schnapps.
Then I'm going elf hunting! Boo ya!
- Simian
-
Jason? It's mom. Could you
pick up a carton of plutonium on your way back though Zaxthameta II? Thanks
honey.
Mamma
X
Wait
a minute! My “mom” always liked Americium 241, she wouldn't just
suddenly start using Plutonium. You're an impostor!
- Jason
-
Can I ask some questions
now? Is Simian walking upright yet? Has Jason been sending telepathic messages
to Mullah Omar? Is Elvis related to Vladimir Putin?
OzzyPedro
I see
I don't have to ask what YOU'VE been doing for the last 6 months...
- Elvis
Shortliver - |
WACKYFACT:
Elvis
likes to snort dryer lint. He's especially fond of the variety that's
produced when laundry is done using Tide hypo-allergenic which renders
the lint less likely to cause an asthmatic response. |
Ok,
so I'm riding in my rickshaw down 1-90 and a man says to me: "Where can
I purchase a lb. of eyeball juice?", so I pull out my p.c. (pocket computer)
and ask you this question.... here goes: What are rainbows made of? And
why does my cat insist on calling me Doosa?
llarson
I think
the cat and Santa have been spending a little too much time with the elves,
if you know what I'm saying here. You do? Good, because I don't. Now who
irradiated the Jeagermiester eggnog-flavored cheese dip? Jason?!
- Simian
-
 What
happened to Jason's parents? I can imagine 2 little monkeys doing lines
and shooting heroin, and greaseball puffheaded numbheads who actually had
enough brainpower to reproduce, but Jason's ancestry is a complete mystery
to me.
Mr.
Bob
From
a technical sense, I don't really have parents per se. I was the
end result of hybridization between DNA from a Panda, a Bumblebee, and
Michael J. Fox. I'm sure the bumblebee is long since dead, the panda
is probably in a zoo somewhere munching on bamboo and carrots, and Michael
J. Fox is doing quite well for himself though he refuses to pay any child
support to me.
- Jason
-
Are
you guys still hiding?
Guido
Yeah,
but my cell phone keeps ringing coz I joined the psychic friend's network,
so we're on the move again. Lucky I got that unlimited roaming access -
I'd be in real trouble without my psychic friends Jambalaya, Glinda The
Good Witch, and the Ghosts of Christmas Past & Future.
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Oh you
bet! This is the time of the year that that creepy Santa Claus guy loads
up his ‘magic’ 67 Chevy and rides into the ‘hood with his weapons of mass
destruction! Beware kids! This fat communist has been spying on all of
us via orbital satellites and phone taps all year. He's guilty of breaking
and entering and he's been scaring kids into collective conformity for
centuries! Aside from the fact that he has midgets working for him, this
guy is one scary fat man with wicked high cholesterol.
- Simian
-
 See,
the other day I broke out my 1943 blue kazoo and was jammin to some heavy
kazoo-metal shiznit when my kazoo sputtered and broke. I heard from a reliable
source that you, Jason have a magical silver kazoo of all things good and
holy (trademark of Whammo). I was wondering if you could loan it to me?
How 'bout if I throw in this pennywhistle and a prancing german named Hans???
robwerto
Ummm,
that's not a kazoo. . .
- Jason
-
A
few questions: 1. Can I sugest a slogan for your site? 2. (If answer is
yes) How 'bout... Porfessional Advice, it's where the IS is.? Or "Come
see it for the first time twice" ? Maybee "Wacky Advice.... you can breathe
underwater..... really.... try it...". I've got one more.... one word "Shanknasty".
Eh?
robwerto
Hey,
I kinda like that. Yes! Yes, those are GREAT!! Or better yet, how about
we just keep our slogan, and you go wait for Santa Claus to come? Umm,
wait over THERE. Way over there, under the lawn ornaments.
- Elvis
Shortliver -
Why do the lawn gnomes have
chain saw hands? Can I tape explosives to their head and let er rip? Or
is that an un-ethical thing to do.... I say screw ethics. It's gypped me
all my freekin' life.
dr.
me
Word
of advice: never burn your abridges. Thank you.
- Simian
- |
WACKYFACT:
Simian is particularly fond of AfterShock
liqueur which is the only known substance to produce the euphoric feeling
she previously experienced from volcanic burning banana trees in her native
volcanic South American habitat. |
well
well well.... a little spot to ask a question.... gosh it's been so long
i don't know if i remember how..... let's see.... here it goes..... here
it is.. Welcome Back!!!.... wait that's not a question.... let me try again...
Are you welcome back?
FLAGG
Strangely,
Elvis has on several occasions been compared to Gabe Kaplan of Welcome
Back Kotter. I myself have been likened to most of the Sweathogs,
well if they were short, green, and hairless.
- Jason
-
Did
Jesus make any music videos? Why haven't I seen them?
boo
radley
Because
you don't want to, that's why. I once saw one of Christ's supposed ‘music’
videos and I have to say that it was shear torture. Sure this guy is worshiped
by tons of people, but whoever told him he could sing must have been tone
deaf. Throughout the whole thing, I was just praying for that overdose
of Dramamine to put me into a sweet, sweet coma. And not even a ½
gallon of Sambuca can wash away the nightmares. *shudder*
- Simian
-
Oh,
come on! He made a whole rock opera, for christ's sake! Jeez, where've
you been hiding? A cave in Afghanistan? Damn! Did Jesus make any music
videos...
- Elvis
Shortliver -
|
