Mr. Bob is now back in business! And my question is: What is my business? Please tell me or I will get quite irate!
Mr. Bob
You better watch out
You better not cough
Santa is coming and he's pretty pissed off
Santa is your daddy now
He sees you when you sell crack
He knows when you're in jail
He knows you owe him money
So he's going to kick your tail
So.....
You better be good
Better give him liquor
You think you can outrun him
But Fat Boy is quicker
Santa is your daddy now
- Simian -
 
 

Your mom? Whinny Hopalong Mommy? - Jason -

WACKYFACT: On Xramulatz, Jason's home planet, there is no Christmas. However, they do celebrate the holiday where the guy strapped a tree to his ass and went into orbit.

Is this a dream?  I mean, is this real or isn't it?  Is this the return of the site?  Am I only having a scary nightmare? Is wrestling real?  Is this thing on my neck contagious?  If it wasn't for sour cream what would we do with chives?  Which one's Kate and which one's Allie?
Wild Bill
Woah, Woah, Wild Bill! SLOW DOWN! Sheesh! We NEVER promised answers, only advice, and judging from the non-stop flow of free thought that spewed out just before you hit the send button, the best advice I can give to you is to stay away from the following: card sharks, jungle gyms, do-it-yourself medical books, reality tv, & "the difficult." Maybe you should try something more even-keeled to do until you finally admit yourself to the loony bin, like dressing up as Santa & waving to folks driving on the freeway, and no throwing snowballs at the cars!
- Elvis Shortliver -
 

Alright! free shotguns for everyone! give 2 to the monkey!!!!! alright, boys, were outta here! YA!!!!!
boo radley lover of all animals
Two double-barreled shotguns for me? Gosh that really is extra special of you Boo! I think I'll go target practicing – after I finish off this gallon of Triple sec, Crown Royal, chocolate syrup and Peanut Butter Schnapps. Then I'm going elf hunting! Boo ya!
- Simian -
 

Jason? It's mom. Could you pick up a carton of plutonium on your way back though Zaxthameta II? Thanks honey.
Mamma X
Wait a minute!  My “mom” always liked Americium 241, she wouldn't just suddenly start using Plutonium.  You're an impostor!
- Jason -
 
 

Can I ask some questions now? Is Simian walking upright yet? Has Jason been sending telepathic messages to Mullah Omar? Is Elvis related to Vladimir Putin?  OzzyPedro I see I don't have to ask what YOU'VE been doing for the last 6 months... - Elvis Shortliver -

WACKYFACT: Elvis likes to snort dryer lint.  He's especially fond of the variety that's produced when laundry is done using Tide hypo-allergenic which renders the lint less likely to cause an asthmatic response.

Ok, so I'm riding in my rickshaw down 1-90 and a man says to me: "Where can I purchase a lb. of eyeball juice?", so I pull out my p.c. (pocket computer) and ask you this question.... here goes: What are rainbows made of? And why does my cat insist on calling me Doosa?
llarson
I think the cat and Santa have been spending a little too much time with the elves, if you know what I'm saying here. You do? Good, because I don't. Now who irradiated the Jeagermiester eggnog-flavored cheese dip? Jason?! 
- Simian -
 

What happened to Jason's parents? I can imagine 2 little monkeys doing lines and shooting heroin, and greaseball puffheaded numbheads who actually had enough brainpower to reproduce, but Jason's ancestry is a complete mystery to me.
Mr. Bob
From a technical sense, I don't really have parents per se.  I was the end result of hybridization between DNA from a Panda, a Bumblebee, and Michael J. Fox.  I'm sure the bumblebee is long since dead, the panda is probably in a zoo somewhere munching on bamboo and carrots, and Michael J. Fox is doing quite well for himself though he refuses to pay any child support to me.
- Jason -
 

Are you guys still hiding?
Guido
Yeah, but my cell phone keeps ringing coz I joined the psychic friend's network, so we're on the move again. Lucky I got that unlimited roaming access - I'd be in real trouble without my psychic friends Jambalaya, Glinda The Good Witch, and the Ghosts of Christmas Past & Future.
- Elvis Shortliver -
Oh you bet! This is the time of the year that that creepy Santa Claus guy loads up his ‘magic’ 67 Chevy and rides into the ‘hood with his weapons of mass destruction! Beware kids! This fat communist has been spying on all of us via orbital satellites and phone taps all year. He's guilty of breaking and entering and he's been scaring kids into collective conformity for centuries! Aside from the fact that he has midgets working for him, this guy is one scary fat man with wicked high cholesterol. 
- Simian -
 

See, the other day I broke out my 1943 blue kazoo and was jammin to some heavy kazoo-metal shiznit when my kazoo sputtered and broke. I heard from a reliable source that you, Jason have a magical silver kazoo of all things good and holy (trademark of Whammo). I was wondering if you could loan it to me? How 'bout if I throw in this pennywhistle and a prancing german named Hans???
robwerto
Ummm, that's not a kazoo. . .
- Jason -
 

A few questions: 1. Can I sugest a slogan for your site? 2. (If answer is yes) How 'bout... Porfessional Advice, it's where the IS is.? Or "Come see it for the first time twice" ? Maybee "Wacky Advice.... you can breathe underwater..... really.... try it...". I've got one more.... one word "Shanknasty". Eh?
robwerto
Hey, I kinda like that. Yes! Yes, those are GREAT!! Or better yet, how about we just keep our slogan, and you go wait for Santa Claus to come? Umm, wait over THERE. Way over there, under the lawn ornaments.
- Elvis Shortliver -
 
 
 

Why do the lawn gnomes have chain saw hands? Can I tape explosives to their head and let er rip? Or is that an un-ethical thing to do.... I say screw ethics. It's gypped me all my freekin' life. dr. me Word of advice: never burn your abridges. Thank you. - Simian -

WACKYFACT: Simian is particularly fond of AfterShock liqueur which is the only known substance to produce the euphoric feeling she previously experienced from volcanic burning banana trees in her native volcanic South American habitat.

well well well.... a little spot to ask a question.... gosh it's been so long i don't know if i remember how..... let's see.... here it goes..... here it is.. Welcome Back!!!.... wait that's not a question.... let me try again... Are you welcome back?
FLAGG
Strangely, Elvis has on several occasions been compared to Gabe Kaplan of Welcome Back Kotter.  I myself have been likened to most of the Sweathogs, well if they were short, green, and hairless.
- Jason -
 

Did Jesus make any music videos? Why haven't I seen them?
boo radley
Because you don't want to, that's why. I once saw one of Christ's supposed ‘music’ videos and I have to say that it was shear torture. Sure this guy is worshiped by tons of people, but whoever told him he could sing must have been tone deaf. Throughout the whole thing, I was just praying for that overdose of Dramamine to put me into a sweet, sweet coma. And not even a ½ gallon of Sambuca can wash away the nightmares. *shudder*
- Simian -
Oh, come on! He made a whole rock opera, for christ's sake! Jeez, where've you been hiding? A cave in Afghanistan? Damn! Did Jesus make any music videos...
- Elvis Shortliver -