 Father
Porter
Father Porter. Oh
let’s face it: this piece of Z grade celluloid absurdity should have been
called Father Pooper. Where do I begin? Father Ruggy McDew is a bad priest.
A bad, bad priest. Oh no, not like an evil priest or a Michael Jackson
type priest or anything. He’s just a crappy priest. He can’t remember his
sermons, falls asleep at the alter, nearly drowns children he’s trying
to christen and forgets to put his pants on for days at a time. Oh and
did I mention that he’s a little insane? Well he is. When the Pope, played
here with stunning conviction by a week old corpse, comes to visit, a really
drunk Father McDew vomits on the crusty old invalid. Not too good for his
career as a cleric. And what kind of an Irish guy is he that he can’t hold
his liquor? After deciding that he wants to wear the Pope’s pointy hat,
McDew runs off with all the Pope’s luggage. He is subsequently fired. This
doesn’t sit well with McDew who plans sweet revenge by way of cheese grating
alter boys to death and throwing Pop Rocks in the holy water. It’s a massive,
bloody, death-fest where churches fill with blood and internal organs and
McDew dances on the severed heads of nuns. I actually liked this movie.
Bugger Sloghapner portrays McDew as an unsympathetic moron with a really
annoying lisp. And if you look really carefully, you can spot a quick cameo
by Snaggletooth as the baby Jesus.
 Night
Of The Bowel Blast
Oh crap! Another
poop movie? Who thinks feces is scary? Well, I guess if you’re Elvis Presley
or Mickey Rooney a trip to the hopper can be a terrifying experience. And
in Presley’s case a fatal one. Anyway, we open this movie with a scene
from a trailer park. Did you expect anything less? I mean, this is a movie
about crap. Where else would it be filmed? Beverly Hills? Oh like all those
movie stars actually use the bathroom! Hells no! They have assistants poop
for them. Talk about a crappy job - pun intended. Okay, back to the movie:
this trailer park is obviously in the deep south. Again, you expect different?
Corky Bottomfat plays Erp, an unemployed mattress tester and harmonica
player who discovers something amiss in the trailer park when he goes to
pick up his girlfriend/cousin/aunt Groggle, portrayed here with amazing
stupidity and idiocy by Ugh Muslex, an unconvincing female impersonator.
Apparently the toilet in Groggle's trailer has been clogged for days and
he/she/it has had to pee in his/her/its neighbor's bushes for three weeks.
That’s really not a pretty sight. But at least he/she/it can do it standing
up. When it turns out that his/her/its toilet is not the only one affected,
Erp can no longer blame Groggle for using too much paper. As it turns out
a giant, sentient piece of crap (let me just say I laughed as I typed that
sentence) has taken over the septic systems of the trailer park in a misguided
attempt to rule the world. Gross and completely unnecessary, this movie
has some truly ugly scenes in it. The final scenes are both violent and
filled with lots and lots of feces. I don’t think that’s a good combination,
even in a trailer park.
 The
Silence Of The Assh_le
He’s a shaved chimp
and his name is Dubya. Normally I like chimps - take Chim Chim for example.
He was semi-cool hiding out in Speed Racer’s trunk in every single episode
of that cartoon. What he was doing with Spridel is another matter and I
simply refuse to believe those awful tabloid rumors about those two. Anyway,
Dubya is a convicted felon, cocaine addict, and general blithering idiot
who bought his way out of going to prison and went AWOL from the National
Guard (having never served a day). So since Dubya is so incredibly inept
at everything he does, he decides to run for public office. He buys the
Supreme Court and has them make him president. If that’s not chilling enough,
he proceeds to urinate on members of Congress, shave his back hair in the
Oval Office, poop in the shoes of the UN President and drink lighter fluid
and Mr. Bubble during press conferences. All in all he’s a typical US President.
Well, aside from the fact he’s a pinhead who can’t read his own native
language let alone speak it properly. Then Michael Moore shows up and all
hell breaks loose. This movie is utterly frightening in it’s portrayal
of a chimp bent on shaving himself bald and ruling the world. And while
we’re never really sure of why he needs to shear his hirsute self into
glossy pinkness, it does become clear that Dubya’s massive ego is playing
a bigger role in this film than he is. This movie proves that time and
time again, one doesn’t need brains, just a whole lot of money. Now that’s
really scary.
 Gamera
vs. Squirtle
Gamera and Squirtle
are friends until one day Squirtle gets a six-figure deal from a Japanese
company to become their latest spokes turtle for Hikura Ishiban Hiromashi
Yummy Tasting Brain and Kidney Flavored Candy! ™ Mmmmm! Kidney! This doesn’t
sit well with Gamera who just lost a major deal for Great Aunt Kiriko’s
Fish Eyes TV Dinners. Feeling he has been slighted and not liking his has-been
status, Gamera pops a cerebral membrane and tears up downtown Tokyo. After
roasting quite a few Japanese boys in tight pants, Gamera proceeds to flame
the Japanese country side turning hapless victims into ashy remnants of
humanity. The makers of Hikura Ishiban Hiromashi Yummy Tasting Brain and
Kidney Flavored Candy! ™ ask Squirtle not to intervene as any bad press
might make their product difficult to sell in the US. Oh like bad press
would make a difference. Damn, the Japanese will eat anything. I mean,
if it still has a pulse and it blinks occasionally, put it on a plate with
some garnish. Because over there the more bizarre the item the cooler it
is to consume it with Sake. Damn. Well, Squirtle heeds this advice and
goes to Monster Island to rally some other monsters to pick up the slack
and get Gamera back on his meds. King Hedra, Rodan, Charmander, Pikachu,
and Mothra all choose to sit this one out, stating clauses in their contracts
and Godzilla just has too many public appearances to make that week so
he’s out as well. The best Squirtle can do is dredge up Godzuki, the Yoko
Ono of Monster Island, in a sad attempt to force feed Gamera some Prozac.
Needless to say Godzuki fails miserably. As miserably as David Hasslehoff’s
US singing career. So against the advice of the Hikura Ishiban Hiromashi
Yummy Tasting Brain and Kidney Flavored Candy! ™ people, Squirtle decides
to take on his turtle friend. A harrowing battle ensues in which Tokyo
is burnt to the ground and the bones of ill-mannered Japanese children
are strewn about like the thousands of empty bags of potato chips at Anna
Nicole Smith’s house. When Gamera gets Squirtle in a full Nelson it looks
as if all is lost. But then, in typical Japanese it-makes-no-sense movie
endings, Gamera and Squirtle make up, become friends again then the both
obliterate the island of Japan. After that, it’s Miller Time. For me that
is.
 Torgo's
Knishes: The Return Of Manos
“The Master will
be pleased.” Well not really. See, the Master is busy watching the lame-ass
cat fight and turning dogs inside out. Don’t ask why, because I just don’t
know. I think it has something to do with his hand fetish, but I’m still
pretty unclear on the whole thing. And I’m not sure I can sit through the
whole movie again. But back to Torgo. This deformed, giant-thighed, stuttering
misfit has been living under his mother’s car since the Master set his
hand on fire and threw his filthy, lice-infested hinder out into the desert.
But since even his own mother hates him, Torgo finds he must cut his hair
and get a real job. This is difficult for Torgo given that he doesn’t bathe,
he smells like days old bean burritos and he twitches more than Katherine
Hepburn doped up on caffeine. So Torgo decides to start his own business
selling knishes on the side of the road in the small, sleepy desert town
of Pigslop. But these aren’t ordinary knishes. No, these are ‘special’
knishes made by Torgo’s own loving hand. Torgo painstakingly makes each
knish with the sweat off of his own back - literally. And back hair. And
toenail clippings. And all other manner of things that make me queasy just
thinking about. So its no wonder that his customers start turning up dead.
Of course because Torgo is a deformed freak and a pervert, he is naturally
suspected to be the culprit. Go figure. The populous of Pigslop rally to
rid themselves of Torgo and his unsavory and unsanitary knishes. Will Torgo
get his other hand burnt off? Will he ever be able to put on a dress and
fight like the rest of the girls? Is he drunk or does he just like to lay
in his own puke? All these questions and more are answered in this disturbing
sequel. And check out the haunting soundtrack by the Burning Kells.
 The
Day Ted Williams Froze
One day Ted Williams
died. His children bickered over what to do with poor old dead dad. One
wanted him cremated. She loved her dad. The other wanted to have his father’s
corpse beheaded then have head and body cryogenically preserved in different
containers so that 8 thousand years from now when everyone he ever knew
was long dead, Ted Williams could be thawed out and have his head reattached.
Guess who won the legal battle? And guess who’s reanimated corpse broke
out of cryogenics to take his revenge? This movie is terrifying on so many
levels. Having a headless stiff searching for it’s cranium and all of it’s
MVP awards is scary enough, having it try out for, and win a spot on, the
Boston Red Sox is another matter entirely. And hell, if he had played during
the series against the Yankees this year, maybe the headless corpse of
Ted Williams would have gotten the Red Sox to the World Series. Hey you
never know. But I’m digressing. Ted Williams the cadaver rides the subway
to Fenway everyday, all the while spilling formaldehyde and chewing tobacco
all over the other occupants of the Green Line. And, since most corpses,
even preserved ones, carry things like cholera and diphtheria, Williams
bloated, crystallized carcass begins to infect the denizens who ride the
MBTA with all manner of horrible diseases. And suddenly there are freshly
bloated corpses piling up on the subway platforms and in the train cars.
It’s grizzly. Finally Boston Mayor Tom Menino steps in. Speaking like he
has a million marbles stuffed in his yapper Menino begs the idiot Williams
children to get dear old dad back to the cryogenics lab and take his cooties
with him. When that fails he goes to Ted the Cadaver himself and asks the
corpse, politely of course, to get his flu shots and stop stuffing chewing
tobacco into his exposed jugular vein. Will this monster agree? And how
about that sweet deal Menino offers Williams involving a job working on
the freeway tunnel named after Williams himself? And so it is that the
propped up, headless and sub-zero remains of Ted Williams is taking your
money at the tollbooth for the Ted Williams Tunnel. He waves occasionally
and says via electronic voice box “Thanks for driving through my tunnel!
Now get the hell out!” This movie is based on real events and stars Ted
Williams, as his beheaded self, Mr. Lardlumps as Tom Menino, and Dr Phil
as Ted Kennedy.
 Battle
Of The Sour Balls
One would think
with a title like this Mr. Lardlumps would be in a starring role. Alas,
he is nowhere to be seen in this movie. However Jason X is. Playing an
evil extraterrestrial candy maker who wants to drain Earth of it’s supply
of beer and beef jerky, Jason X crafts what is one of his best performances
since “I Was a Teenage Michael J. Fox.” and “Breakfast at Mitchell’s”.
Jason is Dr. Doodle Nugumby PhD. A creepy little fellow from Alpha Centauri
who likes to roll around in raw squid and light yapping dogs on fire with
his mind, Nugumby hides out in the sewers and make ill-tasting candy meant
to suck the brains out of those people fool enough to consume it. Nugumby
calls it Brain Sucking Candy and gets a huge deal with Hershey to distribute
it worldwide. Enter Zoogle Hamdinger, a fetching goat herder played by
Elvis Shortliver. Hamdinger stumbles onto Nugumby’s plan only after getting
locked in a public restroom over night and writing a masterpiece poem about
cumberbuns on the wall in crayon. Since Hamdinger has an IQ of roughly
85, he really has no idea what Nugumby is planning, however the Brain Sucking
Candy also doesn’t work on him, making him the only person able to stop
the malicious Nugumby and his vile plans. Can Hamdinger save the world?
Maybe, but he has to figure a way out of the restroom first. And what about
his skillful poetry? Great acting in this one as seen in the chilling ‘letter
writing’ scene in which Nugumby pens a (literally) poisonous letter to
one of his above ground neighbors whose incisively barking dog is making
his candy lose it’s evil stickiness. The special effects are top rate too:
never before has raw squid looked so shiny and moist. One can almost smell
the salt wafting off it’s leathery exterior. And check out the small, non-speaking
role by Bud Uggly as an armadillo farmer in Wisconsin. This movie is not
to be missed!
 Hercules
Against The Mormon Tabernacle Choir
One of them is a
strong guy who can kick the collective hinders of the Greek gods. The others
are a group of squishy, pale and doughy-gutted pansy waists who sing like
girls even though, genetically, they aren’t. You’d think this was a cut
and dry fight, now wouldn’t you? Not so fast, sister. Turns out those Mormons
are a swift and cunning lot. I guess they’d have to be seeing as they’re
inbreeding felons. But I kid felons. And just how did the Mormon Tabernacle
Choir meet up with ancient Greek legend Hercules, you ask? Well, enter
mad (aren’t they all?) scientist Xippy Vibblehop, portrayed by none other
than Simian T. Marmoset. It’s a role made even more disturbing and brilliant
by the sheer fact that I was so completely doped up on morphine, Vicodin
and Canadian whisky that I was passed out for most of the film. Anyway,
Xippy was once a well-respected quantum physicist who created a quantum
singularity using only one of her hair clips, a roll of duct tape and a
shoestring. Her jealous colleagues, wanting to get their grimy mitts on
her data, tried to kill her by slipping large amounts of sodium chloride
in her vodka. Okay, so maybe her colleagues weren’t that bright, which
would explain a few things. Anyway, after being discredited for an incident
involving a dozen thumb tacks and her bosses chair, Vibblehop continues
her work in an underground lab which just so happens to be directly under
a Mormon church. Too bad for the Mormons. But there’s like a million of
them anyway, so who’ll really miss a few dozen? Vibblehop is successful
in opening up a dimensional portal wherein she accidentally teleports the
mighty Hercules into this reality. When Hercules, as stupid as you’d expect
him to be, escapes from the lab he’s greeted by the girly Mormons. He then
proceeds to chew gum and kick ass. Except he has no gum. But don’t count
those religious fanatics out yet! Filmed entirely within 8 hours in the
Snackwurst parking lot and directed by Doquil Blab, a circus clown who’s
been stuck in the ‘little car’ for 14 years, this movie dares to give us
such atmospheric shots as random actor’s feet, nose close-ups and lots
and lots of pavement. This movie is terrifying enough to make you drink.
Or if your like me, you’ve been drinking all day anyway, so why stop for
the movie?
 This
Is Islam, Jerks!
Once there was a
poor little boy named Ari Fat. He lived in a rundown housing project that
had no running water or heat. Across the street, another young little boy,
by the name of Shar On, lived in splendor and affluence. Not content with
that, Shar On came over to Ari Fat’s house and took everything Ari and
his family owned. Then Shar On kicked the family out and bulldozed their
crappy apartment building into rubble. After that this movie lost me. I
know that there are lots of camels in this movie and tons and tons of sand.
Tons of sand. Oh and some other greedy little boy by the name of Georgie
shows up and makes things worse by peeing his pants and crying a lot. I
think Ari gets legions of deranged mental patients to strap explosives
to their camels and blow each other up, but again, I really have no idea
what the hell it was all about. The movie boasts some wonderful special
effects like sand being blown to the east, then sand being blown to the
west. There was so much sand in this movie I felt itchy just sitting there.
Or maybe it was a reaction I was having to all that Demerol, bourbon, Tang
and vanilla pudding. I’m not sure. I am sure though, that this was a bad
movie. And I still don’t know who the “jerk” is in the title. Seems to
me Georgie is the perfect candidate but one can never be too sure in these
‘art’ movies. This movie stars no one and is directed by a homeless man
who calls himself Mr. Salami. I think maybe Mr. Salami was huffing too
much paint thinner while he was directing this lousy piece of cinematic
compost, but that‘s just a guess on my part and really who am I to judge?
Any similarity between the characters to actual, living persons would be
really sad.
 Santa
Claus Conquors The Marines
Santa’s mad as hell
and he’s not going to take it anymore. After losing his sweet tax shelter,
having a large percentage of his elves deported after a visit from INS,
and getting served divorce papers by Mrs. Claus, Santa decided that everybody
is naughty this year, especially him, so why not go all out and beat the
bejesus out of unsuspecting yokels? After all Santa’s a giant, magical
(and usually jovial) elf who has a penchant for breaking and entering.
But this year will be different. He’s out for blood. Your blood. Or your
grandma’s blood, I don’t think he’s all that particular. And maybe he’ll
stop off at Starbucks for a double shot soy latte with whip cream before
commences his assault on the poor unwashed populous. Enter the Marines,
an obsessive branch of the military who like to carry big guns and shout
at each other a lot. What will Santa do? Will he wipe the floor with those
jarheads? Or will his high blood pressure and arteries clogged by years
of meat-flavored eggnog abuse make him easy picking for those square-jawed
militants? Santa, played here by Crispy Crinkle, professional donut eater,
is one bad mother along the lines of Shaft. Can the Marines stop his insane
killing spree? Will Santa finish his triple mocha espresso in time to bomb
Fort Bragg? Can anyone convince the jolly old elf that a violent, murderous
rampage is not good for his image? And what about all that plaque in Santa’s
arties? This movie chillingly portrays the cheery old Saint Nick as one
disturbed bastard out to taste human flesh. And check out Elvis Shortliver
in a bit part as an unemployed elf, Jason X as a doughnut loving, radioactive
cop, and me as Secretary of State Colin Powell. If you’re like me, and
I know I am, you won’t want to miss this absolutely frightening film.
 The
EVIL Frankfurters Of Frankenstein
Do you like hotdogs?
Do you? Hell, what self-respecting Communist doesn’t? I mean, you put catsup
on hotdogs and that makes them Red. As Red as those damn Communists. But
this movie isn’t about Communism. As a matter of fact there are no Communists
in this movie at all nor is Communism mentioned anywhere herein. But this
movie is about hotdogs. Evil hotdogs. EVIL.
Oh don’t let that fool you though, this Frankenstein movie, not to be confused
with the Buttengarden films, is all about loving the evil meat-products.
Or something like that. I honestly didn’t pay much attention. I got up
and made myself some vanilla pudding and syrup sandwiches and did Jell-O
shots with Jason while Elvis chased his imaginary dog Snoogie around the
room. Did you know that Elvis has an imaginary dog? He does! Anyway, this
is the only movie ever starring Elvis’ imaginary dog Snoogie and ‘girlfriend’
Bun Bun. Bun Bun portrays Loopy McFleagle a professional Saswquash hunter
who’s faithful sidekick, Ham (Snoogie) journeys to a far off land in search
of the perfect hotdog and while they aren’t Communists, they do enjoy a
good hotdog. Do they find the perfect hotdog? Will it be EVIL? And who's
this Frankenstein guy anyway? This movie has more questions than answers,
but you’ll get a kick out of Snoogie snoogling his way to a doggy Academy
Award.
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